How to get the most out of counseling - 5 ways
Let’s start by telling the truth: counseling is a large investment of your time and money. Living in the Issaquah area is expensive enough and commuting to work is long enough – no need to throw away time and money. And by the time you start counseling, you’ve probably been suffering long enough that you’re really ready for things to be better. Since your time and money are being spent, here are some ways to make sure to get the most out of it.
Let’s start by telling the truth: counseling is a large investment of your time and money. Living in the Issaquah area is expensive enough and commuting to work is long enough – no need to throw away time and money. And by the time you start counseling, you’ve probably been suffering long enough that you’re really ready for things to be better. Since your time and money are being spent, here are some ways to make sure to get the most out of it.
1. Make sure you connect
Do your homework when picking a counselor. Ask people you trust, like friends, family, doctors, for names of counselors they know and trust. Look online. As you read counselors’ web sites and blog posts, watch their videos, you’ll begin to get a sense of them. When you’re ready, contact a few counselors and ask for a consultation. During the consultation, you’ll learn more about how they work and they’ll learn about you. Both you and the counselors will be able to tell if you are a good fit for one another.
In sessions, pay attention to whether and how well you connect. Keep an eye out for how well the counselor seems to “get you.” Are they empathetic, can you get to know them enough to feel like you have some things in common or that they are a bit like you? Does the counselor seem to pay attention to you?
2. Come regularly.
Just like with exercising at the same consistent time of day, you will start to become accustomed to a certain day of the week being yours to share, get care, learn, grow, and heal. You can look forward to it. If you miss weeks in between, sessions are spent catching up instead If you start and end on time, you’ll get your full time. Especially if your counselor is using a method that has a bit of a plan to it, like EMDR, there is a lead in, work, and an easing out. When sessions are cut short, the needed parts might not happen, or might not give the full effect or benefit.
3. Do your homework.
If you have homework, try your best to do it. If you’ve said yes to accepting it, you’re saying yes to saving some money and time – it’s not being completed in session, but reviewed and digested in session. If you don’t want homework, it’s OK to say that (see below – telling your counselor if something’s not working. If you don’t have time or would rather keep counseling in the counseling office – not that I’m recommending that (trying things out, practicing, at home is a great way to progress) – just say so.
4. Share even if you’re scared
It can be scary sharing intimate details with someone. That’s why it’s so important to find a counselor you connect with and can trust. But the more you can tell them about yourself and your history and your needs, the better able they are to incorporate those things into the therapy and help you process them and heal.
And 5. Tell your counselor if something’s not working.
Counselors are human beings. Just like you, we have grief, moves, children, hobbies, demeanors, etc. If something we’re doing isn’t working for you, you’re paying in money and time without benefit. Please please tell your counselor if you need them to hold you accountable, not push you so hard, change your schedule, work on different goals, or if you’re just having a day when you need to just “be” and not work on anything. We all need those days. I’m of the opinion that you know you best. I know human nature and development, psychology, family systems, and counseling but you know you.
So now I put it to you.
Pick one of these things to start with. And try it out with your counselor. If you want, you can even tell them I said to. Then post below or email me at robin@balanceinsight.com with how it went. Thanks for reading.
Don't fight to win!
When your relationship is floundering, fighting is the norm, and winning is rare, try to hold in your mind that your partner is the person you love and you are the person they love. Fighting well is hard to do and you have to practice (yep, practice) fighting to get better at it. You will make mistakes, feel unheard, and say the wrong thing in a heated moment of conflict. Just know that it's like a muscle and needs to be exercised, constructively, building on love and connection. Know that you will get better and so will your partner.
This is part 4 of my four-part VLOG series on conflict in relationships.
When your relationship is floundering, fighting is the norm, and winning is rare, try to hold in your mind that your partner is the person you love and you are the person they love. Fighting well is hard to do and you have to practice (yep, practice) fighting to get better at it. You will make mistakes, feel unheard, and say the wrong thing in a heated moment of conflict. Just know that it's like a muscle and needs to be exercised, constructively, building on love and connection. Know that you will get better and so will your partner.
This is part 4 of my four-part VLOG series on conflict in relationships.
And the most important thing in any relationship conflict is to fight to resolution, don’t fight to win. If you fight to win, you might win every fight and feel really great but your relationship is not going to feel safe and trusting. And that’s the goal right, to have your relationships be safe and trusting and loving. In safety, trust, and love - in relationship.
What are your goals in your relationships? What can you do to achieve them? Post below to share.
Conflict free in your relationship
We all hear how important it is to argue, disagree, and be authentic. But did you know you can actually do conflict better, communicate better, and improve your relationship if you have areas and times that are free of conflict?
This is part 3 of my four-part VLOG series on relationship conflict and communication. Scroll down to read more, or just watch the video here.
We all hear how important it is to argue, disagree, and be authentic. But did you know you can actually do conflict better, communicate better, and improve your relationship if you have areas and times that are free of conflict?
This is part 3 of my four-part VLOG series on improving relationships, conflict, and communication. Scroll down to read more, or just watch the video here.
When you or your partner have anxiety or feels a flush of emotion from past events getting in the way, that's a good time to take a break from conflict. Staying in conflict, continuing to hash it out, will only add to the triggering and make future conflicts even harder to resolve. Better to decide to take a break, make a plan (or agree to make a plan after the flooded party is feeling more present) to come back together later - resolve the conflict later. Understand this only works if you consistently DO come back together. Over time you'll establish a pattern, a history, of keeping your word and coming back even when it's uncomfortable
You'll also want certain areas to remain conflict free zones. If you associate certain areas with conflict, tough feelings, or hard work you won't want to spend time in those areas doing loving things. I recommend keeping the bedroom a conflict free zone. This way, when you think of your room, or walk into it, you can feel immediate relief, love, and a sense of being settled in to connect sweetly, make love, or go to sleep. Some people like resolving conflict in the car; it can be less intimidating to be side by side instead of face to face. Others need the car to be a conflict free zone. The point is for you and your partner to decide what works for you.
It's OK, in fact it's necessary for your good relationship, to have time and space that is conflict free. You can improve your relationship, communicate better, and resolve conflicts when you are conscious and intentional. Let me know what you do to resolve conflict - post below to share publicly, or email me at robin@balanceinsight.com with "Resolving Conflict" in the subject line.
Good luck and happy conflicting.
2 Tips for Better Communication
Communication can really mess up relationships since there are so many places it can go wrong, leading to such huge misunderstandings. If you follow just these two tips, you can see an immediate improvement in your relationship and lessen the level of conflict.
Sometimes I find myself asking: "what the heck is he saying?" or "why can't he understand what I mean?"
Communication can really mess up relationships since there are so many places it can go wrong, leading to such huge misunderstandings. If you follow just these two tips, you can see an immediate improvement in your relationship and lessen the level of conflict.
This is part two in my 4 part series of video blogs on relationships, communication, and conflict. Today I teach you how to listen with a goal - understanding exactly what your partner is saying. We also discuss how to be super clear on what you're saying and what you want.
Next week I'll give you two more tips to do conflict better.
How to use conflict to improve your relationship: Cop an attitude & Lead up to it
If you hate fighting you're not alone. Most of us hate fighting and avoid conflict like the plague. But you can learn to communicate and resolve conflict in ways that improve your relationship and mover you closer together.
If you hate fighting you're not alone. Most of us hate fighting and avoid conflict like the plague. But you can learn to communicate and resolve conflict in ways that improve your relationship and mover you closer together.
This is part one of a series of 4 video blogs on relationships, communication, and conflict. Today I talk about how having an attitude is important for conflict. You need an attitude of calm assertiveness - assured and confident in your right to make waves. I also discuss the lead-up - how a good preview can help you get a good outcome.
Next week I'll give you two more tips that make communication in conflict productive and easier.