Am I normal? 4 normal feelings for adults abused as children

Many adults who were abused as children have no sense of what normal is. What does normal feel like? Am I normal?

Here are just a few of the normal feelings you may have, in response to your neglect, mistreatment, sexual or physical abuse, or psychological abuse.

And, yes, you are normal.

Numbness

As a child, your brain did a wonderful job protecting you. There may have been times when what was happening to you was so crushing, your child brain couldn’t make sense of it.  In response to thoughts like, “this person hurting me is supposed to protect me! If my protector is hurting me, I will die!” your brain pushed it aside, blocked it out, partitioned it off, helped you act as if nothing abnormal was happening. This is a common adaptation and a good survival technique. It is thanks to your wonderful brain that you survived your childhood.

When thinking back about the abuse you may have no feelings about it at all. Or you may feel that it was no big deal, nothing at all. Or that you are nothing. This is still a normal protective way of adapting to something awful. And you are normal if you feel this numbness.

Note: Severe numbness in certain cases, can be a symptom of dissociation, and that’s another topic for another time. But you are still normal.

Anger

As a child you may have been angry often. This is a normal response to someone, anyone, making your life hell. You deserved safety, love, play, and you got a raw deal. Even if you didn’t yet know that your life was different from other kids’ you knew you were being hurt or threatened, and you knew you had to keep your guard up.

If you feel angry now, or get angry in response to seemingly small slights, this is normal and common for adults abused as children. And you are normal if you feel this anger.

Note: Sometimes anger can be a symptom of depression or anxiety, and that’s another topic for another time. But you are still normal.

Sadness

As a child, your miraculous little self had so much potential and possibility. You could grow up and be anything, do anything, or several anythings at once. And bit by bit this possibility was snatched away. If you were the family scapegoat you witnessed the difference between your siblings’ care and your own. Your losses are sad, and it’s normal to feel sad over loss.

Today, you may feel sad in general, or in response to any loss or missed opportunity. Your sadness may be bigger than you think it should be. A broken bird eggshell in your yard might mean a baby bird died and bring you immense grief. A story about a happy child may remind you of what could have been, or of what loss lies in store for the child in the story. You may find yourself crying for no reason at all. This is normal too.

Note: Sadness can also be a symptom of depression, and that’s another topic for another time. But you are still normal.

Fear

As a child, your caregivers had the ultimate power over your life, death, and happiness. It wasn’t safe to play, make noise, run, or be noticed, and your emotional and physical safety, and maybe your life, depended on your brain’s ability to pick up on tiny cues that might signal upcoming harm to you. Fear is the normal response. It let you prepare to flee or fight or hide inside yourself.

Now, you may be fearful of things others are not. Answering the phone or door, watching news, learning you’re sick, talking to coworkers, all can bring on heightened fear. You may describe yourself as afraid of the world. This is normal and you are normal for feeling it.

Note: Severe fear, in certain cases, can be a sign of anxiety, and that’s another topic for another time. But you are still normal.

One of the hardest things about growing up with abuse is not knowing what’s normal. There are many more feelings that are normal. And there is a huge range of what normal looks and feels like.

If you’re tired of wondering what’s normal, feeling like you're not normal, or you want help with your own numbness, anger, sadness, or fear (or dissociation, depression, or anxiety) call me for a free telephone consultation.

I’m here to help you feel better.

When feelings feel physical

 “It’s all in your head.”

“You need to get over it.”

 “Just ignore it and move on.”

How often do we say this to people who feel depressed or anxious?

Well, we’ve all heard of people heading for the Emergency Room with chest pain and learning it was a panic attack. This is because panic has a profoundly physical part of it that can make it hard to function. Imagine how hard would be to ignore severe chest pain. This is what’s being asked when folks tell people with anxiety and panic to just get over it. Many feelings and mental health disruptions can show up as physical health issues. Check with your doctor to rule out things like heart attacks, stomach ulcers, and brain or neurological problems, of course, but once those are ruled out, look for a mood or psychological issue (feelings or thoughts) that could be helped with counseling.

Imagine, or maybe you’ve already felt it, the amount of pain involved to send you to the hospital. All the parts of us are connected so it makes sense that depression, anxiety, and trauma can cause physical symptoms. If you get frequent stomach aches, headaches, or even just feel unwell or less healthy, this can be due to either a physical injury or illness, or a mental one.

Not sure about the connection between psychological and physical feelings? Try this little experiment: Bring something to mind that makes you feel angry – a memory, assumption, future meeting with someone. Sit with that thought or memory for a few minutes and notice if there’s a place in your body that feels pain or other physical sensations. For me, it’s my head. If I’m really angry my head sometimes aches. I know, most of us get headaches on occasion. I’m not saying they are always due to anger or other emotion - but sometimes mine are.

Now bring up a memory or future event that causes you fear. Where do you feel it in your body. Some people feel heavy limbs, stomach aches, or a sore throat.

Now try it with sadness, again sitting with the thought or memory for a few minutes. Pay attention to your body and where your sadness lives. Do you feel a heavy chest, a sharp stomach ache, something else?

And lastly, think of something or some time you felt joy. The kind of joy that has you jumping, clapping, and maybe even crying for its beauty. How does your body feel? Hollow? Full? Loose? My arms and legs get almost floaty, they become so light.

Bonus, you can try this with other positive feelings to help you improve your mood. Recall something terrific (calming, or safe, or happy), including sounds and smells. Keep it in your mind for more than a few minutes. It really works!

It seems that some pains may truly be in our head, but that’s not a bad thing. If you have unresolved pain, and your doctor can find nothing physically wrong, call me to talk about whether you might want more help. 

Related posts: Where do you hold stress, Mad as hell, Finding the right therapist (anywhere)

Does my kid have anxiety? (And if so, what can I do?)

If you have a child who cries often, is easily frustrated or sullen or angry, has trouble falling asleep or getting up, refuses to engage, or is obstinate, they may have anxiety.

They have outbursts over things that seem small, like a change in schedule or routine, being told no, or having to wait for something. Maybe you go to pick them up from soccer a few minutes late and they yell or cry. You ask them to clean their room and they yell (and show with a limp rag body) that they can’t.

They worry over small things their siblings or others their age wouldn’t, like a missed turn when driving them to school. They are hard on themselves and others, expecting – needing – perfection and predictability in grades, sports, relationships with peers.

They are old enough to tolerate time away from you but cling to home and the familiar. They may be afraid of what ifs that are extremely unlikely to occur (either they haven’t occurred before like a tsunami in Lake Sammamish or a lion walking down Gilman Boulevard, or if they have it was far away like Mt. St. Helens erupting).

These are some of the symptoms of childhood anxiety, which is the most common behavioral, emotional health issue in children and teens.

Whether or not your child has a true anxiety disorder, anxiety, worry, and fear can still hold them back from typical developmental and academic achievements and enjoying family and school.

Here are some ways to lessen your children’s anxiety. Bonus: they’ll help the whole family feel better and connect in fun and learning.

Talking

Not straight out talking about you, like “I’m worried about you,” because the fact that you are worried isn’t the thing, their need is the thing. You want your kid to allow you to see what’s going on without hiding it to keep from worrying you. You want them to be able to come to you, in words or actions, with their troubles and know that you can take it.

You can help. You are a problem solver and you can help. So, you can talk from a place of curiosity and love. Like, “I notice you stressing about school. Anything bugging you?” or “What’s up? Did you think I’d make you late for school when I turned early?”

For some kids, talking can be too intense. Yay for texting and instant messaging. Like talking in the car side by side for adults, texting or IM’ing are less directive or face to face and can make it easier to share and hear what’s shared. I know a woman – no not a client (what my clients tell me is strictly confidential except for danger, harm, and such) – whose son was having trouble and they instant messaged, sometimes from the same room of the house. They also wrote notes on yellow sticky tablets, responding back and forth.

Problems may not be easily solvable, or may need more thinking time, but the act of communicating with your anxious kid lets them know you’re there for them, in support of them, and loving them.

Mindfulness

This is the new thing everyone’s talking about, and it really can be fun and helpful. Listening to soothing music, walking in nature, relaxation techniques, and actual meditation are all forms of mindfulness.

I want to tell you about meditation here. It’s like a vacation for the mind. The easiest way to get started is with something called guided meditation. That’s where someone – a CD, a trusted person, or a counselor – walks them through “going” to a place that’s safe and soothing. Here’s the basic format if you want to do it for your child – if you are their trusted person.

Start comfortably seated in a quiet place. Direct your kid (and do it with them) to take a few long slow breaths, with exhales longer than inhales. Spend some time weaving a story with your kid as the main character, where they go to, spend time in, and then slowly leave their place – reminding them that it’s OK to leave since they can go back anytime they want to relax again.

Ask them to imagine walking to (I always start with them getting to the place rather than being in the place as a way to ease into it) their peaceful place. Ask them to notice sensory items, like the smell of grass or salt water, the sound of the breeze or crackling fire, the feel of fleece or warmth on their skin - depending on where their place is. The more they can feel it, the more relaxed they’ll get. You can ask them to sit, swing, fly, lay in a hammock, or whatever they like, while there.

Keep bringing in their senses. They’ll look around, listen, smell the air or objects there, and notice how light and joyful they feel (use words and senses you know work for them). Eventually, ask them to stand up (in their cozy place) and get ready to walk out the way they came. Again, bring up sights and sounds and such that they’d notice along the way. When they get back to where they started, ask them to look back and say goodbye, knowing they can return when they want peace and comfort; their place will always be there.

Tell them to notice sensory items in the actual room now, the feel of their weight on the sofa or chair, the scent of the dog in the room, or whatever you think of. And when they’re ready, they can slowly open their eyes and come back into the room. Ahhhhhh. Love doing this. They, and your other family members, might just ask you to do it again and again. I have some samples on my help page.

Movement

Movement helps with anxiety - as well as depression and other moods - in a couple of different ways. You’ve heard of runners’ high, right? That good feeling happens because endorphins and other chemicals in the brain are released upon strenuous activity. Exercise also helps us sleep better, which is healing and discussed further below. And anxiety can feel paralyzing but movement, even when it feels impossible to do, pushes that paralysis away. This can be as tiny a movement as walking to the kitchen for pretzels (see food below) or stretching out their back or legs on the living room carpet. Family dance parties get blood flowing and it’s fun to teach your kids the old moves and let them teach you the new stuff.

Food

I’d be neglectful if I didn’t talk about nutrition. We know that good food is the body’s fuel. If your kid is having trouble eating enough good food or is eating too much junk food, make a family goal to add more good stuff while eating less bad stuff. Easier said than done, I know. Some kids need to graze. So, before you say, “no more junk food” make sure to have less-junky food that’s tasty. Cookies can be healthier than candy, especially if you make them at home. Carrot sticks are not very tasty to a Snickers bar eater, but add a yummy dip and you’re increasing good food. A sweet juicy tangerine or banana dipped in almond butter don’t compare to French fries but eat them first and then there’s less stomach room for the fries. Sometimes getting kids involved in food preparation can make a difference. Plus, it gives them a way to have good stuff when you’re not able to prepare it.

Sleep

Sleep is the body’s way to repair and shore up itself. Routines go a long way here. Bed times; night time rituals of bathing, a drink of water, reading in bed, and screens off an hour before; and morning rituals of showers before breakfast, chatting over cocoa or tea, and sharing wishes and hopes for the day all help the body and mind anticipate sleeping and waking. Also, if your kid has trouble falling to sleep, a slice of peanut butter toast or handful of nuts or other protein can help, especially if it becomes part of the routine. Chocolate or anything with caffeine can make it hard to sleep, so try to hold off on these items after dinner.

A little bit more

A meditation book I like is called Sitting Still Like a Frog, by Eline Snell. It comes with a CD and is helpful for kids to about 12, and their families.

For older kids, I like The Anxiety Workbook for Teens: Activities to Help You Deal with Anxiety and Worry, by Lisa Schab. It’s got great activities for 12ish and older.

My help page. I have a couple of meditations and some activities to help with anxiety and other hard things.

Know that with support, they can feel better.

Counseling

If your kid has trouble with fear, worry, or anxiety, or other hard emotions, and you feel like you might need a little bit more help, I offer a free 15-minute telephone consultation to see if I am the right counselor for them. Call or email to schedule a consultation.

I’d love to hear about your experiences. Did you have or do you know someone who had anxiety as a kid? What was helpful for them or for you? I’m always looking for more ways to help and I’d love to add to my anxiety toolbox so thanks for sharing.

PS Did you know you can comment on this blog page with a different name to protect your privacy and the privacy of your child?

Fear of snakes in Issaquah - Or is it anxiety? Or is it panic?

Since the weather here in the Pacific Northwest is growing warmer and less rainy, my family and I spent parts of Memorial weekend doing yard work, mowing, weed whacking, moving potted trees and plants, and collecting rocks from the side yard that we can use to line the chicken coop fencing.

I happen to be in the process of learning to get comfortable around snakes, and knowing my son’s house is in a woodsy, meadowy area I wore my Keens – you know those sneakers with the holes in them. Great, right? Great until I started picking up the stones and playing through in my mind what might happen if a snake came out from under them, and slithered toward me. Suddenly I realized that while the toes and sides of my shoes gave more protection than my flip flops would, the holes meant that snakes could slither right on up and in.

There’s fear, there’s anxiety, and there’s panic – and mild to moderate to extreme versions of all three of those. My feelings here seem to fit into the moderate fear to mild anxiety categories. If you startle when a snake crosses your path, that’s mild fear. No hyperventilating, and no nightmares later on about snakes chasing you. Fear might make you remember which kinds of snakes you’d see in Issaquah or Eastside might be venomous – the Western Rattlesnake is only east of the Cascades. Fear might make you plan. If you have fear, it definitely gets in the way of things, like hiking or feeling at ease, but it doesn’t traumatize you, give you stomach aches, immobilize you, or feel debilitating. Fear makes you plan.

Anxiety might cause you to wear boots, very tall boots. Even though you know snakes hibernate in winter you might avoid meadow areas or at least scan your path, noticing sticks and twigs, movement that might look like they could maybe possibly be a snake. You might wear gloves to work in the yard, or you might not work in the yard at all. You wouldn’t be likely to live in a house with rocky outcroppings or meadows. And if you did, you might replace it with a lawn and no place for snakes to hide. On vacations, you’d probably not tent camp and you’d likely steer clear of hiking or geocaching, unless it’s in snow. You might visit the Cougar Mountain Zoo (they have no snakes) but you might skip the Woodland Park Zoo. Or if you went, you’d avoid the python exhibit. Anxiety makes you avoid.

Full blown panic would keep you inside, period. You could go into flight, fight, or freeze mode if you saw a photo in a magazine. You might cry inconsolably, feel faint or nauseous, see snakes in every cord on the floor. Panic causes you to carefully plan where you’ll go, what you’ll wear, who you’ll trust. You can’t even stand to hear about snakes or you’ll have night terrors and have trouble getting movies of slithering sliminess out of your head. Panic makes you feel sick.

There’s nothing bad, broken, or weird about you - or any of us - for having fear, anxiety, or panic about anything in life. It’s just that living is more fun, varied, interesting, and full, if we aren’t physically sick with panic. We have fewer limits on what we can do or see if we don’t need to stay inside where it’s predictably (hopefully) safe. When you feel at ease in your environment, the world is truly at your fingertips.

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing Therapy (EMDR) can help you get rid of that sick feeling and keep it from coming back. It helps with all kinds of feelings and memories and is particularly helpful with anxiety and panic. I'll post more about long term remedies for fear, anxiety, and panic in the future, but for now try this help if you want to feel better in the moment. And if you'd like to talk in person about easing fear, anxiety, or panic call me to schedule a phone consultation to see how counseling can help.

What do you get fear, anxiety, or panic about? Comment below and I’ll reply. And please share this with anyone you think it might help. Feelings don't need to be debilitating.

As always, thanks for reading.

How to manage change (with less anxiety)

We are creatures of habit. We have our comfort zone established and even extroverts want that space to return to. So change is understandably hard for most of us, often causing stress or anxiety. I recently moved to a new city, both my family and my counseling practice. Along the way, I learned some things I want to remember, to help me with the next change. Maybe they’ll help you too.

Plan

The biggest piece for me, and the most exciting actually, is the planning. I’m a planner. I love to plan. I love to learn all about the change, in my case the new town I’d be moving to and the new town I’d be working in. I’m in my Zen when I’m planning. I like the Internet so I look online at community pages, city government pages, shopping mall pages. I visit the towns to get local newspapers. I read the help wanted ads, events pages, and grocery store sale pages so I could get a sense of the environment. I look at local schools and read their blog posts to sense how staff relates to each other and children.

As an introvert, I’m not as good at asking others for information but when I do, it’s really helpful. I like to visit the local library, community center, farmer’s market, or church in the new neighborhood and listen to the conversations and vibrations. You can ask people you see what they like about being there. What they wish were different. Also ask around and see if any of your current friends have been to the new town. Take a hike or walk through the neighborhoods and chat with people you meet. The act of walking can lessen stress and increase excitement about the move too.

My next step is setting things up. You can visit the schools and walk through their neighborhoods, maybe talk to the secretary and parents, and then apply to the school that fits your kids best. If the move is easily drivable and you have a religious affiliation, you might start attending church or synagogue in the new town. This will help you have friends by the time you actually move. If you have pets, you may also want to seek out a new veterinary office, walk in and read their bulletin boards, look for cleanliness as well as the kind of environment you feel comfortable in.

When I have plans - even though I know they’ll likely need adjusting - I feel more settled, less anxious, and able to cope with change.

Execute

Now follow the plans you made above, as much as you can.

For changes go as smoothly as possible, as well as dealing with glitches in plans, it helps me to pay attention to my mind and body health. Keep your routines as regular and simple as possible. As much as possible, make sure you eat at your normal times, foods you typically eat, and even add in a few healthy extras like salads, apples with peanut butter, and extra water. If you are a regular meditator, don’t let that slide. If you’re short on time and can’t meditate for long durations, at least try for short meditations at your regular time. The same is true for exercise and fun: if you need to keep them of short duration, so be it, but try not to skip altogether. If you jog, jogging a shorter route is better than not at all. If you have game nights with the kids, but the hour is getting late, play quicker games like twister – a good way to add movement, fun, and reconnection. Moods are important and keeping rituals helps keep our moods healthy and light.

I also try to keep important rituals such as bedtimes, homework, and screen time. Although I may need it more, I try not to add too much mindless TV or other screens. If you have date nights, you’ll need that together time to keep each other strong. The same with family outings and holidays. It’s fine to cut things shorter or simplify them, but eliminating them can make you feel “off” or separate or like something’s missing. At Christmas, go for a small movable tree rather than none at all. During camping season, take a weekend instead of a week, at a closer spot.

You can also add new rituals if you like. It’s alright for plans to be altered, but try to keep the pieces that are most important to you and your family. In fact, one of your new rituals could be family meetings to talk about what’s important to each family member.  And if you’ve taken drives to explore the schools, neighborhoods, and parks, you could keep up the drives, adding a stop for ice cream or singing on the road. This makes a positive addition for your family that came about due to the change. However difficult the change, you’ll have this new ritual as a bonus memory to carry forward.

Another key is relying on others where you can. Who do you have that could bring you dinner while you pack? Who could host a play date for the kids while you spend time on the internet planning? Who has moved before, or faced other big changes, that can talk you through the feelings that come up when we’re subject to changes? And if you feel like you don’t have family or friends for these or other things, ask the family and friends you do have if they have ideas of who could help. If not them, then who?

When I keep my rituals, and have the support of others I can roll with change much more easily.

Let it go

After planning and executing, is letting go. This is more mental than activity based, but activities can help you let things go too. Try to remember you have made it through 100% of the changes you have made in your life. You have a 100% success rate. This is an awesome record!

Expect glitches. Things aren’t likely to go exactly as planned. Something will break, a scheduled task will be forgotten, someone will cry or yell. But that’s a normal part of growth, and how you react to it can set you at ease or complicate things. If you don’t know it, learn Elsa’s song from Frozen and sing it loud while swooping and dancing around the room. The movement and breathing required to sing will ease your stress level and be fun for your kids to watch or join. They’ll like you silly.

Remember “no do-overs” is just a schoolyard slogan. If something doesn’t work the way you want – the church is too stuffy, the moving truck isn’t big enough, or the office isn’t as you hoped – you can redo, as often as you like. Find a new church, call another truck company, or find a better office.

That’s a perk of adulting: you get do-overs.

Reflect

Reflecting is a great way to keep what works and toss what doesn’t. Since change is inevitable, and will happen again, reflecting on this move will help future moves go more smoothly. So even if this move was anxiety provoking, the next will be less so.

I like to take time to journal – no I’m not great at consistency. But journaling what went well or gratitude about the move, is a good place to start. In fact, I’ve recently switched to listing “done well’s” instead of “to-do’s” in several areas of my life and the feeling of success I get is huge! Try to add a bit, in thought or on paper, or in conversation with your family, about what you wished could have been different or better. Keep this knowledge for next time!

And lastly, reflect on how your beliefs about yourself changed throughout this move. When all is done, do you feel more capable? What can you add into your life to increase those feelings over time. Less capable? Time for changes to increase your esteem. Did your stress level, behaviors, parenting, or relating to others change? If these things feel better than before the move or change, what else can you do to keep those great beliefs and feelings? If worse, how can you release them and increase your self-regard and strength?

As always, thanks for reading. I hope this is helpful when you feel anxious about change. If you live in the Snoqualmie Valley and want more help with change, stress, or anxiety call me to schedule a free telephone consultation to see if you might need one on one support.

Is it Stress or Anxiety? And what can you do?

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Stress and anxiety have lots of similarities. Both can keep you up at night. Both can cause headaches, stomach aches, and other body sensations. Both can make you lose your appetite or plow through all the comfort food in your kitchen. Both can make you quick to anger, yell at your kids, or long to veg out in front of the TV or your Facebook news feed.

So, what’s the difference between stress and anxiety?

The biggest difference is that stress is a response to something happening now or in the future. It can be something you might think of as good, like a new job, moving into your dream house, marriage, vacation, or childbirth. It can also come from things we think are negative like like money issues, illness, layoff or firing, death, divorce. It can last for some time, but generally gets better once the stressor is gone – when you’ve been at the new job long enough to know your role and tasks, or when you get to your vacation spot and settle in, or when the divorce is final and you find yourself feeling relieved.

And why does it matter?

It matters because stress is more temporary and there are many things you can do to help. Anxiety lingers long after the stressful event is over and causes more disruption to health, outlook, and life (more on that in another blog post).

Here are some common symptoms of stress to add to those above:

• Worries and fear about current or future events or possibilities

• Feeling agitated or restless

• Easily tired

• Having muscle tension, especially in the neck and shoulders

• Irritable or angry outbursts without cause

• Difficulty concentrating or making decisions

• Spinning thoughts that are hard to turn off

• Trouble getting to or staying asleep

None of these is easy but you can learn to manage your symptoms of stress.

You can meditate and focus on rhythmic breathing, exercise to loosen tight muscles, sing an upbeat song, loudly and while dancing around, call a friend to vent or share, talk to your pets. You can read something absorbing or funny, take a bath with candles and music, or go for a walk out in nature.

If none of these ideas work, your feelings and symptoms haven’t lessened over time, and the event is long past, you might have anxiety instead of stress. If you think you need more help than these suggestions, or think it’s too big to manage alone, seek a counselor who can help you.

You deserve, we all deserve, to feel peace and contentment.

What do you do to relieve stress? I’d love to hear your solutions. Post your ideas below or email me at robin@balanceinsight.com and let me know if I can include them in another blog.

Thanks for reading.

Your ideal holiday – You CAN have it and here's how!

Most of us are prone to high – if unrealistic – expectations and stress around the holiday season or about events on the specific holidays we celebrate. If you are someone who fits into this group with me, you might also worry your holiday might be disappointing or painful. Do you know what you are hoping for? Specifically?

It’s likely some aspects of your dream holiday are quite possible, but how will you know when they’ve come true? It’s simple:

Define your day. Make it so. Let it go.

Start by imagining your perfect day of the season. Perhaps it’s a day of self-care: healthy foods and meditation, followed by shopping and a meal with friends, dinner at home, and slippers and tea at night.

Perhaps it’s Christmas day: French toast and juice, stockings, travel to the in-laws’, a hearty meal, and kids sleeping in the car on the way home.

Define your day: If you can imagine it, you can make it (or at least key components of it) so.

Imagine: Close your eyes and breathe calmly for a few minutes. Next, imagine how your day begins, using all your senses. Is the house cool or warm when you awaken? Are you making coffee? What does that smell like? Any sounds? The spoon scraping the bowl of your oatmeal? The music in the background? What happens next? And then what? See yourself going through your ideal day, chronologically as you would in real life. Take your time and involve all your senses as much as possible. This can take five minutes or 105 minutes. There is no “correct” way of doing it and there is no “correct” amount of time.

Or

If you can’t “see” it, maybe you can sketch it. Roughly - or with precision, your choice – sketch out the main parts of your ideal day. You can draw a chronological series of events, the way graphic novels are drawn. Maybe your dog is waking you in the morning. Sketch that.  Is it snowing when you get up? Draw that.

Or

If speaking is more your thing, try a speech to text app on your phone or computer. Or just record your thoughts and ideas about your ideal holiday and how it plays out, to listen to it later. Again, involve all your senses in your description.

Pay attention to how you feel physically and emotionally, in your body and your heart. You will notice pieces that make you feel warm, perhaps smiling while thinking. That’s a cue to you that it’s an important component of your ideal holiday and something to manifest in reality.

Make it so: Include important pieces of what you imagined.

Something that makes me feel a sense of peace is thinking about taking a drive to see Christmas lights in people’s yards. So this would be a component I want to make sure to include when I plan my holiday events. It’s within my power to make this happen = good choice.

Something else that’s part of my ideal day is opening the doors of an advent calendar with my husband. This is also in my control, and I know I need to buy or make an advent calendar before December 1st.

If you find satisfaction telling your children the story of their first holiday or hosting wrapping or baking parties. What can you do, that is in your power, to make this happen?

Let it go: Leave out pieces beyond your control.

Let go of tasks and events that don’t bring you joy, don’t create joy for others, are more work than the potential joy they may deliver, or that just don’t fit in your ideal day. If that means spending a holiday away from family, read “Alone for the holidays,” for help managing and celebrating that.

Let others off the hook. You cannot control them. You can’t change their actions or moods. If you need something from them, and it’s part of your ideal day, you can ask them. But remember, their ideal day is probably not the same as yours.

Following the guidelines above, you can have a holiday closer to your dreams.

Define your day. Make it so. Let it go.

 If your emotions feel too deep or too big, and you think you might want support during this holiday season, contact a therapist who can help you work them through.

What’s your ideal holiday day like? I’d love to hear. Post below and I’ll reply.

And, as always, I'm here. You can reach me in Seattle at Balance InSight, 206-790-7270.

Thanks for reading, and be well. ~ Robin

Where do you hold stress?

Is it in your belly? Your head? Your neck and shoulders?

I tend to hold stress and tension in my belly – almost like a punched muscle.

When you’re stressed you might notice you hunch your shoulders up toward your ears, giving you pain in your neck or upper back.

You might tighten your jaw, grind your teeth, or feel weepy.

The most important thing is that you notice. If you don’t know you are stressed, it’s hard to release it.

Try the activity below – Progressive Muscle Relaxation - to notice and release any stress held in your body. For best results, please:

• Keep exhales longer than inhales, slow and deep
• Scanning is nothing more than going inward and noticing
• When you get to tensing and releasing, repeat each area or muscle group 2 or 3 times.
• Take cleansing breaths after each muscle group, before moving to the next.
• Read it through once and then try it from memory – aim for feeling better, not following steps to perfection.

If you’d rather hear this instead of reading, download Stress Release Progressive Muscle Relaxation.

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Here we go:

1. Get comfortably seated.
   Sit in a comfortable chair, feet resting gently on the floor.
   Sit up straight without rigidity and take a few slow deep breaths, with exhales longer than inhales.
2. When you’re ready, scan your body slowly.
   Close your eyes slightly, so your lids are just touching.
   Starting at the top of your head and moving slowly and methodically down to your feet, just notice how your body feels.
   Do you notice any areas of pain, prickling, cold, heat? Pressure, constriction, or anything at all?
3. Now pause your scanning and take a few deep breaths again. In and out, with exhales longer than inhales.
4. Next, tense and release muscles, slowly and methodically working feet to head, and breathing slowly throughout, with deep cleansing breaths after each area of your body.
5. Beginning with your feet, scrunch them up, toes either splayed out or curled in, ankles rigid and tight.
6. And release, relax, and visualize warm limp muscles. Repeat at least one more time – tensing and clenching, then releasing.
7. Deep cleansing breaths - again with long exhales.
8. Now, moving up - calves and shins, knees, thighs and glutes. Slowly and with intention, one muscle group or body area at a time, tensing and then releasing, at least two times.
9. Breathing warmth and love in, and pressure, stress, and tension out.
10. Moving up, to your belly and chest, lower back, spine, and upper back.
11. Cleansing breaths and then repeat again.
12. Now shoulders and arms, elbows, wrists, and hands. Repeat each area, with calm breaths in between.
13. Work up to your neck, jaw, forehead, and crown, breathing deeply between each area of your body – repeating again, each area.
14. With your eyes still gently closed, notice the ground under your feet, your back against the chair, and the sounds in the room. Come peacefully back to awareness of your surroundings and open your eyes when you’re ready.

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If you try this exercise daily - a few days in a row, you’ll start to feel like jello or floaty air when you just think of doing it. If you haven’t the time, just try it whenever you like. Once again, if you’d rather listen instead, download the audio file.

And, as always, I'm here.

If you need more than a relaxation activity, email me to schedule a free telephone consultation, where we can talk about how to reduce stress. You can also reach me in my West Seattle counseling office at Balance InSight, 206-790-7270.

Your turn: where do you hold stress? Post below; I'd love to know.

The Impermanence of Both Sides of the Pain/Joy Coin

I recently returned from a silent meditation retreat – a place of painful and joyous insights. It was held in a peaceful place, in the middle of nowhere, amidst deer and wolves, caterpillars and snakes. In an effort to force myself to get up and stay up for early morning 4:30 am meditation, I volunteered to ring the morning gong each day.

I set my travel alarm for 3:50 and dressed silently by the light of the little wooden lamp, wrapping scarves around my neck and head – it’s cold in the dark in the woods. My job was to walk outside under the awnings around the women’s dorms, hitting the wooden mallet on the heavy – brass, I think – gong, making it spin and sending vibrations of sound in all directions signaling 4 am wakeup and 4:20 “get yourself to the meditation hall,” for women meditation students.

By 4:30, I was wide awake for morning meditation and took my assigned cushioned spot in the meditation hall. Seated in silence, unmoving, scanning my body for vibrations, my feet would go to sleep. The tingling turned to electric shocks as I worked to notice the sensation, wonder about it, without judgement, and then move on to each area of my body, piece by piece. Working my way up, my back screamed in silence. Notice, wonder, no craving, no aversion, anicca, anicca, anicca* – the law of impermanence.

Meditation continued, alternating with meals and breaks, until 9:30 at night, for ten difficult and wondrous days.

During meals and breaks, I thought. In my head without distraction can be a scary place to live, and so I tried to notice, wonder, and practice anicca with my thoughts. I had painful thoughts of childhood traumas, joyous thoughts of future life plans, and tender fearful thoughts of the impending loss of my dear friend, his third bout with cancer, third type, ever growing. And I cried. Often. In silence. Walking the mowed paths in the meadow and looking out at deer during teatime. Why did he do that? I got this! Why must she go and leave all her children?

I made decisions, changed decisions, and meditated on it.

I must confront my father for his sins against me; I must not confront my father, he can hurt me in other ways now; I am not a traumatized child anymore and my existence no longer depends on the whims of my father.

I must continue my agency job healing moods and personalities; I must leave my job to support myself; I will continue my work, my life's mission, in my own office.

My friend will die; my friend might live with this treatment and that intervention; my friend’s body is dying and I will hold his family in my heart and his soul in my hands.

And then, I meditated some more.

The last night of the retreat was a buffer between the isolation and noble silence of meditation and the hustle bustle noise of the outside world. Talking was allowed everywhere except in the meditation hall. I stayed up late in deep discussion with other women I felt silently bonded to. And then the pain/joy coin hit me in my gut: life is pain and life is joy. Physical aching electrical pain and horror-invoking mental pain and the heart ripping pain of grief. Subtle pinpoint vibration joy and emancipating courageous “I got away” joy and hopeful life without end joy.

And now, I meditate some more.

*Anicca is pronounced uh-nee-cha, and means impermanence in Pali. The law of impermanence says that pain and suffering, like joy and happiness, are impermanent.

If you've experienced grief, loss, trauma, or pain, you can feel better. I'm here. You can call me to schedule a consultation, where we'll talk a bit, give you some hope, and see if maybe you want a little more help.