How far do you want to go (grow)?

It's pretty hard, maybe even impossible, to go where you want to go right now.

You want to keep away from Covid-spreading events, keep your distance, and heck many of us barely leave the house. We have groceries delivered, we work online, and we even attend doctor appointments online. There is very little that leads us to leave our homes.

That said, there are things you can do to go and grow. Imagine you are somewhere cozy or exciting. In nature or on the road.

Where will you be?

Some people wear masks while hiking or biking, but in the Pacific Northwest winter is just now ending so unless you’re a hardcore sportswoman, the snow, rain, and freezing temperatures might have prevented this in the recent past. But now the crocuses are blooming! Spring is nearing. And walks, hikes, and rides are much more possible.

Some people go for drives. Pack up some snacks and a mug of coffee or kombucha and head toward the coast, the hills, or Snoqualmie Falls. It can be quite soothing to get a change of scenery.

Some of us get lost in faraway books on audible, going to old Chicago’s World’s Fair in The Devil in the White City or traveling old Asia Minor, Detroit, and San Francisco in Middlesex.

And some people take to the road in RVs like Camille and Bryce, Kelly Beasley, or Gary and Stacey in RV Nomads on YouTube, or Robin Barrett who wrote Be a Nomad Change Your Life, or like me. I travel the country, safely viewing the Grand Canyon in a mask away from other people, camping in Yellowstone with bison bumping my motorhome, and cruising along the Trail of the Ancients in Utah.

It’s not the same as freely wearing no mask and going anywhere you like, for a breath of fresh air, visiting friends, sitting in a pub or fine restaurant. But it brings me a sense of resilience and health and confidence.

How far will you go?

How far do you want to grow?

I provide EMDR and therapy to my Washington clients online from my camper, helping them work through their traumas, anxiety, anger, and distress to build their resilience and see their true, unbroken, growing selves.

Contact me for a free consultation, where we can see if I’m the right fit for you, and give you some tips to get you feeling whole again.

Your perfect anger

If you grew up like me at all, a little girl of the 60s, you were taught to be nice, kind, polite, and to follow the rules. Nobody taught us it was ok to get angry. And certainly, nobody taught us how to do anger. I cry when I’m angry. Which sometimes leads to the object of my anger assuming I’m sad, trying to comfort me, leading me to feel more anger. Yep, I wasn’t taught how to do anger either. I’m still learning. Some of us yell, throw plates, isolate, or shut down. So long as we aren’t harming anyone, our actions aren’t necessarily bad.

Anger is just an emotion, like happiness. It comes from the same place as happiness. But we've been taught it's a bad emotion or a negative feeling. The truth is, it's neither bad nor good. But it can be there to let you know that something needs your attention. Whether it's sleep, conversations, surroundings, boundaries, or something else - something needs your attention.

And it's important to listen to your anger, try to figure out what's making you angry, and tend to it the best you can. You're not a bitch, or too bossy, or uncaring, or any of those other terms used for women who lead, hold boundaries, or take charge of what you need to.

You are the perfect you, even when you're angry. You are still the perfect you.

Robin Custer, Washington LICSW

Alone for the holidays? Then this is for you

Whether this is your first holiday alone, or your twentieth, it’s likely you will experience uncomfortable feelings, especially if you attempt to follow the same traditions and typical activities as you celebrated with others.

Your feelings depend on your why

If the reason for your solitude has to do with estrangement or death, you might be left with a profound sense of loss and isolation. What could have been can never be again. Know that your feelings are completely normal – whatever they are: grief, anger, loss, or other.

If holidays with others are generally energy zapping because you are highly sensitive person or introverted, you might feel a mixture relief and sadness. You may feel relieved you won’t be around groups of people, and you may experience sadness at missing people anyway. You may even have anger at yourself or others that you feel somehow “different.” Again, these feelings and any others, are normal and to be expected.

Even if you are separated from others during the holidays for a positive reason – such as a new baby or a long awaited move to a dream location – you will still experience some feelings you may not expect, such as boredom or disappointment, if your days are normally filled with group activities.

Your feelings are normal and ok

If you find any “shoulds” popping up, they only exacerbate the problem. For example: If you think you should be over your partner’s death by now, you have to deal with the feelings of loss that you have, plus believing you are somehow bad or wrong for having the feelings. Emotions are easier to manage and work through if they are welcomed or at least accepted as normal.

Read on for some possible – no shoulds here – ways to pass the time, survive and thrive, and/or absorb some holiday joy.

Plan new activities you can do alone or with others

These can be holiday related, or not – whatever your feeds your soul. You might enjoy visiting a house of worship - church, synagogue, temple, mosque, or pagoda - whether or not you are a member. Simply call ahead to find a good fit, openness to your presence there, and a schedule for events and hours. The sense that you are part something bigger than yourself can inspire pure awe. Or you might find pleasure in television season binging – watching each episode in a season of a television series on DVD or a subscription service like Netflix or Hulu.

Many museums, theatres, zoos, and aquariums offer programs you can gift yourself. For example, our local musical theatre venue offers a discount for both matinee showings and blocks of three or more productions. And, our local aquarium offers free guided evening beach tours throughout the winter months.

If you enjoy travel, make a big deal of it and take a vacation somewhere you wouldn’t otherwise have time to go. Travel on holidays is often less expensive than before and after. A flight on Thanksgiving Day, for example, can cost 24% less for Asia to 31% less for South America, according to Kayak, and single seats are much easier to find than multiples.

Host a party

Invite others who don’t want to spend the holidays alone. Think of friends and coworkers you like; many singles and families consider themselves alone if they have no extended family, and they are likely to feel relief at being invited for a gathering and some fun. Depending on your interests, you could host a meal; a group walk in nature – say in the snow or on a blustery beach; or an activity like an ice-skating party or a show.

Perhaps you’d like to have a potluck dinner, or a moveable feast. A potluck – for those who don’t know, is simply a meal where all who partake bring something to share with others. Some are elaborate with multiple main courses and desserts, while others are simple snacks and drinks. You can decide how much or how little energy to spend on this. Another meal idea is something called a moveable feast. For this, all who are included pick one course to make and host at their own house. The group starts at the first course (or salad or wherever you decide to begin). When everyone has finished, the group – including the host of that first course – travels to the home of the second course. Play continues through to dessert or coffee or where ever you decide to end. A benefit of this is getting to know one another better and bonding along the way.

Volunteer

A good way to get out of your head for a bit is to do something in service of others. That can include volunteering at a pet shelter where pets might get less attention due to staff and customers taking time away. Or a homeless shelter, where you could bring books, serve a meal, or just visit with people who are often invisible to others. Or a nature clean-up, like a beach or park.

If you need help finding where you’re needed and what you might enjoy, try an internet search of “volunteers needed” or “volunteer opportunities.” I found more than 20 pages on the words “volunteers needed.” Understand you don’t need to go anywhere you might be uncomfortable. Surely, there is a group of people, animals, or an environmental cause, that will feel rewarding and fun. Pick a place that excites you when you think of it, research options, needs, and requirements online, and then give them a call. Agencies and the environment both need you, and feeling needed can cut through feeling lost or alone.

Be still

If these ideas don’t bring you joy, quieter activities like meditation might bring you peace. Several meditation centers offer free places to learn or practice meditation. For example, Vipassana Meditation Centers hold 10-day silent meditation training retreats. Room and board are free although donations of time, grounds keeping, sewing, or money are accepted, if you choose to offer after your first 10 days.

Reach out

If your emotions feel too deep or too big, and you think you might want support, contact a therapist who can help you work them through.

Share your thoughts

What do you do for the holidays? I’d love to hear. Post below and I’ll reply.

And, as always, I'm here. You can reach me in Issaquah at Balance InSight, 206-790-7270.

Thanks for reading, and be well. ~ Robin

Mad as Hell: 4 Ways to Sit With Anger

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“It’s safe to have anger. Anger won’t consume you as long as you manage what you do with it.”

— Robin Custer, MSW, LICSWA

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You know the feeling: maybe a headache or stomachache, narrowed field of vision, feeling white hot or icy cold. You might feel like you can’t sit still - your heart racing, and your jaw clenched.

You want to yell, cry, or kick something. If you looked in the mirror, you might see your face flushed red or drawn pale skin, narrowed eyes, and lines in your forehead.

If you survived childhood chaos, distress, or abuse, you have a lot to be mad about: screaming and feeling off kilter in your childhood, never feeling good enough, seeing or experiencing distress and shame.

Some people are angry at grandparents or other relatives and neighbors who didn’t know – or if they did know, didn’t do anything to help or keep them safe. You might be mad at the parent who didn’t abuse you – the one who was supposed to protect you. Or at your brothers and sisters who are still connected to your abuser.

You’re mad at your friends, now, today, who don’t understand and think you should just “forgive and get over it.”

You might be really mad, furious and full of rage - as well as an infinite number of other feelings - at the person who hurt you, the people who made your childhood a living hell, treated you like a thing, made you question everything about love, family, trust, and even your innermost feelings.

And you’re mad at yourself. Why didn’t you tell? Did you do something to cause it? Why can’t you just move on? When you got away, you might have left your siblings behind. You survived. You didn’t confront the person who wrecked your past, you didn’t stop him.

Four things you can do with your anger

1. Know and believe in your heart that your anger is justified. Anger is a feeling – it isn't good or bad, it’s just a feeling.

It's OK to be good and mad. You get to be angry, and can express anger in ways that don't hurt you or others. And, it's safe to have anger.

2.      Work toward forgiveness – of yourself. Ask yourself these questions:

·        Did you do the best you could at the time, for example: not telling, not making it stop, your mind protecting you by “not knowing” parts of it, leaving the family?

·        Are your friends capable of grasping? If not, do you want to continue to have relationships with them for other reasons and find emotional support elsewhere? Do you want to invest in these friends to help them understand and potentially become supports? IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT.

3.      Hold yourself in wonder. You survived. What stubbornness, spunk, wild streak, will to succeed, gentle soul, fierce soul must have made that possible! You are a force of nature!

4.      Set an intention – ask the universe, God, whatever you believe in that’s bigger than you, to help you notice one awesome thing each day. (Awesome - in the true meaning of the word: causing or inducing awe; inspiring an overwhelming feeling of wonder, reverence, or admiration, a sense of wonder.)

How do you sit with anger? What helps you get through it? Post below what works for you. I’d love to hear your thoughts.

If you want more, email me to schedule a free telephone consultation, where we can discuss one strategy to do anger well and find out if maybe you need more help.

You can reach me in Issaquah at Balance InSight, 206-790-7270.

Thanks for reading, and be well. ~ Robin

Why am I so angry?!?!

Irritation, frustration, and anger are normal emotions - neither positive or negative. Anger is likely one of two things: a messenger or a symptom.