Depression: It's more than "just" sadness

When is it depression?

Some people think depression and sadness are the same thing. Or depression and grief. Like you’re sad your kid made a bad choice at school and you wish he didn’t have to spend recess “on the wall.” Or you’re grieving because your aunt died, and she was your favorite, and you cry sometimes when you think about her. Those things are different from depression - not less than or better than.

Depression is more about wanting to disappear, become tiny, curl up in a corner and stay that way forever. You can’t sleep but once you do you can’t get up. At all. And you feel like this pretty much all day every day.

Your limbs feel heavy, and walking from the couch or bed to the sink for a glass of water is like moving through mud and you don’t have the energy to even think about trying it. In fact, you might actually have mud – or at least dirt – throughout the house since, with depression, it’s hard to be motivated to clean.

You CAN get stuck in sadness and develop depression. And you CAN get stuck in grief and develop depression. But generally, sadness and grief ebb and flow depending on your situation, while depression sticks around for more than a couple of weeks.

You’ve lost interest in things that used to be fun for you. You don’t socialize anymore and even Facebook takes too much energy. You used to love visiting friends but now you spend your time at home alone, and don’t even open the curtains. You used to enjoy going dancing but now you binge watch Scandal or Breaking Bad.

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Generally, sadness and grief ebb and

flow, while depression sticks around

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If you’re eating, you’re eating whatever’s easy – whether it’s healthy or not, tasty or not. Or you might be eating all the time. Boxes of cereal and milk, cartons of ice cream, bags of potato chips, supersized candy bars one after the other, or Happy Meals from drive throughs. But you’re not likely cooking nutritionally balanced meals that take planning or look and taste appealing.

You’re probably moving and talking much slower than normal for you – so much that other people might have noticed. Your parents would say you’re “dawdling,” and coworkers would call you unmotivated, but you just know you’re exhausted. And your voice has become monotone with less feeling, shorter sentences, and smaller words.

It’s likely gotten harder to concentrate and make decisions. You don’t read books anymore or watch full length TV movies, but rather flip through magazines and watch shorter shows. And if the choice is what to eat, you probably won’t eat at all. What to wear? You’ll just stay in your bathrobe.

You feel so worthless and guilty and hopeless that you wonder why you were even born, like you’re a burden to all those around you, like your existence is a mistake. You can’t imagine a better or different future.  Please, if you feel like you might hurt yourself, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or go to the online Lifeline Chat at http://chat.suicidepreventionlifeline.org for help.

And all of this feels like it’s gone on for an eternity and that it will never, ever be different.

That’s depression

I picture sadness and grief as bumps on an otherwise steady road of life. Depression is more of a dip, a dent (or a depression) in the road, so deep you need help to climb out.

If this sounds like you - if you think you might have depression - call me for a free consultation where we’ll discuss strategies to get you feeling better or whether you need more help. And in the meantime, click for some activities to get temporary relief.

As always, thank you for reading my post, and please share with anyone you think it might help.

To Hide or to Run: Tools to Help with Decision Making in a World with Too Many Choices

Did you ever play hide and seek, outside in the neighborhood, after dark? My cousins were the best at surrounding the good hiding spaces, causing me to freeze, leaning toward the corner of the garage – nope, Kathy’s there, leaning toward the cave under the stairs – nope Pam’s there. As a child I’d think: what’s keeping me from just grabbing a spot and hiding? Well here it is: to make one choice was to leave behind other, possibly better options. Worse, the number of hiding spots felt infinite, so any one choice eliminated an infinite number of potentially better choices. Now, don’t get me wrong, I know the difference between hiding spots at age 8 and where to move, where to work, whether to have children, who to reach out to at age 30 or 40 or 50.

Some people list pros and cons on a T-chart. That’s one way as long as the items on each side have equal weight and value. I tend to pick apart the items into smaller parts, taking lots of time making sure the smaller items are relatively equal.

Some people research and gather information from the internet, friends, and professionals, mull it all about and synthesize things into the one best choice. I try this one often. If nothing else, I enjoy learning more about possibilities. That said, I have a hard time making an actual decision.

Another thing I try is flipping a coin. Even for major decisions. Wait, hear me out. Say, for example I am trying to decide whether to move to Hawaii or stay in Oregon. I researched in a huge way, read books about the different islands, talked to friends I trust, and made a lengthy list of pros (all about beaches and sunshine) and cons (many more – pet quarantine, leaving jobs, no family or friends there, etc.).

In the end I flipped a coin. Heads, we’d live on an island; tails, we’d stay in Oregon. Now this is the beauty of coin flips: it’s a coin, not a judge or The Price Is Right. I flipped tails. My reaction was on of disappointment, sadness, “why not’s,” and “but I want to’s.” Coin flipping lets me gauge my reaction to the coin outcome and my decision becomes clear.

Another decision making tool I use, especially for decisions with more than two options, is eeny meeny miney moe. Yes, the childhood game. There are a couple of ways to do this. I like to touch a photo of each option or have some item that symbolizes each option and touch them as I go around, one touch and one word for each option.

• Eeny (go to Hawaii this year), meeny (stay in Oregon), miney (move to Hawaii after retirement), moe (move to Florida instead),

• catcha (go to Hawaii this year), piggy (stay in Oregon), by the (move to Hawaii after retirement), toe (move to Florida instead),

• if he (go to Hawaii this year), hollers (stay in Oregon), let him (move to Hawaii after retirement), go (move to Florida instead),

• Eeny (go to Hawaii this year), meeny (stay in Oregon), miney (move to Hawaii after retirement), moe (move to Florida instead).

If I land on Florida and I don’t want to move there, I toss that out and start again with just 3 choices. If I want Florida in, I cheat and decide that means I win and get to go to Florida. Either way I’m tricking my brain into making decisions.

Decisional Balance

For a broader, deeper, and visually relevant decision making method, I like the Decisional Balance Activity. It’s a grid that works a bit like the T-chart, but it includes scales of how important the choice (change) is and how certain you are that you can make the choice (change). It looks something like the graphic (click to enlarge, and thank you Miller and Rollnick).

How do you make decisions? Try one of these and let me know what works for you. Add others if you have ‘em. Thanks! We all need a little help with choices.