What do adult children need anyway?

You’ve sort of finished raising your kids.

They are adults who still need you, yes, but since they’re on their own, they need you in a different way.

They still need us to model being good citizens, parenting, navigating the adult world, and certainly they need to watch us make mistakes and repair relationships so they can try it themselves.

It’s hard to remember we are not friends, although we may have friendly behaviors. We aren’t peers or colleagues, even if they’ve gone into a similar field as us. If they’re parents themselves, it’s easy to feel like they have arrived to where we are. But they haven’t.

They may have different ideas than ours about how to parent, what it means to have a good work ethic, how to become a homeowner, who to vote for. And that’s healthy. It’s a really good sign that our kids aren’t miniature versions of us.

Mother and child relationships get more and more complex the older we get.

Our kids will use what we've taught them to become independent thinkers, with unique values, needs, and paths. And that’s healthy. And they'll get input and information from other sources that we may not like. And they'll make mistakes as we did. And some of those mistakes and some of those choices will feel devastating and heart-crushing to us. And God it's hard to accept that sometimes.

For a time we might need to love from afar, love up close, love in spite of, love because of, and love beside them - but keep loving. And know they love you.

The invisible thread is never gone.

Stomach in Knots?

If you get a tight stomach even thinking about attending seasonal family reunions, here are some tips to loosen the knots.

Arrive well rested and well fed

It’s harder to manage your emotions when you’re tired and hungry. Even though the gathering might center around food, don’t starve yourself thinking you can eat with everyone else. Eat something hearty and nutritious, like a cheese sandwich, a bean soup, or even veggie sticks dipped in hummus, before you leave your house.

Have a support person

Make sure you have an adult who has your back. Bring a partner, friend, or adult child who can be your support. Tell them upfront what your fears are and make up a signal for “come distract me right now,” or “get me outta here,” or “quick reassure me I’m not the middle child anymore.” Just knowing this person is here for you can make the difference between simmering feelings and a pleasant time, or a pleasant time and rekindled bonds.

Accept what is

Don’t pick the family reunion to confront anyone, teach anyone, or show anyone anything. With expectations of “perfect” holidays, know that real holidays are just regular days, with rules, traditions, and hopes of magic heaped onto them. This isn’t the day your mother and aunt will finally get along if they haven’t gotten along before. This isn’t the time to finally speak up to your dad about how he wasn’t there for you. For now, accept them as they are – with imperfections and flaws. Accept yourself as you are, and know that you can have that confrontation at a later date of your choosing. You can try to bring your mom and aunt closer – if you really must – later.

Don’t overthink the things

Tangible things like food and gifts you give are just that - things. If the pie boils over, so be it. I promise the pie eaters in the family will still eat it. If your gift for your brother-in-law falls flat, he knows how you feel about him anyway. If you care for him, he already knows it, and doesn’t mind about the gift. If you can’t stand the sight of him, he already knows that too. If your holiday clothes don’t look as good as you thought they would, I promise it’s alright. The good thing about family is they already know you. If they are normally impressed by your dress, they’ll still be impressed by your dress, and if not, what you wear this holiday won’t change their opinion.

Have a plan

If you fear strife, you can role-play possible scenarios and their resolution. Imagine a possible tough time, like grandma and Uncle Bob fighting over politics and drinks. What can you do? Play it through in your mind all the way to the finish – you ignore them. Or you ask them to stop and they do. Or you ask them to stop and they don’t, then what? Do you leave? Do you ignore? Play it out.

Also, plan your getaway. Sometimes just knowing you’ve given yourself permission to leave whenever you want makes staying possible. If you’re riding with others, make sure they are in on the plan and agree to your getaway terms. Or drive yourself.

Use moderation

If you plan to drink alcohol, try to drink in moderation. It’s harder to manage difficult emotions when alcohol has lowered your inhibitions. If you need alcohol to confront someone or make them see how wrong they are, reread the paragraph on accepting what is, and wait for another time. If your sister knows it all, take her in small doses. Enjoy her as you can but, before you feel like pulling out your hair, veer off to another conversation or find a quiet spot to meditate.

Leave while the going is good

Finally, if you start to get tired – physically or emotionally – say your goodbyes. In fact, before you get tired – start saying your goodbyes. You don’t need to stay until the very end. It’s OK to leave whenever you want, even if everything is going well. You’re saying goodbye to the event, not to your family. Know you can visit them again, one on one – which can be less stressful anyway.

How do you manage family reunions? Comment on what works. I'd love to hear. 

And, as always, I'm here. You can reach me in Issaquah at Balance InSight, 206-790-7270.

Thanks for reading, and be well. ~ Robin

Saying NO: 4 Steps to Telling Your Mother No

Like many women of a certain age, we’ve moved past being a rebellious daughter and into being a mother in our own families. We tell our children no when they ask for unreasonable or unhealthy things. We tell our partners no when they have unrealistic expectations. We even tell our best friends no when we need more time with our children and partners. Why, then, is it so difficult to say no to our mothers or fathers or other members in our family of origin?

In some cases, we feel obligated to go along with our parents’ requests, no matter the cost to us. She raised us, changed our diapers, protected us from mean neighbor kids, and took us out for ice cream after the dentist. We feel we owe her our allegiance.

In other cases, we feel obligated since she put us first, no matter the cost to them. Maybe they left our hometown and their friends to move us closer to a better school. Or, she skipped work, again, left early, again, and jeopardized their job each time we threw up at school. We feel we owe her our undying loyalty.

But, sometimes, we comply with her demands because we recognize her power to hurt us, even as the grownups we are. We know from experience she can turn our siblings against us, disinvite us to family holidays, or simply send a nasty email that feels like banishment. We feel we need them to survive.

Regardless of our reason for saying no, it can feel impossible. Good news: you can learn to say no, stick with your no, and feel better for it.

1. First, get clear with yourself that you want to say no. It’s important to you. You feel it in your gut and it matters.
   

2. Second, phrase it in the affirmative to yourself. No, I will not cancel my trip to Greece because you want me with you during the anniversary of your divorce becomes “I have a vacation planned and I’m going to Greece.”
   

3. Third, practice and be a broken record. Don’t scatter about trying to put out other fires. “I’m going on vacation to Greece next month.” But I need you. “I’m going on vacation to Greece next month.” You’re so selfish. “I’m going on vacation to Greece next month.” Your sister wouldn’t go away when I needed her. “I’m going on vacation to Greece next month.” Rinse and repeat. If you need to, you can add an "I love you" in there but stick to the main message and don’t get sucked in to answering the little accusations and manipulations.
   

4. And fourth, reward yourself for your bravery, for taking your needs seriously, and for being a role model for your own children. Before long, your kids will need to learn to say no to you. You can start teaching them, by example, now.

Family relationships can be a source of support, affection, and learning, but without boundaries and saying no when you need to can lead to energy loss, distress, and anxiety. If you're having a hard time saying no or keeping boundaries and want to improve your relationships, call or email to schedule a free telephone consultation where you'll get some ideas and learn if maybe you want more help.

How to get the most out of counseling - 5 ways

Let’s start by telling the truth: counseling is a large investment of your time and money. Living in the Issaquah area is expensive enough and commuting to work is long enough – no need to throw away time and money. And by the time you start counseling, you’ve probably been suffering long enough that you’re really ready for things to be better. Since your time and money are being spent, here are some ways to make sure to get the most out of it.

1. Make sure you connect

Do your homework when picking a counselor. Ask people you trust, like friends, family, doctors, for names of counselors they know and trust. Look online. As you read counselors’ web sites and blog posts, watch their videos, you’ll begin to get a sense of them. When you’re ready, contact a few counselors and ask for a consultation. During the consultation, you’ll learn more about how they work and they’ll learn about you. Both you and the counselors will be able to tell if you are a good fit for one another.

In sessions, pay attention to whether and how well you connect. Keep an eye out for how well the counselor seems to “get you.” Are they empathetic, can you get to know them enough to feel like you have some things in common or that they are a bit like you? Does the counselor seem to pay attention to you?

2. Come regularly.

Just like with exercising at the same consistent time of day, you will start to become accustomed to a certain day of the week being yours to share, get care, learn, grow, and heal. You can look forward to it. If you miss weeks in between, sessions are spent catching up instead If you start and end on time, you’ll get your full time. Especially if your counselor is using a method that has a bit of a plan to it, like EMDR, there is a lead in, work, and an easing out. When sessions are cut short, the needed parts might not happen, or might not give the full effect or benefit.

3. Do your homework.

If you have homework, try your best to do it. If you’ve said yes to accepting it, you’re saying yes to saving some money and time – it’s not being completed in session, but reviewed and digested in session. If you don’t want homework, it’s OK to say that (see below – telling your counselor if something’s not working. If you don’t have time or would rather keep counseling in the counseling office – not that I’m recommending that (trying things out, practicing, at home is a great way to progress) – just say so.

4. Share even if you’re scared

It can be scary sharing intimate details with someone. That’s why it’s so important to find a counselor you connect with and can trust. But the more you can tell them about yourself and your history and your needs, the better able they are to incorporate those things into the therapy and help you process them and heal.

And 5. Tell your counselor if something’s not working.

Counselors are human beings. Just like you, we have grief, moves, children, hobbies, demeanors, etc. If something we’re doing isn’t working for you, you’re paying in money and time without benefit. Please please tell your counselor if you need them to hold you accountable, not push you so hard, change your schedule, work on different goals, or if you’re just having a day when you need to just “be” and not work on anything. We all need those days. I’m of the opinion that you know you best. I know human nature and development, psychology, family systems, and counseling but you know you.

So now I put it to you.

Pick one of these things to start with. And try it out with your counselor. If you want, you can even tell them I said to. Then post below or email me at robin@balanceinsight.com with how it went. Thanks for reading.

Don't fight to win!

When your relationship is floundering, fighting is the norm, and winning is rare, try to hold in your mind that your partner is the person you love and you are the person they love. Fighting well is hard to do and you have to practice (yep, practice) fighting to get better at it. You will make mistakes, feel unheard, and say the wrong thing in a heated moment of conflict. Just know that it's like a muscle and needs to be exercised, constructively, building on love and connection. Know that you will get better and so will your partner.

This is part 4 of my four-part VLOG series on conflict in relationships. 

And the most important thing in any relationship conflict is to fight to resolution, don’t fight to win. If you fight to win, you might win every fight and feel really great but your relationship is not going to feel safe and trusting. And that’s the goal right, to have your relationships be safe and trusting and loving. In safety, trust, and love - in relationship.

What are your goals in your relationships? What can you do to achieve them? Post below to share.

Conflict free in your relationship

We all hear how important it is to argue, disagree, and be authentic. But did you know you can actually do conflict better, communicate better, and improve your relationship if you have areas and times that are free of conflict? 

This is part 3 of my four-part VLOG series on improving relationships, conflict, and communication. Scroll down to read more, or just watch the video here. 

When you or your partner have anxiety or feels a flush of emotion from past events getting in the way, that's a good time to take a break from conflict. Staying in conflict, continuing to hash it out, will only add to the triggering and make future conflicts even harder to resolve. Better to decide to take a break, make a plan (or agree to make a plan after the flooded party is feeling more present) to come back together later - resolve the conflict later. Understand this only works if you consistently DO come back together. Over time you'll establish a pattern, a history, of keeping your word and coming back even when it's uncomfortable

You'll also want certain areas to remain conflict free zones. If you associate certain areas with conflict, tough feelings, or hard work you won't want to spend time in those areas doing loving things. I recommend keeping the bedroom a conflict free zone. This way, when you think of your room, or walk into it, you can feel immediate relief, love, and a sense of being settled in to connect sweetly, make love, or go to sleep. Some people like resolving conflict in the car; it can be less intimidating to be side by side instead of face to face. Others need the car to be a conflict free zone. The point is for you and your partner to decide what works for you.

It's OK, in fact it's necessary for your good relationship, to have time and space that is conflict free. You can improve your relationship, communicate better, and resolve conflicts when you are conscious and intentional. Let me know what you do to resolve conflict - post below to share publicly, or email me at robin@balanceinsight.com with "Resolving Conflict" in the subject line. 

Good luck and happy conflicting.

2 Tips for Better Communication

Sometimes I find myself asking: "what the heck is he saying?" or "why can't he understand what I mean?" 

Communication can really mess up relationships since there are so many places it can go wrong, leading to such huge misunderstandings. If you follow just these two tips, you can see an immediate improvement in your relationship and lessen the level of conflict.

This is part two in my 4 part series of video blogs on relationships, communication, and conflict. Today I teach you how to listen with a goal - understanding exactly what your partner is saying. We also discuss how to be super clear on what you're saying and what you want. 

Next week I'll give you two more tips to do conflict better. 

How to use conflict to improve your relationship: Cop an attitude & Lead up to it

If you hate fighting you're not alone. Most of us hate fighting and avoid conflict like the plague. But you can learn to communicate and resolve conflict in ways that improve your relationship and mover you closer together.

This is part one of a series of 4 video blogs on relationships, communication, and conflict. Today I talk about how having an attitude is important for conflict. You need an attitude of calm assertiveness - assured and confident in your right to make waves. I also discuss the lead-up - how a good preview can help you get a good outcome.

Next week I'll give you two more tips that make communication in conflict productive and easier.

Motherhood and the Luxury of My Broken Sleep

C’mon, admit it. When you were a child of napping age, you knew as well as I did how to muss up your hair, the sheets, and your clothing just so. I hated sleep. I excelled at scrunching up my face before leaving the bedroom, and making my voice just a bit croaky – to demonstrate that I had, in fact, taken the obligatory nap that I knew none of my friends had to take. Sometimes, my mom was on to me and sent me back to bed with, “Don’t you come out until you’ve slept; now I mean it!” I’d wait until she was quiet enough that I knew she was far away in the living room, maybe watching television, back when the channels were free. Or reading a true crime magazine she hid from the eyes of us kids. The coast was clear. Now I could quietly pull out Nancy Drew, or my Spirograph, something quiet to pass the time before mussing up my hair and sheets, smooshing up my face and clothing, and prepping my voice to sound sleepy so I could try leaving my bedroom again. I’d never really fall asleep during the day anyway. Outside the neighbors were loudly whooping it up on the swing set, seeing who could jump out and land the farthest, back when swing sets didn’t come with safety gear, and a good landing in grass and dirt was enough to knock the wind out of a kid – proving they were indeed a hotshot.

Later, when bedtimes moved out to eight, nine, or 10 o’clock, even with permission to read there always came a time when they yelled up the stairs, “I said lights out; now don’t make me come up there!” I still hated sleep. I moved in, under covers with a flashlight and a stack of Teen Beat magazines, studying Bobby Sherman and David Cassidy’s “Favorite Places to Take Girls on Dates,” and reading how to “Win a Trip to Dinner with Erik Estrada.”

For a short period, about age 21, I loved sleep more than dating, eating, dancing, camping, and anything else (except maybe Christmas). I easily slept seven or more hours a night. Even if I stayed until closing, at the pub, dancing in girl groups, I simply slept in longer the next morning.

Then came motherhood, and sweet baby Jeremy. Our perfect son who rarely fussed, nursed easily, potty trained easily, and was just so good-natured. Except at night. During the typical night, he ate more than four times. Four. That’s sleeping in less than 2 hour increments when you count the time it takes to change the wet diaper, nurse on one side, burp, nurse on the other side, burp, and snuggle him back in his cradle. His daddy placed the hot water bottle in the cradle every single time I nursed, removing it when Jeremy was rocking back to sleep. We tried not talking to him; that was a disaster. How can you keep a straight face and not play and interact when your baby coos at you at 3 or 4 am? I certainly couldn’t.

When he was 10 years old and still waking up throughout the night, I remember the thought hitting me that I had gone more than 10 years without a full night’s sleep. And I got up, calming him after a bad dream, bringing drinks of water, turning on the night light. Sometimes making hot vanilla milk to sooth him back to sleep.

Now, in my 50s I still sleep restlessly, waking often. I realize I’ve never really slept well, whether due to the chance of missing out on a good book or Spirograph, swinging or playing; or due to movie stars beckoning me to read about their cars, favorite foods, or pets; or due to my son, crying or cooing, hungry or scared. Or, now, due again to the chance of missing out, missing out on a memory of a son cooing at me in the dark 30 years ago, or sipping hot vanilla milk after a bad dream 20 years ago, or lately texting me “Good night to the old lady whispering hush.”

Motherhood never ends. I still can’t sleep; I might miss out on some motherhood.

*”Good night to the old lady whispering hush” from a beloved book Goodnight Moon, by Margaret Wise Brown, Harper Collins Publisher.