Find your inner Sassy Girl
Before life changed you, you had a sassy strength.
I come from a family of sassy girls.
When I was young my big sister and I usually played well together. Hiking, board games, paper dolls, and a tire swing were activities that take two, so she led and I followed and we got along well. Until she bossed one time too many or I whined once too often.
Then we fought. Like little monsters. I'd yell, scream, scratch, hit, and pull her long beautiful hair. I certainly refused to be seen and not heard. I'd jump onto her back, my legs latched tightly around her waist, so I had leverage to scratch her eyes. She'd swing blindly behind me occasionally meeting her target - my back - with fists and fingernails. We were pretty well matched, each skinny and close in age. And when we were finished we made up, usually without outside interference pushing us to.
And later when I was in sixth grade, girls were not allowed to wear pants in the Pacific Northwest in winter. We could wear them on the way to school but then had to take them off and put them in the cloakroom connected to my classroom.
So my feminist rebel mother sent me to school in bluejeans (an even bigger transgression) with a note in my pocket addressed to the principal. It said, "I am Robin's mother, not you. And I will decide what she will wear to school." We didn't have girls' sports teams yet, but I wore bluejeans.
It got harder. I got yelled at in the classroom until I learned to stop being a "Chatty Cathy." I did more helping and less playing. More watching and less doing.
Back when we were young, before we were "societized" and socialized to behave, we called out what we didn't like. We yelled "Stop It" when we didn't like something. We said yes when we wanted and no when we didn't. And then family life, the neighborhood, and social norms started putting on the pressure to conform to girls' rules.
That sassy girl is still inside. I remember her. Do you?
Saying NO: 4 Steps to Telling Your Mother No
Like many women of a certain age, we’ve moved past being a rebellious daughter and into being a mother in our own families. We tell our children no when they ask for unreasonable or unhealthy things. We tell our partners no when they have unrealistic expectations. We even tell our best friends no when we need more time with our children and partners. Why, then, is it so difficult to say no to our mothers or fathers or other members in our family of origin?
Like many women of a certain age, we’ve moved past being a rebellious daughter and into being a mother in our own families. We tell our children no when they ask for unreasonable or unhealthy things. We tell our partners no when they have unrealistic expectations. We even tell our best friends no when we need more time with our children and partners. Why, then, is it so difficult to say no to our mothers or fathers or other members in our family of origin?
In some cases, we feel obligated to go along with our parents’ requests, no matter the cost to us. She raised us, changed our diapers, protected us from mean neighbor kids, and took us out for ice cream after the dentist. We feel we owe her our allegiance.
In other cases, we feel obligated since she put us first, no matter the cost to them. Maybe they left our hometown and their friends to move us closer to a better school. Or, she skipped work, again, left early, again, and jeopardized their job each time we threw up at school. We feel we owe her our undying loyalty.
But, sometimes, we comply with her demands because we recognize her power to hurt us, even as the grownups we are. We know from experience she can turn our siblings against us, disinvite us to family holidays, or simply send a nasty email that feels like banishment. We feel we need them to survive.
Regardless of our reason for saying no, it can feel impossible. Good news: you can learn to say no, stick with your no, and feel better for it.
First, get clear with yourself that you want to say no. It’s important to you. You feel it in your gut and it matters.
Second, phrase it in the affirmative to yourself. No, I will not cancel my trip to Greece because you want me with you during the anniversary of your divorce becomes “I have a vacation planned and I’m going to Greece.”
Third, practice and be a broken record. Don’t scatter about trying to put out other fires. “I’m going on vacation to Greece next month.” But I need you. “I’m going on vacation to Greece next month.” You’re so selfish. “I’m going on vacation to Greece next month.” Your sister wouldn’t go away when I needed her. “I’m going on vacation to Greece next month.” Rinse and repeat. If you need to, you can add an "I love you" in there but stick to the main message and don’t get sucked in to answering the little accusations and manipulations.
And fourth, reward yourself for your bravery, for taking your needs seriously, and for being a role model for your own children. Before long, your kids will need to learn to say no to you. You can start teaching them, by example, now.
Family relationships can be a source of support, affection, and learning, but without boundaries and saying no when you need to can lead to energy loss, distress, and anxiety. If you're having a hard time saying no or keeping boundaries and want to improve your relationships, call or email to schedule a free telephone consultation where you'll get some ideas and learn if maybe you want more help.