Why am I so angry?!?!

Irritation, frustration, and anger are normal emotions - neither positive or negative. Anger is likely one of two things: a messenger or a symptom.

Getting over getting stuck

Do you ever get working on a project or idea or maybe a complex set of tasks, and it’s so perfect for you that you whiz along, adding more, going off on side tangents to make it better, cleaner, more interesting, useful, or needed? The options are endless. And then, seemingly out of nowhere, you start to feel like you just need to hold your head in your hands and make it all go away?

You might have just sped into feeling stuck.

When it happens to me, sometimes I think I’ll just work right through, ignoring my sense of overwhelm (as if I could), and somehow get back on track. But then I just end up feeling worse. I figure it must be a common thing because there are so many metaphors for it: treading water, spinning my wheels, swimming through mud, flailing about, running in circles, getting nowhere fast. Notice each metaphor is about fast movement going nowhere. That’s exactly what it feels like.

Overwhelm feels like running in circles: Lots of action but no progress.

In my case, to break out of overwhelm, I need to stop everything. Fewer options are better. I need two things to choose from, and no more. I start with my physical sensations and ask myself: What do I need first, to drink water or breathe? And that’s it. Yes music might relax me and meditation might zen me out. But I need just two options for now. I choose water. Cold water shifts something in me more than focusing on my breathing. Maybe it shifts something in you too. No ice, no lemon, no heating for tea, just cold tap water for me.

Pick from two options

For you it might be needing to move your body physically, or smelling lavender or lemon. Anything that gives your mind a break is the right thing for you.

• Walking the dog

• Jumping jacks

• Singing or dancing

• Eating something crunchy like celery dunked in peanut butter

• Even watching a kitten video

This is usually enough to break the spell, giving space before figuring out where to go next.

Back to the larger project (no looking at tangents at this point) or a bigger, more impactful break? Again, just two options. If I’m still feeling stuck and overwhelmed I try really hard to accept that and give myself what I need. I can close my eyes and just check in with my emotions, physical sensations, and try to notice what my body and mind are trying to tell me.

Messengers

Do I feel tightness anywhere? Frustration or dis-ease?

A friend once told me that emotions are just messengers trying to get us to pay attention to something we need. I believe it.

If I truly feel relieved after my break, I’ll go back to the project. But I try to remember we are, each of us, the only person who knows what’s going on with our own body and our own emotions. We need check in periodically, to give ourselves permission to do something else if the feeling of overwhelm comes back, and to continue on when we’re ready.

Like walking a stone path

Back to the project or idea or task, you can look at it with fresh eyes. Mapping it out, making an outline or sketch, or listing components can help. That makes a visible path, without tangents, and also helps make the project more concrete and less abstract in your mind. There’s time later, there’s always time, to revise the plan. But getting it out on paper feels like forward movement. It’s progress. And when you have forward movement, overwhelm turns to satisfaction and a sense of accomplishment.

What do you do when you feel overwhelmed or stuck? Post below or email me at robin@balanceinsight.com

Thanks for reading.

Is it Stress or Anxiety? And what can you do?

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Stress and anxiety have lots of similarities. Both can keep you up at night. Both can cause headaches, stomach aches, and other body sensations. Both can make you lose your appetite or plow through all the comfort food in your kitchen. Both can make you quick to anger, yell at your kids, or long to veg out in front of the TV or your Facebook news feed.

So, what’s the difference between stress and anxiety?

The biggest difference is that stress is a response to something happening now or in the future. It can be something you might think of as good, like a new job, moving into your dream house, marriage, vacation, or childbirth. It can also come from things we think are negative like like money issues, illness, layoff or firing, death, divorce. It can last for some time, but generally gets better once the stressor is gone – when you’ve been at the new job long enough to know your role and tasks, or when you get to your vacation spot and settle in, or when the divorce is final and you find yourself feeling relieved.

And why does it matter?

It matters because stress is more temporary and there are many things you can do to help. Anxiety lingers long after the stressful event is over and causes more disruption to health, outlook, and life (more on that in another blog post).

Here are some common symptoms of stress to add to those above:

• Worries and fear about current or future events or possibilities

• Feeling agitated or restless

• Easily tired

• Having muscle tension, especially in the neck and shoulders

• Irritable or angry outbursts without cause

• Difficulty concentrating or making decisions

• Spinning thoughts that are hard to turn off

• Trouble getting to or staying asleep

None of these is easy but you can learn to manage your symptoms of stress.

You can meditate and focus on rhythmic breathing, exercise to loosen tight muscles, sing an upbeat song, loudly and while dancing around, call a friend to vent or share, talk to your pets. You can read something absorbing or funny, take a bath with candles and music, or go for a walk out in nature.

If none of these ideas work, your feelings and symptoms haven’t lessened over time, and the event is long past, you might have anxiety instead of stress. If you think you need more help than these suggestions, or think it’s too big to manage alone, seek a counselor who can help you.

You deserve, we all deserve, to feel peace and contentment.

What do you do to relieve stress? I’d love to hear your solutions. Post your ideas below or email me at robin@balanceinsight.com and let me know if I can include them in another blog.

Thanks for reading.

How to get the most out of counseling - 5 ways

Let’s start by telling the truth: counseling is a large investment of your time and money. Living in the Issaquah area is expensive enough and commuting to work is long enough – no need to throw away time and money. And by the time you start counseling, you’ve probably been suffering long enough that you’re really ready for things to be better. Since your time and money are being spent, here are some ways to make sure to get the most out of it.

1. Make sure you connect

Do your homework when picking a counselor. Ask people you trust, like friends, family, doctors, for names of counselors they know and trust. Look online. As you read counselors’ web sites and blog posts, watch their videos, you’ll begin to get a sense of them. When you’re ready, contact a few counselors and ask for a consultation. During the consultation, you’ll learn more about how they work and they’ll learn about you. Both you and the counselors will be able to tell if you are a good fit for one another.

In sessions, pay attention to whether and how well you connect. Keep an eye out for how well the counselor seems to “get you.” Are they empathetic, can you get to know them enough to feel like you have some things in common or that they are a bit like you? Does the counselor seem to pay attention to you?

2. Come regularly.

Just like with exercising at the same consistent time of day, you will start to become accustomed to a certain day of the week being yours to share, get care, learn, grow, and heal. You can look forward to it. If you miss weeks in between, sessions are spent catching up instead If you start and end on time, you’ll get your full time. Especially if your counselor is using a method that has a bit of a plan to it, like EMDR, there is a lead in, work, and an easing out. When sessions are cut short, the needed parts might not happen, or might not give the full effect or benefit.

3. Do your homework.

If you have homework, try your best to do it. If you’ve said yes to accepting it, you’re saying yes to saving some money and time – it’s not being completed in session, but reviewed and digested in session. If you don’t want homework, it’s OK to say that (see below – telling your counselor if something’s not working. If you don’t have time or would rather keep counseling in the counseling office – not that I’m recommending that (trying things out, practicing, at home is a great way to progress) – just say so.

4. Share even if you’re scared

It can be scary sharing intimate details with someone. That’s why it’s so important to find a counselor you connect with and can trust. But the more you can tell them about yourself and your history and your needs, the better able they are to incorporate those things into the therapy and help you process them and heal.

And 5. Tell your counselor if something’s not working.

Counselors are human beings. Just like you, we have grief, moves, children, hobbies, demeanors, etc. If something we’re doing isn’t working for you, you’re paying in money and time without benefit. Please please tell your counselor if you need them to hold you accountable, not push you so hard, change your schedule, work on different goals, or if you’re just having a day when you need to just “be” and not work on anything. We all need those days. I’m of the opinion that you know you best. I know human nature and development, psychology, family systems, and counseling but you know you.

So now I put it to you.

Pick one of these things to start with. And try it out with your counselor. If you want, you can even tell them I said to. Then post below or email me at robin@balanceinsight.com with how it went. Thanks for reading.

Finding the Right Therapist (Anywhere)

Seattle is a lovely vibrant city, with the requisite attractions like the Space Needle, Pike Place Market, and the Troll under the bridge. It’s also very hustle bustle and, some say, is known for a phenomenon called the Seattle Freeze. The Seattle Freeze is a belief that Seattleites are closed to newcomers; it’s difficult to make friends and get close to people here. If you experience loneliness, isolation, or sadness, you may benefit from working with a counselor in Seattle. Seattle has many counselors, psychotherapists, and life coaches, each with different fields of expertise. You could search on Google or ask your doctor or a friend for a recommendation. All of these are useful ways to locate a counselor that might fit your needs. Now what?The next step is scheduling a consultation with a therapist you’re interested in working with.

The consultation is often via phone conversation, although some therapists prefer to meet in person. You can expect to tell a bit about yourself. What motivated you to seek counseling now, have you ever had therapy before, why, and how did it help? What are you seeking help with? What would you like to be different to improve your situation? Have you experienced this issue before and how did you resolve it? What would you like your life to look like in 3, 6, 12 months? This helps the counselor and you envision possible therapy goals.

Then the counselor will explain a bit about how therapy works; discuss frequency of sessions for continuity of care. She’ll describe the process of setting long-term goals and short-term objectives, and explain the process for checking outcomes. Outcomes show progress, what’s working, and what might need to be changed up. Therapists generally check outcomes quarterly, to make sure the progress is flowing along the way you want it to.

She may talk with you about benefits and drawbacks to a diagnosis and possible therapeutic methods shown to benefit specific issues, like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy’s help for depression, motivational interviewing’s help for addictions, and Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing Therapy’s benefit for anxiety, trauma, and phobias.

At this point, you both get to check in with yourselves and see how you think you’d feel working together. Does she listen more than she talks? Do you feel heard and understood? Do you have confidence that she can help? Do you feel like you can connect with her? If the answer to these questions is no, it may be time to seek another counselor.

If you can answer these questions with a confident yes, you can assume this is the therapist for you. At this time in the consultation, one of you, usually the therapist, brings up the topic of money. If you don’t connect, or this therapist specializes in other areas than your issue, it doesn’t matter if the fee is $20 a session. $20 a session gets very expensive when it goes on for years and years.

The therapist then tells you her fee, whether and which insurance she takes, when payment is due, and how/if you can be reimbursed. If your insurance pays out of network, you would likely pay for sessions and your insurance will reimburse you, minus your copay. If you participate in your employer’s flex care spending plan for medical costs, it will likely reimburse you for all therapy expenses, although you need to check your plan.

If all goes as you wish, you two will schedule your first session. You can relax; you already know you’ve got the right therapist for you. Now you can dig right in and start feeling better. And as always, I'm here. You can reach me in Seattle at Balance InSight, 206-790-7270.

Thanks for reading, and be well.

~ Robin