What are Your Signs of Spring?

It’s been a long hard winter, literally and figuratively. With COVID and staying home, isolation and depression have been an awful stormy season of life. When times are more than awful, inside or out of your body, inside or out of your state or country, it’s important to look for the signs of spring.

In earth seasons, crocuses mean spring is coming for me. Some years they even poke through the icy snow, like little superheroes. In depression and isolation seasons, signs can look like a tiny bit more energy. A faster pace or more focus than you had before. In COVID season it can look like getting your vaccination, or traveling even though you have to wear a mask.

What are the signs you see? How can I help you find them?

Am I normal? 4 normal feelings for adults abused as children

Many adults who were abused as children have no sense of what normal is. What does normal feel like? Am I normal?

Here are just a few of the normal feelings you may have, in response to your neglect, mistreatment, sexual or physical abuse, or psychological abuse.

And, yes, you are normal.

Numbness

As a child, your brain did a wonderful job protecting you. There may have been times when what was happening to you was so crushing, your child brain couldn’t make sense of it.  In response to thoughts like, “this person hurting me is supposed to protect me! If my protector is hurting me, I will die!” your brain pushed it aside, blocked it out, partitioned it off, helped you act as if nothing abnormal was happening. This is a common adaptation and a good survival technique. It is thanks to your wonderful brain that you survived your childhood.

When thinking back about the abuse you may have no feelings about it at all. Or you may feel that it was no big deal, nothing at all. Or that you are nothing. This is still a normal protective way of adapting to something awful. And you are normal if you feel this numbness.

Note: Severe numbness in certain cases, can be a symptom of dissociation, and that’s another topic for another time. But you are still normal.

Anger

As a child you may have been angry often. This is a normal response to someone, anyone, making your life hell. You deserved safety, love, play, and you got a raw deal. Even if you didn’t yet know that your life was different from other kids’ you knew you were being hurt or threatened, and you knew you had to keep your guard up.

If you feel angry now, or get angry in response to seemingly small slights, this is normal and common for adults abused as children. And you are normal if you feel this anger.

Note: Sometimes anger can be a symptom of depression or anxiety, and that’s another topic for another time. But you are still normal.

Sadness

As a child, your miraculous little self had so much potential and possibility. You could grow up and be anything, do anything, or several anythings at once. And bit by bit this possibility was snatched away. If you were the family scapegoat you witnessed the difference between your siblings’ care and your own. Your losses are sad, and it’s normal to feel sad over loss.

Today, you may feel sad in general, or in response to any loss or missed opportunity. Your sadness may be bigger than you think it should be. A broken bird eggshell in your yard might mean a baby bird died and bring you immense grief. A story about a happy child may remind you of what could have been, or of what loss lies in store for the child in the story. You may find yourself crying for no reason at all. This is normal too.

Note: Sadness can also be a symptom of depression, and that’s another topic for another time. But you are still normal.

Fear

As a child, your caregivers had the ultimate power over your life, death, and happiness. It wasn’t safe to play, make noise, run, or be noticed, and your emotional and physical safety, and maybe your life, depended on your brain’s ability to pick up on tiny cues that might signal upcoming harm to you. Fear is the normal response. It let you prepare to flee or fight or hide inside yourself.

Now, you may be fearful of things others are not. Answering the phone or door, watching news, learning you’re sick, talking to coworkers, all can bring on heightened fear. You may describe yourself as afraid of the world. This is normal and you are normal for feeling it.

Note: Severe fear, in certain cases, can be a sign of anxiety, and that’s another topic for another time. But you are still normal.

One of the hardest things about growing up with abuse is not knowing what’s normal. There are many more feelings that are normal. And there is a huge range of what normal looks and feels like.

If you’re tired of wondering what’s normal, feeling like you're not normal, or you want help with your own numbness, anger, sadness, or fear (or dissociation, depression, or anxiety) call me for a free telephone consultation.

I’m here to help you feel better.

When feelings feel physical

 “It’s all in your head.”

“You need to get over it.”

 “Just ignore it and move on.”

How often do we say this to people who feel depressed or anxious?

Well, we’ve all heard of people heading for the Emergency Room with chest pain and learning it was a panic attack. This is because panic has a profoundly physical part of it that can make it hard to function. Imagine how hard would be to ignore severe chest pain. This is what’s being asked when folks tell people with anxiety and panic to just get over it. Many feelings and mental health disruptions can show up as physical health issues. Check with your doctor to rule out things like heart attacks, stomach ulcers, and brain or neurological problems, of course, but once those are ruled out, look for a mood or psychological issue (feelings or thoughts) that could be helped with counseling.

Imagine, or maybe you’ve already felt it, the amount of pain involved to send you to the hospital. All the parts of us are connected so it makes sense that depression, anxiety, and trauma can cause physical symptoms. If you get frequent stomach aches, headaches, or even just feel unwell or less healthy, this can be due to either a physical injury or illness, or a mental one.

Not sure about the connection between psychological and physical feelings? Try this little experiment: Bring something to mind that makes you feel angry – a memory, assumption, future meeting with someone. Sit with that thought or memory for a few minutes and notice if there’s a place in your body that feels pain or other physical sensations. For me, it’s my head. If I’m really angry my head sometimes aches. I know, most of us get headaches on occasion. I’m not saying they are always due to anger or other emotion - but sometimes mine are.

Now bring up a memory or future event that causes you fear. Where do you feel it in your body. Some people feel heavy limbs, stomach aches, or a sore throat.

Now try it with sadness, again sitting with the thought or memory for a few minutes. Pay attention to your body and where your sadness lives. Do you feel a heavy chest, a sharp stomach ache, something else?

And lastly, think of something or some time you felt joy. The kind of joy that has you jumping, clapping, and maybe even crying for its beauty. How does your body feel? Hollow? Full? Loose? My arms and legs get almost floaty, they become so light.

Bonus, you can try this with other positive feelings to help you improve your mood. Recall something terrific (calming, or safe, or happy), including sounds and smells. Keep it in your mind for more than a few minutes. It really works!

It seems that some pains may truly be in our head, but that’s not a bad thing. If you have unresolved pain, and your doctor can find nothing physically wrong, call me to talk about whether you might want more help. 

Related posts: Where do you hold stress, Mad as hell, Finding the right therapist (anywhere)

Depression: It's more than "just" sadness

When is it depression?

Some people think depression and sadness are the same thing. Or depression and grief. Like you’re sad your kid made a bad choice at school and you wish he didn’t have to spend recess “on the wall.” Or you’re grieving because your aunt died, and she was your favorite, and you cry sometimes when you think about her. Those things are different from depression - not less than or better than.

Depression is more about wanting to disappear, become tiny, curl up in a corner and stay that way forever. You can’t sleep but once you do you can’t get up. At all. And you feel like this pretty much all day every day.

Your limbs feel heavy, and walking from the couch or bed to the sink for a glass of water is like moving through mud and you don’t have the energy to even think about trying it. In fact, you might actually have mud – or at least dirt – throughout the house since, with depression, it’s hard to be motivated to clean.

You CAN get stuck in sadness and develop depression. And you CAN get stuck in grief and develop depression. But generally, sadness and grief ebb and flow depending on your situation, while depression sticks around for more than a couple of weeks.

You’ve lost interest in things that used to be fun for you. You don’t socialize anymore and even Facebook takes too much energy. You used to love visiting friends but now you spend your time at home alone, and don’t even open the curtains. You used to enjoy going dancing but now you binge watch Scandal or Breaking Bad.

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Generally, sadness and grief ebb and

flow, while depression sticks around

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If you’re eating, you’re eating whatever’s easy – whether it’s healthy or not, tasty or not. Or you might be eating all the time. Boxes of cereal and milk, cartons of ice cream, bags of potato chips, supersized candy bars one after the other, or Happy Meals from drive throughs. But you’re not likely cooking nutritionally balanced meals that take planning or look and taste appealing.

You’re probably moving and talking much slower than normal for you – so much that other people might have noticed. Your parents would say you’re “dawdling,” and coworkers would call you unmotivated, but you just know you’re exhausted. And your voice has become monotone with less feeling, shorter sentences, and smaller words.

It’s likely gotten harder to concentrate and make decisions. You don’t read books anymore or watch full length TV movies, but rather flip through magazines and watch shorter shows. And if the choice is what to eat, you probably won’t eat at all. What to wear? You’ll just stay in your bathrobe.

You feel so worthless and guilty and hopeless that you wonder why you were even born, like you’re a burden to all those around you, like your existence is a mistake. You can’t imagine a better or different future.  Please, if you feel like you might hurt yourself, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or go to the online Lifeline Chat at http://chat.suicidepreventionlifeline.org for help.

And all of this feels like it’s gone on for an eternity and that it will never, ever be different.

That’s depression

I picture sadness and grief as bumps on an otherwise steady road of life. Depression is more of a dip, a dent (or a depression) in the road, so deep you need help to climb out.

If this sounds like you - if you think you might have depression - call me for a free consultation where we’ll discuss strategies to get you feeling better or whether you need more help. And in the meantime, click for some activities to get temporary relief.

As always, thank you for reading my post, and please share with anyone you think it might help.

How to feel better when you're depressed

Have you ever felt so sad you couldn't leave your bed? Make something to eat? Here are some ways to feel better, fast. If you feel you might have depression, try one or several of these.

1. Accept – Recognize your symptoms of insomnia or exhaustion, irritability and withdrawal, isolating, eating too much or having no appetite can be symptoms of depression. Depression is nothing to be ashamed of, in fact it’s quite common. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) 8% of people 12 and older suffer from depression. Accept.

2. Move – This one is hard because being depressed means you don’t want to move, don’t want to go anywhere, and maybe don’t want to get out of bed. If you can make yourself move your muscles every so often, even if it’s to walk from your couch to the refrigerator, you will feel better. Move.

3. Eat – Eat small healthy meals or snacks whether you’re hungry or not. Depression commonly affects appetite. Some of us eat comfort food and lots of it, while others would rather eat nothing at all. Eating a small healthy mix like an egg, and apple, and toast puts something good in your stomach, staves off hunger, and helps keep your blood sugar where it needs to be. Eat.

4. Argue – Identify the thought or belief that’s perpetuating your feelings and consciously dispute it. Argue with yourself. If you’re feeling down because you feel other people don’t understand you, tell yourself with resoluteness, “Shawn understands me.” If you’re sad because your partner left and you feel like you’ll never be OK without her, tell yourself, “I miss her but I was OK before her and I will be OK after her.” Argue.

5. Pet – If you have a cat, dog, or other household animal, or have access to visit one, spend time petting them. Research shows that petting an animal releases endorphins, the body’s natural opiates responsible for feeling good. Pet.

6. Seek a qualified therapist to talk to. A good therapist can help you experience relief in as little as 1 session, so long as you dig in and do the work. Many therapists specialize in treating people with depression. Seek.