What do adult children need anyway?

You’ve sort of finished raising your kids.

They are adults who still need you, yes, but since they’re on their own, they need you in a different way.

They still need us to model being good citizens, parenting, navigating the adult world, and certainly they need to watch us make mistakes and repair relationships so they can try it themselves.

It’s hard to remember we are not friends, although we may have friendly behaviors. We aren’t peers or colleagues, even if they’ve gone into a similar field as us. If they’re parents themselves, it’s easy to feel like they have arrived to where we are. But they haven’t.

They may have different ideas than ours about how to parent, what it means to have a good work ethic, how to become a homeowner, who to vote for. And that’s healthy. It’s a really good sign that our kids aren’t miniature versions of us.

Mother and child relationships get more and more complex the older we get.

Our kids will use what we've taught them to become independent thinkers, with unique values, needs, and paths. And that’s healthy. And they'll get input and information from other sources that we may not like. And they'll make mistakes as we did. And some of those mistakes and some of those choices will feel devastating and heart-crushing to us. And God it's hard to accept that sometimes.

For a time we might need to love from afar, love up close, love in spite of, love because of, and love beside them - but keep loving. And know they love you.

The invisible thread is never gone.

What are Your Signs of Spring?

It’s been a long hard winter, literally and figuratively. With COVID and staying home, isolation and depression have been an awful stormy season of life. When times are more than awful, inside or out of your body, inside or out of your state or country, it’s important to look for the signs of spring.

In earth seasons, crocuses mean spring is coming for me. Some years they even poke through the icy snow, like little superheroes. In depression and isolation seasons, signs can look like a tiny bit more energy. A faster pace or more focus than you had before. In COVID season it can look like getting your vaccination, or traveling even though you have to wear a mask.

What are the signs you see? How can I help you find them?

How far do you want to go (grow)?

It's pretty hard, maybe even impossible, to go where you want to go right now.

You want to keep away from Covid-spreading events, keep your distance, and heck many of us barely leave the house. We have groceries delivered, we work online, and we even attend doctor appointments online. There is very little that leads us to leave our homes.

That said, there are things you can do to go and grow. Imagine you are somewhere cozy or exciting. In nature or on the road.

Where will you be?

Some people wear masks while hiking or biking, but in the Pacific Northwest winter is just now ending so unless you’re a hardcore sportswoman, the snow, rain, and freezing temperatures might have prevented this in the recent past. But now the crocuses are blooming! Spring is nearing. And walks, hikes, and rides are much more possible.

Some people go for drives. Pack up some snacks and a mug of coffee or kombucha and head toward the coast, the hills, or Snoqualmie Falls. It can be quite soothing to get a change of scenery.

Some of us get lost in faraway books on audible, going to old Chicago’s World’s Fair in The Devil in the White City or traveling old Asia Minor, Detroit, and San Francisco in Middlesex.

And some people take to the road in RVs like Camille and Bryce, Kelly Beasley, or Gary and Stacey in RV Nomads on YouTube, or Robin Barrett who wrote Be a Nomad Change Your Life, or like me. I travel the country, safely viewing the Grand Canyon in a mask away from other people, camping in Yellowstone with bison bumping my motorhome, and cruising along the Trail of the Ancients in Utah.

It’s not the same as freely wearing no mask and going anywhere you like, for a breath of fresh air, visiting friends, sitting in a pub or fine restaurant. But it brings me a sense of resilience and health and confidence.

How far will you go?

How far do you want to grow?

I provide EMDR and therapy to my Washington clients online from my camper, helping them work through their traumas, anxiety, anger, and distress to build their resilience and see their true, unbroken, growing selves.

Contact me for a free consultation, where we can see if I’m the right fit for you, and give you some tips to get you feeling whole again.

Feeling exhausted?

This time, right now, is one of the hardest in generations. It’s normal, you are normal, for feeling incredibly tired. As women during Covid, we are tasked with more and more of the heavy lifting.

In addition to homeschooling, working from home, and managing the bulk of keeping our house running, we're also coping with increased health anxiety, isolation, frustration with those who refuse to mask up when we need to go for groceries.

Ours were the jobs more likely to be lost or cut back this past year. According to the National Women’s Law Center, 100% of jobs lost (140,000) in December 2020 were women’s. This unemployment will add to the gender pay gap going forward - another worry for our future.

If we have children still at home, online schooling and/or homeschooling generally falls to us, since we tend to be the primary caregiver of our kids. This means figuring out how to teach, how to manage lessons, how to get our kids to do the work, and how to keep it all together so this new weird school we are so sick and tired of doesn’t increase the friction of quite literally never ever being apart during quarantine.

We are also, of course, the primary housekeeper, because hey, we’re at home so we should have time. And then we see our social media friends designing home improvements, baking bread from scratch, and crocheting blankets for anyone and everyone.

While we’re doing all this, we’re coping with worry about our health, our family’s health, and that of our parents and grandparents. If following protocols, we haven’t seen or touched our parents in over a year! We can’t go to the library or concert or movie house. We are stuck in a box either alone craving touch, or with our family craving space apart. If we pick up our groceries in person, no doubt we’ll encounter at least one person making a statement by not wearing a mask, potentially infecting us all.

The fear and worry are thick. As for me, I feel like every cell in my body is tired. Weepy tired. The only solution is rest. Rest without guilt.

Your perfect anger

If you grew up like me at all, a little girl of the 60s, you were taught to be nice, kind, polite, and to follow the rules. Nobody taught us it was ok to get angry. And certainly, nobody taught us how to do anger. I cry when I’m angry. Which sometimes leads to the object of my anger assuming I’m sad, trying to comfort me, leading me to feel more anger. Yep, I wasn’t taught how to do anger either. I’m still learning. Some of us yell, throw plates, isolate, or shut down. So long as we aren’t harming anyone, our actions aren’t necessarily bad.

Anger is just an emotion, like happiness. It comes from the same place as happiness. But we've been taught it's a bad emotion or a negative feeling. The truth is, it's neither bad nor good. But it can be there to let you know that something needs your attention. Whether it's sleep, conversations, surroundings, boundaries, or something else - something needs your attention.

And it's important to listen to your anger, try to figure out what's making you angry, and tend to it the best you can. You're not a bitch, or too bossy, or uncaring, or any of those other terms used for women who lead, hold boundaries, or take charge of what you need to.

You are the perfect you, even when you're angry. You are still the perfect you.

Robin Custer, Washington LICSW

Find your inner Sassy Girl

I come from a family of sassy girls.

When I was young my big sister and I usually played well together. Hiking, board games, paper dolls, and a tire swing were activities that take two, so she led and I followed and we got along well. Until she bossed one time too many or I whined once too often.

Then we fought. Like little monsters. I'd yell, scream, scratch, hit, and pull her long beautiful hair. I certainly refused to be seen and not heard. I'd jump onto her back, my legs latched tightly around her waist, so I had leverage to scratch her eyes. She'd swing blindly behind me occasionally meeting her target - my back - with fists and fingernails. We were pretty well matched, each skinny and close in age. And when we were finished we made up, usually without outside interference pushing us to.

And later when I was in sixth grade, girls were not allowed to wear pants in the Pacific Northwest in winter. We could wear them on the way to school but then had to take them off and put them in the cloakroom connected to my classroom.

So my feminist rebel mother sent me to school in bluejeans (an even bigger transgression) with a note in my pocket addressed to the principal. It said, "I am Robin's mother, not you. And I will decide what she will wear to school." We didn't have girls' sports teams yet, but I wore bluejeans.

It got harder. I got yelled at in the classroom until I learned to stop being a "Chatty Cathy." I did more helping and less playing. More watching and less doing.

Back when we were young, before we were "societized" and socialized to behave, we called out what we didn't like. We yelled "Stop It" when we didn't like something. We said yes when we wanted and no when we didn't. And then family life, the neighborhood, and social norms started putting on the pressure to conform to girls' rules.

That sassy girl is still inside. I remember her. Do you?

Am I normal? 4 normal feelings for adults abused as children

Many adults who were abused as children have no sense of what normal is. What does normal feel like? Am I normal?

Here are just a few of the normal feelings you may have, in response to your neglect, mistreatment, sexual or physical abuse, or psychological abuse.

And, yes, you are normal.

Numbness

As a child, your brain did a wonderful job protecting you. There may have been times when what was happening to you was so crushing, your child brain couldn’t make sense of it.  In response to thoughts like, “this person hurting me is supposed to protect me! If my protector is hurting me, I will die!” your brain pushed it aside, blocked it out, partitioned it off, helped you act as if nothing abnormal was happening. This is a common adaptation and a good survival technique. It is thanks to your wonderful brain that you survived your childhood.

When thinking back about the abuse you may have no feelings about it at all. Or you may feel that it was no big deal, nothing at all. Or that you are nothing. This is still a normal protective way of adapting to something awful. And you are normal if you feel this numbness.

Note: Severe numbness in certain cases, can be a symptom of dissociation, and that’s another topic for another time. But you are still normal.

Anger

As a child you may have been angry often. This is a normal response to someone, anyone, making your life hell. You deserved safety, love, play, and you got a raw deal. Even if you didn’t yet know that your life was different from other kids’ you knew you were being hurt or threatened, and you knew you had to keep your guard up.

If you feel angry now, or get angry in response to seemingly small slights, this is normal and common for adults abused as children. And you are normal if you feel this anger.

Note: Sometimes anger can be a symptom of depression or anxiety, and that’s another topic for another time. But you are still normal.

Sadness

As a child, your miraculous little self had so much potential and possibility. You could grow up and be anything, do anything, or several anythings at once. And bit by bit this possibility was snatched away. If you were the family scapegoat you witnessed the difference between your siblings’ care and your own. Your losses are sad, and it’s normal to feel sad over loss.

Today, you may feel sad in general, or in response to any loss or missed opportunity. Your sadness may be bigger than you think it should be. A broken bird eggshell in your yard might mean a baby bird died and bring you immense grief. A story about a happy child may remind you of what could have been, or of what loss lies in store for the child in the story. You may find yourself crying for no reason at all. This is normal too.

Note: Sadness can also be a symptom of depression, and that’s another topic for another time. But you are still normal.

Fear

As a child, your caregivers had the ultimate power over your life, death, and happiness. It wasn’t safe to play, make noise, run, or be noticed, and your emotional and physical safety, and maybe your life, depended on your brain’s ability to pick up on tiny cues that might signal upcoming harm to you. Fear is the normal response. It let you prepare to flee or fight or hide inside yourself.

Now, you may be fearful of things others are not. Answering the phone or door, watching news, learning you’re sick, talking to coworkers, all can bring on heightened fear. You may describe yourself as afraid of the world. This is normal and you are normal for feeling it.

Note: Severe fear, in certain cases, can be a sign of anxiety, and that’s another topic for another time. But you are still normal.

One of the hardest things about growing up with abuse is not knowing what’s normal. There are many more feelings that are normal. And there is a huge range of what normal looks and feels like.

If you’re tired of wondering what’s normal, feeling like you're not normal, or you want help with your own numbness, anger, sadness, or fear (or dissociation, depression, or anxiety) call me for a free telephone consultation.

I’m here to help you feel better.

Stomach in Knots?

If you get a tight stomach even thinking about attending seasonal family reunions, here are some tips to loosen the knots.

Arrive well rested and well fed

It’s harder to manage your emotions when you’re tired and hungry. Even though the gathering might center around food, don’t starve yourself thinking you can eat with everyone else. Eat something hearty and nutritious, like a cheese sandwich, a bean soup, or even veggie sticks dipped in hummus, before you leave your house.

Have a support person

Make sure you have an adult who has your back. Bring a partner, friend, or adult child who can be your support. Tell them upfront what your fears are and make up a signal for “come distract me right now,” or “get me outta here,” or “quick reassure me I’m not the middle child anymore.” Just knowing this person is here for you can make the difference between simmering feelings and a pleasant time, or a pleasant time and rekindled bonds.

Accept what is

Don’t pick the family reunion to confront anyone, teach anyone, or show anyone anything. With expectations of “perfect” holidays, know that real holidays are just regular days, with rules, traditions, and hopes of magic heaped onto them. This isn’t the day your mother and aunt will finally get along if they haven’t gotten along before. This isn’t the time to finally speak up to your dad about how he wasn’t there for you. For now, accept them as they are – with imperfections and flaws. Accept yourself as you are, and know that you can have that confrontation at a later date of your choosing. You can try to bring your mom and aunt closer – if you really must – later.

Don’t overthink the things

Tangible things like food and gifts you give are just that - things. If the pie boils over, so be it. I promise the pie eaters in the family will still eat it. If your gift for your brother-in-law falls flat, he knows how you feel about him anyway. If you care for him, he already knows it, and doesn’t mind about the gift. If you can’t stand the sight of him, he already knows that too. If your holiday clothes don’t look as good as you thought they would, I promise it’s alright. The good thing about family is they already know you. If they are normally impressed by your dress, they’ll still be impressed by your dress, and if not, what you wear this holiday won’t change their opinion.

Have a plan

If you fear strife, you can role-play possible scenarios and their resolution. Imagine a possible tough time, like grandma and Uncle Bob fighting over politics and drinks. What can you do? Play it through in your mind all the way to the finish – you ignore them. Or you ask them to stop and they do. Or you ask them to stop and they don’t, then what? Do you leave? Do you ignore? Play it out.

Also, plan your getaway. Sometimes just knowing you’ve given yourself permission to leave whenever you want makes staying possible. If you’re riding with others, make sure they are in on the plan and agree to your getaway terms. Or drive yourself.

Use moderation

If you plan to drink alcohol, try to drink in moderation. It’s harder to manage difficult emotions when alcohol has lowered your inhibitions. If you need alcohol to confront someone or make them see how wrong they are, reread the paragraph on accepting what is, and wait for another time. If your sister knows it all, take her in small doses. Enjoy her as you can but, before you feel like pulling out your hair, veer off to another conversation or find a quiet spot to meditate.

Leave while the going is good

Finally, if you start to get tired – physically or emotionally – say your goodbyes. In fact, before you get tired – start saying your goodbyes. You don’t need to stay until the very end. It’s OK to leave whenever you want, even if everything is going well. You’re saying goodbye to the event, not to your family. Know you can visit them again, one on one – which can be less stressful anyway.

How do you manage family reunions? Comment on what works. I'd love to hear. 

And, as always, I'm here. You can reach me in Issaquah at Balance InSight, 206-790-7270.

Thanks for reading, and be well. ~ Robin

Alone for the holidays? Then this is for you

Whether this is your first holiday alone, or your twentieth, it’s likely you will experience uncomfortable feelings, especially if you attempt to follow the same traditions and typical activities as you celebrated with others.

Your feelings depend on your why

If the reason for your solitude has to do with estrangement or death, you might be left with a profound sense of loss and isolation. What could have been can never be again. Know that your feelings are completely normal – whatever they are: grief, anger, loss, or other.

If holidays with others are generally energy zapping because you are highly sensitive person or introverted, you might feel a mixture relief and sadness. You may feel relieved you won’t be around groups of people, and you may experience sadness at missing people anyway. You may even have anger at yourself or others that you feel somehow “different.” Again, these feelings and any others, are normal and to be expected.

Even if you are separated from others during the holidays for a positive reason – such as a new baby or a long awaited move to a dream location – you will still experience some feelings you may not expect, such as boredom or disappointment, if your days are normally filled with group activities.

Your feelings are normal and ok

If you find any “shoulds” popping up, they only exacerbate the problem. For example: If you think you should be over your partner’s death by now, you have to deal with the feelings of loss that you have, plus believing you are somehow bad or wrong for having the feelings. Emotions are easier to manage and work through if they are welcomed or at least accepted as normal.

Read on for some possible – no shoulds here – ways to pass the time, survive and thrive, and/or absorb some holiday joy.

Plan new activities you can do alone or with others

These can be holiday related, or not – whatever your feeds your soul. You might enjoy visiting a house of worship - church, synagogue, temple, mosque, or pagoda - whether or not you are a member. Simply call ahead to find a good fit, openness to your presence there, and a schedule for events and hours. The sense that you are part something bigger than yourself can inspire pure awe. Or you might find pleasure in television season binging – watching each episode in a season of a television series on DVD or a subscription service like Netflix or Hulu.

Many museums, theatres, zoos, and aquariums offer programs you can gift yourself. For example, our local musical theatre venue offers a discount for both matinee showings and blocks of three or more productions. And, our local aquarium offers free guided evening beach tours throughout the winter months.

If you enjoy travel, make a big deal of it and take a vacation somewhere you wouldn’t otherwise have time to go. Travel on holidays is often less expensive than before and after. A flight on Thanksgiving Day, for example, can cost 24% less for Asia to 31% less for South America, according to Kayak, and single seats are much easier to find than multiples.

Host a party

Invite others who don’t want to spend the holidays alone. Think of friends and coworkers you like; many singles and families consider themselves alone if they have no extended family, and they are likely to feel relief at being invited for a gathering and some fun. Depending on your interests, you could host a meal; a group walk in nature – say in the snow or on a blustery beach; or an activity like an ice-skating party or a show.

Perhaps you’d like to have a potluck dinner, or a moveable feast. A potluck – for those who don’t know, is simply a meal where all who partake bring something to share with others. Some are elaborate with multiple main courses and desserts, while others are simple snacks and drinks. You can decide how much or how little energy to spend on this. Another meal idea is something called a moveable feast. For this, all who are included pick one course to make and host at their own house. The group starts at the first course (or salad or wherever you decide to begin). When everyone has finished, the group – including the host of that first course – travels to the home of the second course. Play continues through to dessert or coffee or where ever you decide to end. A benefit of this is getting to know one another better and bonding along the way.

Volunteer

A good way to get out of your head for a bit is to do something in service of others. That can include volunteering at a pet shelter where pets might get less attention due to staff and customers taking time away. Or a homeless shelter, where you could bring books, serve a meal, or just visit with people who are often invisible to others. Or a nature clean-up, like a beach or park.

If you need help finding where you’re needed and what you might enjoy, try an internet search of “volunteers needed” or “volunteer opportunities.” I found more than 20 pages on the words “volunteers needed.” Understand you don’t need to go anywhere you might be uncomfortable. Surely, there is a group of people, animals, or an environmental cause, that will feel rewarding and fun. Pick a place that excites you when you think of it, research options, needs, and requirements online, and then give them a call. Agencies and the environment both need you, and feeling needed can cut through feeling lost or alone.

Be still

If these ideas don’t bring you joy, quieter activities like meditation might bring you peace. Several meditation centers offer free places to learn or practice meditation. For example, Vipassana Meditation Centers hold 10-day silent meditation training retreats. Room and board are free although donations of time, grounds keeping, sewing, or money are accepted, if you choose to offer after your first 10 days.

Reach out

If your emotions feel too deep or too big, and you think you might want support, contact a therapist who can help you work them through.

Share your thoughts

What do you do for the holidays? I’d love to hear. Post below and I’ll reply.

And, as always, I'm here. You can reach me in Issaquah at Balance InSight, 206-790-7270.

Thanks for reading, and be well. ~ Robin

1,000,000: The number of suicide attempts in a year

In honor of Suicide Prevention Week 2017: Remember the old Reading Rainbow children’s book How Much is a Million? “If one million children climbed onto one another’s shoulders, they would be higher than airplanes fly.” That’s how many people attempt suicide in the United States each year, according to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention.

My sister attempted suicide when I was a child. I don’t remember very much about it, but I remember my mother picking me up early from my school dance to take my sister to the emergency room to have her stomach pumped. And, I remember being scared for her, my beloved. She survived and went to counseling, and grew up to marry and have children, thank goodness.

If you have thoughts or feelings about self-harm, you might feel like you have nowhere to turn. Here are some things to know:

You don’t have to act on the feelings. You can choose how to respond or not to respond at all.

Feelings and thoughts about hurting yourself mean you need to take a deep breath, remain calm, and take self-care action. It’s important to know you will not feel this way forever. You haven’t always felt this way; you felt another way before. First, find someone you can talk to - a friend, family member, coworker, therapist, or hotline. Some things to say include that you are feeling like you want to hurt yourself, if you know why you feel that way (and it’s normal if you don’t know why), if you can tell them what you need, if you don’t know what you need. If you’d rather not talk to someone you know, you can call the hotline or chat online.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK (8255)

Online chat at the Suicide Crisis Chat

The Suicide Prevention Lifeline has teamed up with suicide attempt survivors, therapists, crisis centers, families, and others to offer real help that works. Suicide attempt survivors have posted 100 ways to get through the next 5 minutes. Survivors also share longer activities, tried and true self-care tips, when they needs care.

If you have experienced thoughts of harming yourself in the past, or think you might in the future, it’s important to have a safety plan. Safety plans include strategies like prevention strategies, how to recognize warning signs, people you can reach out to, ways to get through immediate thoughts and feelings of self-harm, and how to stay safe in the future.

Recovering from a suicide attempt

If you survived a suicide attempt, you are survivor. Other survivors have shared their stories online, how they made it through their darkest hour, and may inspire you. Sometimes sharing your pain, and helping others, via blogging about it can be therapeutically healing. You can read others’ blog posts and add your own at You Matter.

You do matter

You are important and perfect just as you are. Let me say that again, in case you didn't hear: you are important and perfect just as you are. If you experience any of these warning signs, please reach out. If you don't experience any of these, but you feel worried you might, reach out too; it might just make you feel better.

• If you have tried to hurt or kill yourself, you are more likely to try again

• Having a friend or family member who attempted suicide

• Untreated depression (the number one cause for suicide)

• Unexplained extreme mood changes

• Feeling hopeless, helpless, or unable to picture a future with you in it

• Sleeping too much or too little

• Using drugs or alcohol

• Feeling like others would be better off without you

• Losing interest in activities

• Withdrawing or isolating from others

And if you think you might need help to feel better overall, call or email me to schedule a free phone consultation where you will be listened to and learn counseling might help. 

Thanks for reading, and be well. ~ Robin

Resources and References Used

David Schwartz, “How Much Is a Million?” Harper Collins Publishers, 1985.

“You Matter,” http://www.youmatter.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

John Draper, http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

If you, or someone you know, is in crisis, call 1-800-273-TALK (8255), or chat http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx

A special thank you to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline for their invaluable resources, for their good work, and their awareness and prevention programs.

Mad as Hell: 4 Ways to Sit With Anger

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“It’s safe to have anger. Anger won’t consume you as long as you manage what you do with it.”

— Robin Custer, MSW, LICSWA

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You know the feeling: maybe a headache or stomachache, narrowed field of vision, feeling white hot or icy cold. You might feel like you can’t sit still - your heart racing, and your jaw clenched.

You want to yell, cry, or kick something. If you looked in the mirror, you might see your face flushed red or drawn pale skin, narrowed eyes, and lines in your forehead.

If you survived childhood chaos, distress, or abuse, you have a lot to be mad about: screaming and feeling off kilter in your childhood, never feeling good enough, seeing or experiencing distress and shame.

Some people are angry at grandparents or other relatives and neighbors who didn’t know – or if they did know, didn’t do anything to help or keep them safe. You might be mad at the parent who didn’t abuse you – the one who was supposed to protect you. Or at your brothers and sisters who are still connected to your abuser.

You’re mad at your friends, now, today, who don’t understand and think you should just “forgive and get over it.”

You might be really mad, furious and full of rage - as well as an infinite number of other feelings - at the person who hurt you, the people who made your childhood a living hell, treated you like a thing, made you question everything about love, family, trust, and even your innermost feelings.

And you’re mad at yourself. Why didn’t you tell? Did you do something to cause it? Why can’t you just move on? When you got away, you might have left your siblings behind. You survived. You didn’t confront the person who wrecked your past, you didn’t stop him.

Four things you can do with your anger

1. Know and believe in your heart that your anger is justified. Anger is a feeling – it isn't good or bad, it’s just a feeling.

It's OK to be good and mad. You get to be angry, and can express anger in ways that don't hurt you or others. And, it's safe to have anger.

2.      Work toward forgiveness – of yourself. Ask yourself these questions:

·        Did you do the best you could at the time, for example: not telling, not making it stop, your mind protecting you by “not knowing” parts of it, leaving the family?

·        Are your friends capable of grasping? If not, do you want to continue to have relationships with them for other reasons and find emotional support elsewhere? Do you want to invest in these friends to help them understand and potentially become supports? IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT.

3.      Hold yourself in wonder. You survived. What stubbornness, spunk, wild streak, will to succeed, gentle soul, fierce soul must have made that possible! You are a force of nature!

4.      Set an intention – ask the universe, God, whatever you believe in that’s bigger than you, to help you notice one awesome thing each day. (Awesome - in the true meaning of the word: causing or inducing awe; inspiring an overwhelming feeling of wonder, reverence, or admiration, a sense of wonder.)

How do you sit with anger? What helps you get through it? Post below what works for you. I’d love to hear your thoughts.

If you want more, email me to schedule a free telephone consultation, where we can discuss one strategy to do anger well and find out if maybe you need more help.

You can reach me in Issaquah at Balance InSight, 206-790-7270.

Thanks for reading, and be well. ~ Robin

The 10 most common questions I get asked about counseling

Counseling, if you've never been, can feel scary to consider.

People often wait until their feelings or problems cause them to have more pain than joy in their life before calling for help. One reason for that is they don't know what to expect from psychotherapy. So here are some of the most common questions they ask and how I answer.

1. Is here something wrong with me?

The short answer is no. There is likely nothing “wrong” with you.

People seek out counseling for a variety of reasons. Some want help with productivity at work. Some want to feel happier. Some want to learn why they do certain things or think certain ways. Some want help with decision-making. Some want help smoothing out a relationship. I like to compare counseling and psychotherapy to any other healthy change. If you want to build up your stamina, you might take up jogging or other aerobic exercise. If you want to create art, you might take a class. If you want to feel closer to your partner, you might schedule date nights. And, yes, if you want to learn why you get stomachaches and headaches after a fight, you might come see me.

2. How do I know if counseling will work?

The short answer is if you want to learn, change, or practice something about yourself, if will work.

The longer answer is that different people fit better with different types of counselors – male or female, spiritual or secular, client centered or theory oriented. Therapy will work best if your counselor is one with whom you fit well. In fact, research shows the relationship between client and counselor is at least as great a predictor of the success of therapy as any other aspect, including the type of therapy (EMDR, solution-focused, CBT, or other) and the therapist’s education level (Norcross, 2011).

The other piece, though, is that if you want your counseling to change someone else, it’s not that simple. You can only change you. Your therapy can change the way you interact with others, which could change their behavior, but it’s not a straight line from your therapy to their change.

3. How do I know if it’s working?

If you are meeting goals you set, or making progress toward meeting goals you set, it's working.

A good therapist will work with you to set goals. What do you want from counseling? Where do you hope to be in 3 months, 6 months, a year? Some counselors use “the miracle question:" Say you went to sleep one night, and while you were sleeping, a miracle happened to make your life exactly how you want it. But, you were asleep so you didn’t know that miracle had happened. The only way you would know is by what you saw, heard, did, or felt when you woke up. What would you notice that was different?

Then you take time every month or couple of months to review your goals. Are you getting closer to getting the job you want? Are you yelling at your spouse less and feeling closer? Are you feeling lighter, freer, more confident? If the answer is yes, counseling is working.

If the answer is no, a good therapist will help you by changing up the focus or frequency of counseling, learning whether goals set are attainable as is or need to be broken down, or if there is some other reason for lack of progress meeting them.

4. What happens if it’s not working?

Short answer: We shake it up.

Longer answer: In addition to the last paragraph in number 3 above, your counselor, with your agreement, might suggest adding in some EMDR, play therapy, art therapy, narrative therapy, or other method to mix it up a bit. I might add homework or reading assignments for the time between sessions.

And one other thing. You and your counselor might look at your relationship. Have you built trust, warmth, and mutual respect? See number 2 above.

5. Do I have to tell you everything?

Nope.

You don’t need to tell what you don’t want to tell. If you and your counselor allow your story to naturally unfold, in its own time, your relationship (see how I did that) will become more solid, trusting, and therapeutic than if you run down a long list of events from your life. Your counselor will have given you forms to sign that define the limit of what they will do with the information you give. That said, the more open you can be, over time, the more help you will receive.

6. How long will it take?

I’m not sure yet.

Because every person is unique, and every issue affecting every person is unique, it’s impossible to know how much time is needed to resolve problems. However, you should know by the fourth or fifth weekly session if counseling is helping. If counseling is every two weeks, of course, progress will be cut by more than half. This is because we spend more time catching up instead of just continuing on from last session. So at the rate of every two weeks, it will probably take more than twice as long to see complete healing and achieve your goals.

Just like when you take a class, if you go every week, you have 6 days to practice and/or forget what you learned. If you attend every other week, there is more time for other competing forces to get you sidetracked. Understand that some therapists and clients work even better in longer sessions though. The best way to figure out what will work best for you and how long that will take is by goal setting (see above), monitoring progress made toward your goals (again, above), and communicating with your therapist along the way.

7. How does it end?

By termination.

Termination is the word therapists use to describe the end of therapy. Shortly after beginning therapy, a good therapist will start planning for termination. Not because they want to be rid of you, but because no one deserves to have to be in therapy forever. The way to plan for termination is by reviewing the goals (again with the goals), and progress made. If you come to a therapist like me, for anxiety, you don’t want to keep on coming to me for years, with that same level of anxiety. That means something’s not working and we need to change something up (number 4 above).

When your stated goals are close to being met, or you are satisfied with your progress you are making toward them, you and I will talk about next steps. That could look like ending therapy, adding new goals, coming less often, or something else that suits your needs. We’ll review your progress, how far you’ve come, and all your tools and strengths you have acquired to help with any future needs you might have. I will also tell you it’s OK to call and come back some later time if you feel the need. We might have a celebration if that’s something you want. Or we might have a quiet goodbye with the knowledge that you are now stronger or you were always strong but now you know it. Let me say again, you deserve to have a finish point for the current issues.

Another way it can end, although this is less ideal, is for you to just stop coming. You are the client and you may choose to end therapy at any time, of course. The reason it isn’t ideal is that there is no wrapping up, reviewing strengths and supports, no sending off, or setting off with your bag of tools. Goodbyes can be hard but they are important, part of the cycle of life, and good learning.

8. I just want someone to tell me what to do. Why won’t you do that?

Some therapists will. I won’t and here’s why.

I don’t tell clients what to do because, no matter how much you may want it, I’m not the one who is hurt if it doesn’t turn out the way I think it will. I’m not the one who feels your pain (although I will likely feel pain for you). Also, I believe you have the answers inside you. You’ve already done something that worked in a different situation. I’m here to show it to you, help you rediscover what’s inside.

I will help you see options, learn about potential pitfalls and advantages, consider impacts and ripple effects. Like it or hate it, you have free will. And I will support your choices and the learning that comes from those choices.

9. What do you do with the information you learn about me?

I keep it private and use it to understand you better.

State and federal confidentiality laws, the Health Information Portability and Accountability Act (HIPAA), and the National Association of Social Work Ethics prevent me from sharing your information. There are exceptions in a few circumstances like abuse of a child or fragile adult, threats to self or others, and to provide for coordination of care in emergencies. Then I share the minimum amount possible.

“Mostly, the information, your story, that you choose to share with me, I hold sacred because it is a piece of you. I value your information the way I value you. It is a gift that helps me determine how to work with you, what might help you, what to avoid until you get stronger.”

10. My husband, partner, parent, child needs counseling. What should I do?

Ask them if they would like to talk to someone.

You know your husband, partner, parent, child. If you believe they will be reluctant to come to therapy alone, you might ask them to come with you. You might start the conversation slowly, by simply noticing aloud that they seem less happy than usual, more stressed, are having trouble sleeping, or whatever is true for them and for you. You might give them this article to read, and ask if they’d like to call me with questions or for a free telephone consultation. You can show them my web site www.balanceinsight.com

And you might remind them that what they tell me is confidential (see number 9 above). Just like what you tell me. Therapy is a safe place.

What questions do you have? Email me and I'll answer in another blog post.

Saying NO: 4 Steps to Telling Your Mother No

Like many women of a certain age, we’ve moved past being a rebellious daughter and into being a mother in our own families. We tell our children no when they ask for unreasonable or unhealthy things. We tell our partners no when they have unrealistic expectations. We even tell our best friends no when we need more time with our children and partners. Why, then, is it so difficult to say no to our mothers or fathers or other members in our family of origin?

In some cases, we feel obligated to go along with our parents’ requests, no matter the cost to us. She raised us, changed our diapers, protected us from mean neighbor kids, and took us out for ice cream after the dentist. We feel we owe her our allegiance.

In other cases, we feel obligated since she put us first, no matter the cost to them. Maybe they left our hometown and their friends to move us closer to a better school. Or, she skipped work, again, left early, again, and jeopardized their job each time we threw up at school. We feel we owe her our undying loyalty.

But, sometimes, we comply with her demands because we recognize her power to hurt us, even as the grownups we are. We know from experience she can turn our siblings against us, disinvite us to family holidays, or simply send a nasty email that feels like banishment. We feel we need them to survive.

Regardless of our reason for saying no, it can feel impossible. Good news: you can learn to say no, stick with your no, and feel better for it.

1. First, get clear with yourself that you want to say no. It’s important to you. You feel it in your gut and it matters.
   

2. Second, phrase it in the affirmative to yourself. No, I will not cancel my trip to Greece because you want me with you during the anniversary of your divorce becomes “I have a vacation planned and I’m going to Greece.”
   

3. Third, practice and be a broken record. Don’t scatter about trying to put out other fires. “I’m going on vacation to Greece next month.” But I need you. “I’m going on vacation to Greece next month.” You’re so selfish. “I’m going on vacation to Greece next month.” Your sister wouldn’t go away when I needed her. “I’m going on vacation to Greece next month.” Rinse and repeat. If you need to, you can add an "I love you" in there but stick to the main message and don’t get sucked in to answering the little accusations and manipulations.
   

4. And fourth, reward yourself for your bravery, for taking your needs seriously, and for being a role model for your own children. Before long, your kids will need to learn to say no to you. You can start teaching them, by example, now.

Family relationships can be a source of support, affection, and learning, but without boundaries and saying no when you need to can lead to energy loss, distress, and anxiety. If you're having a hard time saying no or keeping boundaries and want to improve your relationships, call or email to schedule a free telephone consultation where you'll get some ideas and learn if maybe you want more help.

When feelings feel physical

 “It’s all in your head.”

“You need to get over it.”

 “Just ignore it and move on.”

How often do we say this to people who feel depressed or anxious?

Well, we’ve all heard of people heading for the Emergency Room with chest pain and learning it was a panic attack. This is because panic has a profoundly physical part of it that can make it hard to function. Imagine how hard would be to ignore severe chest pain. This is what’s being asked when folks tell people with anxiety and panic to just get over it. Many feelings and mental health disruptions can show up as physical health issues. Check with your doctor to rule out things like heart attacks, stomach ulcers, and brain or neurological problems, of course, but once those are ruled out, look for a mood or psychological issue (feelings or thoughts) that could be helped with counseling.

Imagine, or maybe you’ve already felt it, the amount of pain involved to send you to the hospital. All the parts of us are connected so it makes sense that depression, anxiety, and trauma can cause physical symptoms. If you get frequent stomach aches, headaches, or even just feel unwell or less healthy, this can be due to either a physical injury or illness, or a mental one.

Not sure about the connection between psychological and physical feelings? Try this little experiment: Bring something to mind that makes you feel angry – a memory, assumption, future meeting with someone. Sit with that thought or memory for a few minutes and notice if there’s a place in your body that feels pain or other physical sensations. For me, it’s my head. If I’m really angry my head sometimes aches. I know, most of us get headaches on occasion. I’m not saying they are always due to anger or other emotion - but sometimes mine are.

Now bring up a memory or future event that causes you fear. Where do you feel it in your body. Some people feel heavy limbs, stomach aches, or a sore throat.

Now try it with sadness, again sitting with the thought or memory for a few minutes. Pay attention to your body and where your sadness lives. Do you feel a heavy chest, a sharp stomach ache, something else?

And lastly, think of something or some time you felt joy. The kind of joy that has you jumping, clapping, and maybe even crying for its beauty. How does your body feel? Hollow? Full? Loose? My arms and legs get almost floaty, they become so light.

Bonus, you can try this with other positive feelings to help you improve your mood. Recall something terrific (calming, or safe, or happy), including sounds and smells. Keep it in your mind for more than a few minutes. It really works!

It seems that some pains may truly be in our head, but that’s not a bad thing. If you have unresolved pain, and your doctor can find nothing physically wrong, call me to talk about whether you might want more help. 

Related posts: Where do you hold stress, Mad as hell, Finding the right therapist (anywhere)

Does my kid have anxiety? (And if so, what can I do?)

If you have a child who cries often, is easily frustrated or sullen or angry, has trouble falling asleep or getting up, refuses to engage, or is obstinate, they may have anxiety.

They have outbursts over things that seem small, like a change in schedule or routine, being told no, or having to wait for something. Maybe you go to pick them up from soccer a few minutes late and they yell or cry. You ask them to clean their room and they yell (and show with a limp rag body) that they can’t.

They worry over small things their siblings or others their age wouldn’t, like a missed turn when driving them to school. They are hard on themselves and others, expecting – needing – perfection and predictability in grades, sports, relationships with peers.

They are old enough to tolerate time away from you but cling to home and the familiar. They may be afraid of what ifs that are extremely unlikely to occur (either they haven’t occurred before like a tsunami in Lake Sammamish or a lion walking down Gilman Boulevard, or if they have it was far away like Mt. St. Helens erupting).

These are some of the symptoms of childhood anxiety, which is the most common behavioral, emotional health issue in children and teens.

Whether or not your child has a true anxiety disorder, anxiety, worry, and fear can still hold them back from typical developmental and academic achievements and enjoying family and school.

Here are some ways to lessen your children’s anxiety. Bonus: they’ll help the whole family feel better and connect in fun and learning.

Talking

Not straight out talking about you, like “I’m worried about you,” because the fact that you are worried isn’t the thing, their need is the thing. You want your kid to allow you to see what’s going on without hiding it to keep from worrying you. You want them to be able to come to you, in words or actions, with their troubles and know that you can take it.

You can help. You are a problem solver and you can help. So, you can talk from a place of curiosity and love. Like, “I notice you stressing about school. Anything bugging you?” or “What’s up? Did you think I’d make you late for school when I turned early?”

For some kids, talking can be too intense. Yay for texting and instant messaging. Like talking in the car side by side for adults, texting or IM’ing are less directive or face to face and can make it easier to share and hear what’s shared. I know a woman – no not a client (what my clients tell me is strictly confidential except for danger, harm, and such) – whose son was having trouble and they instant messaged, sometimes from the same room of the house. They also wrote notes on yellow sticky tablets, responding back and forth.

Problems may not be easily solvable, or may need more thinking time, but the act of communicating with your anxious kid lets them know you’re there for them, in support of them, and loving them.

Mindfulness

This is the new thing everyone’s talking about, and it really can be fun and helpful. Listening to soothing music, walking in nature, relaxation techniques, and actual meditation are all forms of mindfulness.

I want to tell you about meditation here. It’s like a vacation for the mind. The easiest way to get started is with something called guided meditation. That’s where someone – a CD, a trusted person, or a counselor – walks them through “going” to a place that’s safe and soothing. Here’s the basic format if you want to do it for your child – if you are their trusted person.

Start comfortably seated in a quiet place. Direct your kid (and do it with them) to take a few long slow breaths, with exhales longer than inhales. Spend some time weaving a story with your kid as the main character, where they go to, spend time in, and then slowly leave their place – reminding them that it’s OK to leave since they can go back anytime they want to relax again.

Ask them to imagine walking to (I always start with them getting to the place rather than being in the place as a way to ease into it) their peaceful place. Ask them to notice sensory items, like the smell of grass or salt water, the sound of the breeze or crackling fire, the feel of fleece or warmth on their skin - depending on where their place is. The more they can feel it, the more relaxed they’ll get. You can ask them to sit, swing, fly, lay in a hammock, or whatever they like, while there.

Keep bringing in their senses. They’ll look around, listen, smell the air or objects there, and notice how light and joyful they feel (use words and senses you know work for them). Eventually, ask them to stand up (in their cozy place) and get ready to walk out the way they came. Again, bring up sights and sounds and such that they’d notice along the way. When they get back to where they started, ask them to look back and say goodbye, knowing they can return when they want peace and comfort; their place will always be there.

Tell them to notice sensory items in the actual room now, the feel of their weight on the sofa or chair, the scent of the dog in the room, or whatever you think of. And when they’re ready, they can slowly open their eyes and come back into the room. Ahhhhhh. Love doing this. They, and your other family members, might just ask you to do it again and again. I have some samples on my help page.

Movement

Movement helps with anxiety - as well as depression and other moods - in a couple of different ways. You’ve heard of runners’ high, right? That good feeling happens because endorphins and other chemicals in the brain are released upon strenuous activity. Exercise also helps us sleep better, which is healing and discussed further below. And anxiety can feel paralyzing but movement, even when it feels impossible to do, pushes that paralysis away. This can be as tiny a movement as walking to the kitchen for pretzels (see food below) or stretching out their back or legs on the living room carpet. Family dance parties get blood flowing and it’s fun to teach your kids the old moves and let them teach you the new stuff.

Food

I’d be neglectful if I didn’t talk about nutrition. We know that good food is the body’s fuel. If your kid is having trouble eating enough good food or is eating too much junk food, make a family goal to add more good stuff while eating less bad stuff. Easier said than done, I know. Some kids need to graze. So, before you say, “no more junk food” make sure to have less-junky food that’s tasty. Cookies can be healthier than candy, especially if you make them at home. Carrot sticks are not very tasty to a Snickers bar eater, but add a yummy dip and you’re increasing good food. A sweet juicy tangerine or banana dipped in almond butter don’t compare to French fries but eat them first and then there’s less stomach room for the fries. Sometimes getting kids involved in food preparation can make a difference. Plus, it gives them a way to have good stuff when you’re not able to prepare it.

Sleep

Sleep is the body’s way to repair and shore up itself. Routines go a long way here. Bed times; night time rituals of bathing, a drink of water, reading in bed, and screens off an hour before; and morning rituals of showers before breakfast, chatting over cocoa or tea, and sharing wishes and hopes for the day all help the body and mind anticipate sleeping and waking. Also, if your kid has trouble falling to sleep, a slice of peanut butter toast or handful of nuts or other protein can help, especially if it becomes part of the routine. Chocolate or anything with caffeine can make it hard to sleep, so try to hold off on these items after dinner.

A little bit more

A meditation book I like is called Sitting Still Like a Frog, by Eline Snell. It comes with a CD and is helpful for kids to about 12, and their families.

For older kids, I like The Anxiety Workbook for Teens: Activities to Help You Deal with Anxiety and Worry, by Lisa Schab. It’s got great activities for 12ish and older.

My help page. I have a couple of meditations and some activities to help with anxiety and other hard things.

Know that with support, they can feel better.

Counseling

If your kid has trouble with fear, worry, or anxiety, or other hard emotions, and you feel like you might need a little bit more help, I offer a free 15-minute telephone consultation to see if I am the right counselor for them. Call or email to schedule a consultation.

I’d love to hear about your experiences. Did you have or do you know someone who had anxiety as a kid? What was helpful for them or for you? I’m always looking for more ways to help and I’d love to add to my anxiety toolbox so thanks for sharing.

PS Did you know you can comment on this blog page with a different name to protect your privacy and the privacy of your child?

Fear of snakes in Issaquah - Or is it anxiety? Or is it panic?

Since the weather here in the Pacific Northwest is growing warmer and less rainy, my family and I spent parts of Memorial weekend doing yard work, mowing, weed whacking, moving potted trees and plants, and collecting rocks from the side yard that we can use to line the chicken coop fencing.

I happen to be in the process of learning to get comfortable around snakes, and knowing my son’s house is in a woodsy, meadowy area I wore my Keens – you know those sneakers with the holes in them. Great, right? Great until I started picking up the stones and playing through in my mind what might happen if a snake came out from under them, and slithered toward me. Suddenly I realized that while the toes and sides of my shoes gave more protection than my flip flops would, the holes meant that snakes could slither right on up and in.

There’s fear, there’s anxiety, and there’s panic – and mild to moderate to extreme versions of all three of those. My feelings here seem to fit into the moderate fear to mild anxiety categories. If you startle when a snake crosses your path, that’s mild fear. No hyperventilating, and no nightmares later on about snakes chasing you. Fear might make you remember which kinds of snakes you’d see in Issaquah or Eastside might be venomous – the Western Rattlesnake is only east of the Cascades. Fear might make you plan. If you have fear, it definitely gets in the way of things, like hiking or feeling at ease, but it doesn’t traumatize you, give you stomach aches, immobilize you, or feel debilitating. Fear makes you plan.

Anxiety might cause you to wear boots, very tall boots. Even though you know snakes hibernate in winter you might avoid meadow areas or at least scan your path, noticing sticks and twigs, movement that might look like they could maybe possibly be a snake. You might wear gloves to work in the yard, or you might not work in the yard at all. You wouldn’t be likely to live in a house with rocky outcroppings or meadows. And if you did, you might replace it with a lawn and no place for snakes to hide. On vacations, you’d probably not tent camp and you’d likely steer clear of hiking or geocaching, unless it’s in snow. You might visit the Cougar Mountain Zoo (they have no snakes) but you might skip the Woodland Park Zoo. Or if you went, you’d avoid the python exhibit. Anxiety makes you avoid.

Full blown panic would keep you inside, period. You could go into flight, fight, or freeze mode if you saw a photo in a magazine. You might cry inconsolably, feel faint or nauseous, see snakes in every cord on the floor. Panic causes you to carefully plan where you’ll go, what you’ll wear, who you’ll trust. You can’t even stand to hear about snakes or you’ll have night terrors and have trouble getting movies of slithering sliminess out of your head. Panic makes you feel sick.

There’s nothing bad, broken, or weird about you - or any of us - for having fear, anxiety, or panic about anything in life. It’s just that living is more fun, varied, interesting, and full, if we aren’t physically sick with panic. We have fewer limits on what we can do or see if we don’t need to stay inside where it’s predictably (hopefully) safe. When you feel at ease in your environment, the world is truly at your fingertips.

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing Therapy (EMDR) can help you get rid of that sick feeling and keep it from coming back. It helps with all kinds of feelings and memories and is particularly helpful with anxiety and panic. I'll post more about long term remedies for fear, anxiety, and panic in the future, but for now try this help if you want to feel better in the moment. And if you'd like to talk in person about easing fear, anxiety, or panic call me to schedule a phone consultation to see how counseling can help.

What do you get fear, anxiety, or panic about? Comment below and I’ll reply. And please share this with anyone you think it might help. Feelings don't need to be debilitating.

As always, thanks for reading.

How to manage change (with less anxiety)

We are creatures of habit. We have our comfort zone established and even extroverts want that space to return to. So change is understandably hard for most of us, often causing stress or anxiety. I recently moved to a new city, both my family and my counseling practice. Along the way, I learned some things I want to remember, to help me with the next change. Maybe they’ll help you too.

Plan

The biggest piece for me, and the most exciting actually, is the planning. I’m a planner. I love to plan. I love to learn all about the change, in my case the new town I’d be moving to and the new town I’d be working in. I’m in my Zen when I’m planning. I like the Internet so I look online at community pages, city government pages, shopping mall pages. I visit the towns to get local newspapers. I read the help wanted ads, events pages, and grocery store sale pages so I could get a sense of the environment. I look at local schools and read their blog posts to sense how staff relates to each other and children.

As an introvert, I’m not as good at asking others for information but when I do, it’s really helpful. I like to visit the local library, community center, farmer’s market, or church in the new neighborhood and listen to the conversations and vibrations. You can ask people you see what they like about being there. What they wish were different. Also ask around and see if any of your current friends have been to the new town. Take a hike or walk through the neighborhoods and chat with people you meet. The act of walking can lessen stress and increase excitement about the move too.

My next step is setting things up. You can visit the schools and walk through their neighborhoods, maybe talk to the secretary and parents, and then apply to the school that fits your kids best. If the move is easily drivable and you have a religious affiliation, you might start attending church or synagogue in the new town. This will help you have friends by the time you actually move. If you have pets, you may also want to seek out a new veterinary office, walk in and read their bulletin boards, look for cleanliness as well as the kind of environment you feel comfortable in.

When I have plans - even though I know they’ll likely need adjusting - I feel more settled, less anxious, and able to cope with change.

Execute

Now follow the plans you made above, as much as you can.

For changes go as smoothly as possible, as well as dealing with glitches in plans, it helps me to pay attention to my mind and body health. Keep your routines as regular and simple as possible. As much as possible, make sure you eat at your normal times, foods you typically eat, and even add in a few healthy extras like salads, apples with peanut butter, and extra water. If you are a regular meditator, don’t let that slide. If you’re short on time and can’t meditate for long durations, at least try for short meditations at your regular time. The same is true for exercise and fun: if you need to keep them of short duration, so be it, but try not to skip altogether. If you jog, jogging a shorter route is better than not at all. If you have game nights with the kids, but the hour is getting late, play quicker games like twister – a good way to add movement, fun, and reconnection. Moods are important and keeping rituals helps keep our moods healthy and light.

I also try to keep important rituals such as bedtimes, homework, and screen time. Although I may need it more, I try not to add too much mindless TV or other screens. If you have date nights, you’ll need that together time to keep each other strong. The same with family outings and holidays. It’s fine to cut things shorter or simplify them, but eliminating them can make you feel “off” or separate or like something’s missing. At Christmas, go for a small movable tree rather than none at all. During camping season, take a weekend instead of a week, at a closer spot.

You can also add new rituals if you like. It’s alright for plans to be altered, but try to keep the pieces that are most important to you and your family. In fact, one of your new rituals could be family meetings to talk about what’s important to each family member.  And if you’ve taken drives to explore the schools, neighborhoods, and parks, you could keep up the drives, adding a stop for ice cream or singing on the road. This makes a positive addition for your family that came about due to the change. However difficult the change, you’ll have this new ritual as a bonus memory to carry forward.

Another key is relying on others where you can. Who do you have that could bring you dinner while you pack? Who could host a play date for the kids while you spend time on the internet planning? Who has moved before, or faced other big changes, that can talk you through the feelings that come up when we’re subject to changes? And if you feel like you don’t have family or friends for these or other things, ask the family and friends you do have if they have ideas of who could help. If not them, then who?

When I keep my rituals, and have the support of others I can roll with change much more easily.

Let it go

After planning and executing, is letting go. This is more mental than activity based, but activities can help you let things go too. Try to remember you have made it through 100% of the changes you have made in your life. You have a 100% success rate. This is an awesome record!

Expect glitches. Things aren’t likely to go exactly as planned. Something will break, a scheduled task will be forgotten, someone will cry or yell. But that’s a normal part of growth, and how you react to it can set you at ease or complicate things. If you don’t know it, learn Elsa’s song from Frozen and sing it loud while swooping and dancing around the room. The movement and breathing required to sing will ease your stress level and be fun for your kids to watch or join. They’ll like you silly.

Remember “no do-overs” is just a schoolyard slogan. If something doesn’t work the way you want – the church is too stuffy, the moving truck isn’t big enough, or the office isn’t as you hoped – you can redo, as often as you like. Find a new church, call another truck company, or find a better office.

That’s a perk of adulting: you get do-overs.

Reflect

Reflecting is a great way to keep what works and toss what doesn’t. Since change is inevitable, and will happen again, reflecting on this move will help future moves go more smoothly. So even if this move was anxiety provoking, the next will be less so.

I like to take time to journal – no I’m not great at consistency. But journaling what went well or gratitude about the move, is a good place to start. In fact, I’ve recently switched to listing “done well’s” instead of “to-do’s” in several areas of my life and the feeling of success I get is huge! Try to add a bit, in thought or on paper, or in conversation with your family, about what you wished could have been different or better. Keep this knowledge for next time!

And lastly, reflect on how your beliefs about yourself changed throughout this move. When all is done, do you feel more capable? What can you add into your life to increase those feelings over time. Less capable? Time for changes to increase your esteem. Did your stress level, behaviors, parenting, or relating to others change? If these things feel better than before the move or change, what else can you do to keep those great beliefs and feelings? If worse, how can you release them and increase your self-regard and strength?

As always, thanks for reading. I hope this is helpful when you feel anxious about change. If you live in the Snoqualmie Valley and want more help with change, stress, or anxiety call me to schedule a free telephone consultation to see if you might need one on one support.

Depression: It's more than "just" sadness

When is it depression?

Some people think depression and sadness are the same thing. Or depression and grief. Like you’re sad your kid made a bad choice at school and you wish he didn’t have to spend recess “on the wall.” Or you’re grieving because your aunt died, and she was your favorite, and you cry sometimes when you think about her. Those things are different from depression - not less than or better than.

Depression is more about wanting to disappear, become tiny, curl up in a corner and stay that way forever. You can’t sleep but once you do you can’t get up. At all. And you feel like this pretty much all day every day.

Your limbs feel heavy, and walking from the couch or bed to the sink for a glass of water is like moving through mud and you don’t have the energy to even think about trying it. In fact, you might actually have mud – or at least dirt – throughout the house since, with depression, it’s hard to be motivated to clean.

You CAN get stuck in sadness and develop depression. And you CAN get stuck in grief and develop depression. But generally, sadness and grief ebb and flow depending on your situation, while depression sticks around for more than a couple of weeks.

You’ve lost interest in things that used to be fun for you. You don’t socialize anymore and even Facebook takes too much energy. You used to love visiting friends but now you spend your time at home alone, and don’t even open the curtains. You used to enjoy going dancing but now you binge watch Scandal or Breaking Bad.

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Generally, sadness and grief ebb and

flow, while depression sticks around

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If you’re eating, you’re eating whatever’s easy – whether it’s healthy or not, tasty or not. Or you might be eating all the time. Boxes of cereal and milk, cartons of ice cream, bags of potato chips, supersized candy bars one after the other, or Happy Meals from drive throughs. But you’re not likely cooking nutritionally balanced meals that take planning or look and taste appealing.

You’re probably moving and talking much slower than normal for you – so much that other people might have noticed. Your parents would say you’re “dawdling,” and coworkers would call you unmotivated, but you just know you’re exhausted. And your voice has become monotone with less feeling, shorter sentences, and smaller words.

It’s likely gotten harder to concentrate and make decisions. You don’t read books anymore or watch full length TV movies, but rather flip through magazines and watch shorter shows. And if the choice is what to eat, you probably won’t eat at all. What to wear? You’ll just stay in your bathrobe.

You feel so worthless and guilty and hopeless that you wonder why you were even born, like you’re a burden to all those around you, like your existence is a mistake. You can’t imagine a better or different future.  Please, if you feel like you might hurt yourself, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or go to the online Lifeline Chat at http://chat.suicidepreventionlifeline.org for help.

And all of this feels like it’s gone on for an eternity and that it will never, ever be different.

That’s depression

I picture sadness and grief as bumps on an otherwise steady road of life. Depression is more of a dip, a dent (or a depression) in the road, so deep you need help to climb out.

If this sounds like you - if you think you might have depression - call me for a free consultation where we’ll discuss strategies to get you feeling better or whether you need more help. And in the meantime, click for some activities to get temporary relief.

As always, thank you for reading my post, and please share with anyone you think it might help.

Why am I so angry?!?!

Irritation, frustration, and anger are normal emotions - neither positive or negative. Anger is likely one of two things: a messenger or a symptom.

Getting over getting stuck

Do you ever get working on a project or idea or maybe a complex set of tasks, and it’s so perfect for you that you whiz along, adding more, going off on side tangents to make it better, cleaner, more interesting, useful, or needed? The options are endless. And then, seemingly out of nowhere, you start to feel like you just need to hold your head in your hands and make it all go away?

You might have just sped into feeling stuck.

When it happens to me, sometimes I think I’ll just work right through, ignoring my sense of overwhelm (as if I could), and somehow get back on track. But then I just end up feeling worse. I figure it must be a common thing because there are so many metaphors for it: treading water, spinning my wheels, swimming through mud, flailing about, running in circles, getting nowhere fast. Notice each metaphor is about fast movement going nowhere. That’s exactly what it feels like.

Overwhelm feels like running in circles: Lots of action but no progress.

In my case, to break out of overwhelm, I need to stop everything. Fewer options are better. I need two things to choose from, and no more. I start with my physical sensations and ask myself: What do I need first, to drink water or breathe? And that’s it. Yes music might relax me and meditation might zen me out. But I need just two options for now. I choose water. Cold water shifts something in me more than focusing on my breathing. Maybe it shifts something in you too. No ice, no lemon, no heating for tea, just cold tap water for me.

Pick from two options

For you it might be needing to move your body physically, or smelling lavender or lemon. Anything that gives your mind a break is the right thing for you.

• Walking the dog

• Jumping jacks

• Singing or dancing

• Eating something crunchy like celery dunked in peanut butter

• Even watching a kitten video

This is usually enough to break the spell, giving space before figuring out where to go next.

Back to the larger project (no looking at tangents at this point) or a bigger, more impactful break? Again, just two options. If I’m still feeling stuck and overwhelmed I try really hard to accept that and give myself what I need. I can close my eyes and just check in with my emotions, physical sensations, and try to notice what my body and mind are trying to tell me.

Messengers

Do I feel tightness anywhere? Frustration or dis-ease?

A friend once told me that emotions are just messengers trying to get us to pay attention to something we need. I believe it.

If I truly feel relieved after my break, I’ll go back to the project. But I try to remember we are, each of us, the only person who knows what’s going on with our own body and our own emotions. We need check in periodically, to give ourselves permission to do something else if the feeling of overwhelm comes back, and to continue on when we’re ready.

Like walking a stone path

Back to the project or idea or task, you can look at it with fresh eyes. Mapping it out, making an outline or sketch, or listing components can help. That makes a visible path, without tangents, and also helps make the project more concrete and less abstract in your mind. There’s time later, there’s always time, to revise the plan. But getting it out on paper feels like forward movement. It’s progress. And when you have forward movement, overwhelm turns to satisfaction and a sense of accomplishment.

What do you do when you feel overwhelmed or stuck? Post below or email me at robin@balanceinsight.com

Thanks for reading.