EMD What? FAQs about EMDR

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing Therapy (EMDR) is one of the great counseling techniques (stay tuned for others) to lessen the triggers and flooding that come with anxiety. It works on the stuck memories that come out with physical sensations when we are confronted with smells, sights, people, places, or sounds that are similar to trauma, pain, or fear we experienced in the past. For example, if you’ve experienced sexual assault that started when you were sleeping, by a man with alcohol and cigarettes on his breath, you might start sweating or crying when you smell the combination of cigarette smoke and alcohol. You might start hyperventilating or having chest pain when you are woken up from a deep sleep. You might need to sleep with the lights on, or in your living room, or not much at all.

Triggers

The smoke, alcohol, darkness, being woken up, or sleep itself, are triggers that flood the brain with chemicals that put us into fight, flight, or most commonly, freeze mode.

We feel immobilized and experience panic, perspiration, inability to catch our breath, chest pain, tingling sensations in our hands or feet, lightheadedness, nausea, or headaches. We might get a flush of being extremely hot or cold, blacking out, and even a sensation of either watching ourselves from outside our bodies or of not being present in that time and space at all (this last one is called dissociation and I’ll post more about it later).

Protection

These physical sensations, interestingly, are our brain and body’s way of protecting us from danger. Our brain was so overwhelmed by the danger and trauma of the assault that it goes into protection mode to make sure to keep us from getting assaulted again – it warns us if any aspect of the assault is present now to tell us to get away and get safe.

When you think about it that way, our brains are pretty amazing, right? The problem comes when the brain’s attempt to protect us isn’t helpful, like when we are not in danger of assault but the brain thinks we might be, so we can’t be around certain smells or sights or places without experiencing the physical and immobilizing symptoms I talked about above.

While our brains are terrific at protecting us, that protection, when we don’t need it, gets in the way of us living life and doing things we want to do.

Enter EMDR Therapy

EMDR is a technique that I use, to help your brain recognize that sleep doesn’t necessarily lead to assault, nor does darkness, or the smells of cigarette smoke and beer.

EMDR uses something called bilateral stimulation – stimulating both sides of the brain – to get the emotional feeling side synced up with the logical thinking side. Integrating the two sides around the trauma helps the brain reprocess the traumatic event and move it from a current trauma to a past trauma, thereby lessening the physical triggers and panic in the present.

Sounds like such a relief, right? It certainly can be. EMDR does not make the memories go away, but it does lessen and dilute the symptoms related to the assault – or car wreck, dental visit, humiliating or fearful event, loss, death of a loved one, combat, dog bite, or, or, or, you get the idea.

Like all EMDR trained therapists, I've gone through rigorous training over an extended period, many hours of practice, and consultation with a certified EMDR supervisor, to make sure it's the best and most effective treatment for the issue/s you want to work on. Just like psychotherapy – longer, deeper, talk therapy – is not right for every person or even every issue of the same person, the same holds true for EMDR.

If you experience symptoms such as panic, tingling hands or feet, anxiety, nausea, avoidance of places, smells, sounds, or people, or a sensation of not being present, ask me about EMDR and whether it might be helpful for you. Request your free consultation here.

Note: If you are involved in a lawsuit, or if you plan to be involved in a lawsuit, related to the original trauma, please contact your lawyer to determine whether it is advisable to keep your triggers intact until the legal issue is resolved.

How to celebrate Father’s Day when your father is undeserving

With Father's Day right around the corner, here is a repost of blog on how to manage the holiday with a, shall we say, less than loving father. Celebrating YOU!

~ Robin

We all have less than perfect parents. We, ourselves, are less than perfect parents. Maybe we are involved in our children’s education and attend all school and sporting events. We also get frustrated, exasperated, and act out. We yell too often, expect too much, or are inconsistent with rules and our child’s behavior. Less than perfect is good enough. Well-respected developmental theorist Donald Winnicott states that within a secure relationship, being a good enough mother (later changed to include fathers and other caregivers), one who is less than perfect, actually facilitates children’s learning independence, forgiveness, self-reliance, and an understanding of the dependability of love. Less than perfect does not equal undeserving of the title. In my mind, undeserving covers parents who rape or sexually assault their children, subject them to horror or horrific neglect or abuse, sell or give their (the children’s) bodies to others. I’m not talking about a parent who makes a mistake. I’m referring to parents who take pleasure in harming their children’s minds, souls, and bodies.

Father’s Day is coming and, as with many holidays, we are asked to celebrate someone, to thank them, to acknowledge their gifts of love, time, and care we received from them. We are enculturated to believe family is family, the bond is unbreakable, and we’re always there for one another. We grow up hearing we must respect our parents – they raised us after all. We owe them. However, the truth is some families don’t fit the description of a loving bonded unit. In some families the children aren’t or weren’t protected, loved, or cared for. What then? You’ve survived your childhood; must you now celebrate those whom you survived in spite of?

The short answer is NO. There are other, greatly deserving, loving people you can celebrate. There are other ways to get through days of obligatory adoration of individuals who are not present or ought not be celebrated. The first thing to do is make a plan. Make choices. Consciously choose. Otherwise, you may find yourself saddened, disappointed, and isolating. A better way is to make a plan.

• Choose who to celebrate The father in Father’s Day need not be your father. Is there a father figure you love, maybe an uncle or family friend who nurtured you? If you have children, their father can be celebrated. Do you have a father-in-law who treats you well? A brother with children? A friend’s father? What about you? As a mother, are you also the de facto father to your children? Are you a parent of a pet?

• Choose to honor yourself It’s also alright to simply honor yourself, your growth, and your existence in the world today. Honor the child you, growing into the woman you. Honor your strength, resiliency, and sassiness. Honor your grief, what wasn’t, what should have been. Sit with you, and the sadness that was or is, and the spark of hope that can be. But mostly honor you.

• Choose how to celebrate There are many ways to celebrate. Sending a card or flowers, having a meal together, or throwing a party are just a few. Spending time in nature, or a picnic on the living room floor, in the park, or at the beach. For those without young children, an evening of dinner and a movie or a club might be fun. It doesn’t matter what you do, so long as you plan to do something. If you are alone, that something can be a sappy movie and a big bowl of popcorn laying on your bed. The most important thing is to have a plan.

• Choose to revel and reflect that you celebrated in a way that is meaningful for you Try to spend some time praising your creativity and resourcefulness at managing a difficult holiday. Meditate on your survival abilities and inner spunk that got you where you are today. Find joy in something, anything that nurtures your spirit today. You made it! You’re the you you are today, because you made it. You are deserving of all that is good. And if you don’t believe it, and can’t possibly tell yourself that truth, find someone who believes it enough for both of you. A friend, sibling, or partner. Or seek out a therapist, to help you believe in you and find your joy.

And as always, I'm here. You can reach me in Issaquah at Balance InSight, 206-790-7270.

Thanks for reading, and be well. ~ Robin

Want to find the real you? The you before your trauma?

"We are affected by our past, but we are not prisoners of our pasts."   ~Robin Custer, MSW, LICSWA When we have trauma, whether from violence, car crashes, phobias, a death, relocation, foster families, alcoholism, loving parents who were just absent, we can feel stuck, mentally, at the age the trauma first occurred. While we can't go back and redo our childhoods, we CAN use tools help get unstuck. One simple technique you can do at home is to write with your right (or dominant) hand on one side of an open notebook. Write to your early you. Maybe you want to ask your young you what they needed but didn't get. Other examples are:

• Who helped you when you needed it at 4, or 5 or 6?

• What did you play with and where did you go that you wished you could do / go again?

• What did you need that I (your older you) can give you?

• Would it help if I held you close and took care of you now?

Then, using your left (or nondominant hand) let your thoughts flow freely onto the other page in the notebook. Let your little you answer back. You might get responses like:

• Auntie Jane tried to help me. I always loved Auntie Jane.

• I played cars in the back yard, far away from the sounds of fighting.

You get the idea. It's simple but perhaps not easy. Try this and let me know what you come up with robin@balanceinsight.com