Feeling exhausted?

This time, right now, is one of the hardest in generations. It’s normal, you are normal, for feeling incredibly tired. As women during Covid, we are tasked with more and more of the heavy lifting.

In addition to homeschooling, working from home, and managing the bulk of keeping our house running, we're also coping with increased health anxiety, isolation, frustration with those who refuse to mask up when we need to go for groceries.

Ours were the jobs more likely to be lost or cut back this past year. According to the National Women’s Law Center, 100% of jobs lost (140,000) in December 2020 were women’s. This unemployment will add to the gender pay gap going forward - another worry for our future.

If we have children still at home, online schooling and/or homeschooling generally falls to us, since we tend to be the primary caregiver of our kids. This means figuring out how to teach, how to manage lessons, how to get our kids to do the work, and how to keep it all together so this new weird school we are so sick and tired of doesn’t increase the friction of quite literally never ever being apart during quarantine.

We are also, of course, the primary housekeeper, because hey, we’re at home so we should have time. And then we see our social media friends designing home improvements, baking bread from scratch, and crocheting blankets for anyone and everyone.

While we’re doing all this, we’re coping with worry about our health, our family’s health, and that of our parents and grandparents. If following protocols, we haven’t seen or touched our parents in over a year! We can’t go to the library or concert or movie house. We are stuck in a box either alone craving touch, or with our family craving space apart. If we pick up our groceries in person, no doubt we’ll encounter at least one person making a statement by not wearing a mask, potentially infecting us all.

The fear and worry are thick. As for me, I feel like every cell in my body is tired. Weepy tired. The only solution is rest. Rest without guilt.

Stomach in Knots?

If you get a tight stomach even thinking about attending seasonal family reunions, here are some tips to loosen the knots.

Arrive well rested and well fed

It’s harder to manage your emotions when you’re tired and hungry. Even though the gathering might center around food, don’t starve yourself thinking you can eat with everyone else. Eat something hearty and nutritious, like a cheese sandwich, a bean soup, or even veggie sticks dipped in hummus, before you leave your house.

Have a support person

Make sure you have an adult who has your back. Bring a partner, friend, or adult child who can be your support. Tell them upfront what your fears are and make up a signal for “come distract me right now,” or “get me outta here,” or “quick reassure me I’m not the middle child anymore.” Just knowing this person is here for you can make the difference between simmering feelings and a pleasant time, or a pleasant time and rekindled bonds.

Accept what is

Don’t pick the family reunion to confront anyone, teach anyone, or show anyone anything. With expectations of “perfect” holidays, know that real holidays are just regular days, with rules, traditions, and hopes of magic heaped onto them. This isn’t the day your mother and aunt will finally get along if they haven’t gotten along before. This isn’t the time to finally speak up to your dad about how he wasn’t there for you. For now, accept them as they are – with imperfections and flaws. Accept yourself as you are, and know that you can have that confrontation at a later date of your choosing. You can try to bring your mom and aunt closer – if you really must – later.

Don’t overthink the things

Tangible things like food and gifts you give are just that - things. If the pie boils over, so be it. I promise the pie eaters in the family will still eat it. If your gift for your brother-in-law falls flat, he knows how you feel about him anyway. If you care for him, he already knows it, and doesn’t mind about the gift. If you can’t stand the sight of him, he already knows that too. If your holiday clothes don’t look as good as you thought they would, I promise it’s alright. The good thing about family is they already know you. If they are normally impressed by your dress, they’ll still be impressed by your dress, and if not, what you wear this holiday won’t change their opinion.

Have a plan

If you fear strife, you can role-play possible scenarios and their resolution. Imagine a possible tough time, like grandma and Uncle Bob fighting over politics and drinks. What can you do? Play it through in your mind all the way to the finish – you ignore them. Or you ask them to stop and they do. Or you ask them to stop and they don’t, then what? Do you leave? Do you ignore? Play it out.

Also, plan your getaway. Sometimes just knowing you’ve given yourself permission to leave whenever you want makes staying possible. If you’re riding with others, make sure they are in on the plan and agree to your getaway terms. Or drive yourself.

Use moderation

If you plan to drink alcohol, try to drink in moderation. It’s harder to manage difficult emotions when alcohol has lowered your inhibitions. If you need alcohol to confront someone or make them see how wrong they are, reread the paragraph on accepting what is, and wait for another time. If your sister knows it all, take her in small doses. Enjoy her as you can but, before you feel like pulling out your hair, veer off to another conversation or find a quiet spot to meditate.

Leave while the going is good

Finally, if you start to get tired – physically or emotionally – say your goodbyes. In fact, before you get tired – start saying your goodbyes. You don’t need to stay until the very end. It’s OK to leave whenever you want, even if everything is going well. You’re saying goodbye to the event, not to your family. Know you can visit them again, one on one – which can be less stressful anyway.

How do you manage family reunions? Comment on what works. I'd love to hear. 

And, as always, I'm here. You can reach me in Issaquah at Balance InSight, 206-790-7270.

Thanks for reading, and be well. ~ Robin

How to get the most out of counseling - 5 ways

Let’s start by telling the truth: counseling is a large investment of your time and money. Living in the Issaquah area is expensive enough and commuting to work is long enough – no need to throw away time and money. And by the time you start counseling, you’ve probably been suffering long enough that you’re really ready for things to be better. Since your time and money are being spent, here are some ways to make sure to get the most out of it.

1. Make sure you connect

Do your homework when picking a counselor. Ask people you trust, like friends, family, doctors, for names of counselors they know and trust. Look online. As you read counselors’ web sites and blog posts, watch their videos, you’ll begin to get a sense of them. When you’re ready, contact a few counselors and ask for a consultation. During the consultation, you’ll learn more about how they work and they’ll learn about you. Both you and the counselors will be able to tell if you are a good fit for one another.

In sessions, pay attention to whether and how well you connect. Keep an eye out for how well the counselor seems to “get you.” Are they empathetic, can you get to know them enough to feel like you have some things in common or that they are a bit like you? Does the counselor seem to pay attention to you?

2. Come regularly.

Just like with exercising at the same consistent time of day, you will start to become accustomed to a certain day of the week being yours to share, get care, learn, grow, and heal. You can look forward to it. If you miss weeks in between, sessions are spent catching up instead If you start and end on time, you’ll get your full time. Especially if your counselor is using a method that has a bit of a plan to it, like EMDR, there is a lead in, work, and an easing out. When sessions are cut short, the needed parts might not happen, or might not give the full effect or benefit.

3. Do your homework.

If you have homework, try your best to do it. If you’ve said yes to accepting it, you’re saying yes to saving some money and time – it’s not being completed in session, but reviewed and digested in session. If you don’t want homework, it’s OK to say that (see below – telling your counselor if something’s not working. If you don’t have time or would rather keep counseling in the counseling office – not that I’m recommending that (trying things out, practicing, at home is a great way to progress) – just say so.

4. Share even if you’re scared

It can be scary sharing intimate details with someone. That’s why it’s so important to find a counselor you connect with and can trust. But the more you can tell them about yourself and your history and your needs, the better able they are to incorporate those things into the therapy and help you process them and heal.

And 5. Tell your counselor if something’s not working.

Counselors are human beings. Just like you, we have grief, moves, children, hobbies, demeanors, etc. If something we’re doing isn’t working for you, you’re paying in money and time without benefit. Please please tell your counselor if you need them to hold you accountable, not push you so hard, change your schedule, work on different goals, or if you’re just having a day when you need to just “be” and not work on anything. We all need those days. I’m of the opinion that you know you best. I know human nature and development, psychology, family systems, and counseling but you know you.

So now I put it to you.

Pick one of these things to start with. And try it out with your counselor. If you want, you can even tell them I said to. Then post below or email me at robin@balanceinsight.com with how it went. Thanks for reading.

Don't fight to win!

When your relationship is floundering, fighting is the norm, and winning is rare, try to hold in your mind that your partner is the person you love and you are the person they love. Fighting well is hard to do and you have to practice (yep, practice) fighting to get better at it. You will make mistakes, feel unheard, and say the wrong thing in a heated moment of conflict. Just know that it's like a muscle and needs to be exercised, constructively, building on love and connection. Know that you will get better and so will your partner.

This is part 4 of my four-part VLOG series on conflict in relationships. 

And the most important thing in any relationship conflict is to fight to resolution, don’t fight to win. If you fight to win, you might win every fight and feel really great but your relationship is not going to feel safe and trusting. And that’s the goal right, to have your relationships be safe and trusting and loving. In safety, trust, and love - in relationship.

What are your goals in your relationships? What can you do to achieve them? Post below to share.

Conflict free in your relationship

We all hear how important it is to argue, disagree, and be authentic. But did you know you can actually do conflict better, communicate better, and improve your relationship if you have areas and times that are free of conflict? 

This is part 3 of my four-part VLOG series on improving relationships, conflict, and communication. Scroll down to read more, or just watch the video here. 

When you or your partner have anxiety or feels a flush of emotion from past events getting in the way, that's a good time to take a break from conflict. Staying in conflict, continuing to hash it out, will only add to the triggering and make future conflicts even harder to resolve. Better to decide to take a break, make a plan (or agree to make a plan after the flooded party is feeling more present) to come back together later - resolve the conflict later. Understand this only works if you consistently DO come back together. Over time you'll establish a pattern, a history, of keeping your word and coming back even when it's uncomfortable

You'll also want certain areas to remain conflict free zones. If you associate certain areas with conflict, tough feelings, or hard work you won't want to spend time in those areas doing loving things. I recommend keeping the bedroom a conflict free zone. This way, when you think of your room, or walk into it, you can feel immediate relief, love, and a sense of being settled in to connect sweetly, make love, or go to sleep. Some people like resolving conflict in the car; it can be less intimidating to be side by side instead of face to face. Others need the car to be a conflict free zone. The point is for you and your partner to decide what works for you.

It's OK, in fact it's necessary for your good relationship, to have time and space that is conflict free. You can improve your relationship, communicate better, and resolve conflicts when you are conscious and intentional. Let me know what you do to resolve conflict - post below to share publicly, or email me at robin@balanceinsight.com with "Resolving Conflict" in the subject line. 

Good luck and happy conflicting.

2 Tips for Better Communication

Sometimes I find myself asking: "what the heck is he saying?" or "why can't he understand what I mean?" 

Communication can really mess up relationships since there are so many places it can go wrong, leading to such huge misunderstandings. If you follow just these two tips, you can see an immediate improvement in your relationship and lessen the level of conflict.

This is part two in my 4 part series of video blogs on relationships, communication, and conflict. Today I teach you how to listen with a goal - understanding exactly what your partner is saying. We also discuss how to be super clear on what you're saying and what you want. 

Next week I'll give you two more tips to do conflict better. 

How to use conflict to improve your relationship: Cop an attitude & Lead up to it

If you hate fighting you're not alone. Most of us hate fighting and avoid conflict like the plague. But you can learn to communicate and resolve conflict in ways that improve your relationship and mover you closer together.

This is part one of a series of 4 video blogs on relationships, communication, and conflict. Today I talk about how having an attitude is important for conflict. You need an attitude of calm assertiveness - assured and confident in your right to make waves. I also discuss the lead-up - how a good preview can help you get a good outcome.

Next week I'll give you two more tips that make communication in conflict productive and easier.

The Impermanence of Both Sides of the Pain/Joy Coin

I recently returned from a silent meditation retreat – a place of painful and joyous insights. It was held in a peaceful place, in the middle of nowhere, amidst deer and wolves, caterpillars and snakes. In an effort to force myself to get up and stay up for early morning 4:30 am meditation, I volunteered to ring the morning gong each day.

I set my travel alarm for 3:50 and dressed silently by the light of the little wooden lamp, wrapping scarves around my neck and head – it’s cold in the dark in the woods. My job was to walk outside under the awnings around the women’s dorms, hitting the wooden mallet on the heavy – brass, I think – gong, making it spin and sending vibrations of sound in all directions signaling 4 am wakeup and 4:20 “get yourself to the meditation hall,” for women meditation students.

By 4:30, I was wide awake for morning meditation and took my assigned cushioned spot in the meditation hall. Seated in silence, unmoving, scanning my body for vibrations, my feet would go to sleep. The tingling turned to electric shocks as I worked to notice the sensation, wonder about it, without judgement, and then move on to each area of my body, piece by piece. Working my way up, my back screamed in silence. Notice, wonder, no craving, no aversion, anicca, anicca, anicca* – the law of impermanence.

Meditation continued, alternating with meals and breaks, until 9:30 at night, for ten difficult and wondrous days.

During meals and breaks, I thought. In my head without distraction can be a scary place to live, and so I tried to notice, wonder, and practice anicca with my thoughts. I had painful thoughts of childhood traumas, joyous thoughts of future life plans, and tender fearful thoughts of the impending loss of my dear friend, his third bout with cancer, third type, ever growing. And I cried. Often. In silence. Walking the mowed paths in the meadow and looking out at deer during teatime. Why did he do that? I got this! Why must she go and leave all her children?

I made decisions, changed decisions, and meditated on it.

I must confront my father for his sins against me; I must not confront my father, he can hurt me in other ways now; I am not a traumatized child anymore and my existence no longer depends on the whims of my father.

I must continue my agency job healing moods and personalities; I must leave my job to support myself; I will continue my work, my life's mission, in my own office.

My friend will die; my friend might live with this treatment and that intervention; my friend’s body is dying and I will hold his family in my heart and his soul in my hands.

And then, I meditated some more.

The last night of the retreat was a buffer between the isolation and noble silence of meditation and the hustle bustle noise of the outside world. Talking was allowed everywhere except in the meditation hall. I stayed up late in deep discussion with other women I felt silently bonded to. And then the pain/joy coin hit me in my gut: life is pain and life is joy. Physical aching electrical pain and horror-invoking mental pain and the heart ripping pain of grief. Subtle pinpoint vibration joy and emancipating courageous “I got away” joy and hopeful life without end joy.

And now, I meditate some more.

*Anicca is pronounced uh-nee-cha, and means impermanence in Pali. The law of impermanence says that pain and suffering, like joy and happiness, are impermanent.

If you've experienced grief, loss, trauma, or pain, you can feel better. I'm here. You can call me to schedule a consultation, where we'll talk a bit, give you some hope, and see if maybe you want a little more help.