What do adult children need anyway?

You’ve sort of finished raising your kids.

They are adults who still need you, yes, but since they’re on their own, they need you in a different way.

They still need us to model being good citizens, parenting, navigating the adult world, and certainly they need to watch us make mistakes and repair relationships so they can try it themselves.

It’s hard to remember we are not friends, although we may have friendly behaviors. We aren’t peers or colleagues, even if they’ve gone into a similar field as us. If they’re parents themselves, it’s easy to feel like they have arrived to where we are. But they haven’t.

They may have different ideas than ours about how to parent, what it means to have a good work ethic, how to become a homeowner, who to vote for. And that’s healthy. It’s a really good sign that our kids aren’t miniature versions of us.

Mother and child relationships get more and more complex the older we get.

Our kids will use what we've taught them to become independent thinkers, with unique values, needs, and paths. And that’s healthy. And they'll get input and information from other sources that we may not like. And they'll make mistakes as we did. And some of those mistakes and some of those choices will feel devastating and heart-crushing to us. And God it's hard to accept that sometimes.

For a time we might need to love from afar, love up close, love in spite of, love because of, and love beside them - but keep loving. And know they love you.

The invisible thread is never gone.

Feeling exhausted?

This time, right now, is one of the hardest in generations. It’s normal, you are normal, for feeling incredibly tired. As women during Covid, we are tasked with more and more of the heavy lifting.

In addition to homeschooling, working from home, and managing the bulk of keeping our house running, we're also coping with increased health anxiety, isolation, frustration with those who refuse to mask up when we need to go for groceries.

Ours were the jobs more likely to be lost or cut back this past year. According to the National Women’s Law Center, 100% of jobs lost (140,000) in December 2020 were women’s. This unemployment will add to the gender pay gap going forward - another worry for our future.

If we have children still at home, online schooling and/or homeschooling generally falls to us, since we tend to be the primary caregiver of our kids. This means figuring out how to teach, how to manage lessons, how to get our kids to do the work, and how to keep it all together so this new weird school we are so sick and tired of doesn’t increase the friction of quite literally never ever being apart during quarantine.

We are also, of course, the primary housekeeper, because hey, we’re at home so we should have time. And then we see our social media friends designing home improvements, baking bread from scratch, and crocheting blankets for anyone and everyone.

While we’re doing all this, we’re coping with worry about our health, our family’s health, and that of our parents and grandparents. If following protocols, we haven’t seen or touched our parents in over a year! We can’t go to the library or concert or movie house. We are stuck in a box either alone craving touch, or with our family craving space apart. If we pick up our groceries in person, no doubt we’ll encounter at least one person making a statement by not wearing a mask, potentially infecting us all.

The fear and worry are thick. As for me, I feel like every cell in my body is tired. Weepy tired. The only solution is rest. Rest without guilt.

Stomach in Knots?

If you get a tight stomach even thinking about attending seasonal family reunions, here are some tips to loosen the knots.

Arrive well rested and well fed

It’s harder to manage your emotions when you’re tired and hungry. Even though the gathering might center around food, don’t starve yourself thinking you can eat with everyone else. Eat something hearty and nutritious, like a cheese sandwich, a bean soup, or even veggie sticks dipped in hummus, before you leave your house.

Have a support person

Make sure you have an adult who has your back. Bring a partner, friend, or adult child who can be your support. Tell them upfront what your fears are and make up a signal for “come distract me right now,” or “get me outta here,” or “quick reassure me I’m not the middle child anymore.” Just knowing this person is here for you can make the difference between simmering feelings and a pleasant time, or a pleasant time and rekindled bonds.

Accept what is

Don’t pick the family reunion to confront anyone, teach anyone, or show anyone anything. With expectations of “perfect” holidays, know that real holidays are just regular days, with rules, traditions, and hopes of magic heaped onto them. This isn’t the day your mother and aunt will finally get along if they haven’t gotten along before. This isn’t the time to finally speak up to your dad about how he wasn’t there for you. For now, accept them as they are – with imperfections and flaws. Accept yourself as you are, and know that you can have that confrontation at a later date of your choosing. You can try to bring your mom and aunt closer – if you really must – later.

Don’t overthink the things

Tangible things like food and gifts you give are just that - things. If the pie boils over, so be it. I promise the pie eaters in the family will still eat it. If your gift for your brother-in-law falls flat, he knows how you feel about him anyway. If you care for him, he already knows it, and doesn’t mind about the gift. If you can’t stand the sight of him, he already knows that too. If your holiday clothes don’t look as good as you thought they would, I promise it’s alright. The good thing about family is they already know you. If they are normally impressed by your dress, they’ll still be impressed by your dress, and if not, what you wear this holiday won’t change their opinion.

Have a plan

If you fear strife, you can role-play possible scenarios and their resolution. Imagine a possible tough time, like grandma and Uncle Bob fighting over politics and drinks. What can you do? Play it through in your mind all the way to the finish – you ignore them. Or you ask them to stop and they do. Or you ask them to stop and they don’t, then what? Do you leave? Do you ignore? Play it out.

Also, plan your getaway. Sometimes just knowing you’ve given yourself permission to leave whenever you want makes staying possible. If you’re riding with others, make sure they are in on the plan and agree to your getaway terms. Or drive yourself.

Use moderation

If you plan to drink alcohol, try to drink in moderation. It’s harder to manage difficult emotions when alcohol has lowered your inhibitions. If you need alcohol to confront someone or make them see how wrong they are, reread the paragraph on accepting what is, and wait for another time. If your sister knows it all, take her in small doses. Enjoy her as you can but, before you feel like pulling out your hair, veer off to another conversation or find a quiet spot to meditate.

Leave while the going is good

Finally, if you start to get tired – physically or emotionally – say your goodbyes. In fact, before you get tired – start saying your goodbyes. You don’t need to stay until the very end. It’s OK to leave whenever you want, even if everything is going well. You’re saying goodbye to the event, not to your family. Know you can visit them again, one on one – which can be less stressful anyway.

How do you manage family reunions? Comment on what works. I'd love to hear. 

And, as always, I'm here. You can reach me in Issaquah at Balance InSight, 206-790-7270.

Thanks for reading, and be well. ~ Robin

The 10 most common questions I get asked about counseling

Counseling, if you've never been, can feel scary to consider.

People often wait until their feelings or problems cause them to have more pain than joy in their life before calling for help. One reason for that is they don't know what to expect from psychotherapy. So here are some of the most common questions they ask and how I answer.

1. Is here something wrong with me?

The short answer is no. There is likely nothing “wrong” with you.

People seek out counseling for a variety of reasons. Some want help with productivity at work. Some want to feel happier. Some want to learn why they do certain things or think certain ways. Some want help with decision-making. Some want help smoothing out a relationship. I like to compare counseling and psychotherapy to any other healthy change. If you want to build up your stamina, you might take up jogging or other aerobic exercise. If you want to create art, you might take a class. If you want to feel closer to your partner, you might schedule date nights. And, yes, if you want to learn why you get stomachaches and headaches after a fight, you might come see me.

2. How do I know if counseling will work?

The short answer is if you want to learn, change, or practice something about yourself, if will work.

The longer answer is that different people fit better with different types of counselors – male or female, spiritual or secular, client centered or theory oriented. Therapy will work best if your counselor is one with whom you fit well. In fact, research shows the relationship between client and counselor is at least as great a predictor of the success of therapy as any other aspect, including the type of therapy (EMDR, solution-focused, CBT, or other) and the therapist’s education level (Norcross, 2011).

The other piece, though, is that if you want your counseling to change someone else, it’s not that simple. You can only change you. Your therapy can change the way you interact with others, which could change their behavior, but it’s not a straight line from your therapy to their change.

3. How do I know if it’s working?

If you are meeting goals you set, or making progress toward meeting goals you set, it's working.

A good therapist will work with you to set goals. What do you want from counseling? Where do you hope to be in 3 months, 6 months, a year? Some counselors use “the miracle question:" Say you went to sleep one night, and while you were sleeping, a miracle happened to make your life exactly how you want it. But, you were asleep so you didn’t know that miracle had happened. The only way you would know is by what you saw, heard, did, or felt when you woke up. What would you notice that was different?

Then you take time every month or couple of months to review your goals. Are you getting closer to getting the job you want? Are you yelling at your spouse less and feeling closer? Are you feeling lighter, freer, more confident? If the answer is yes, counseling is working.

If the answer is no, a good therapist will help you by changing up the focus or frequency of counseling, learning whether goals set are attainable as is or need to be broken down, or if there is some other reason for lack of progress meeting them.

4. What happens if it’s not working?

Short answer: We shake it up.

Longer answer: In addition to the last paragraph in number 3 above, your counselor, with your agreement, might suggest adding in some EMDR, play therapy, art therapy, narrative therapy, or other method to mix it up a bit. I might add homework or reading assignments for the time between sessions.

And one other thing. You and your counselor might look at your relationship. Have you built trust, warmth, and mutual respect? See number 2 above.

5. Do I have to tell you everything?

Nope.

You don’t need to tell what you don’t want to tell. If you and your counselor allow your story to naturally unfold, in its own time, your relationship (see how I did that) will become more solid, trusting, and therapeutic than if you run down a long list of events from your life. Your counselor will have given you forms to sign that define the limit of what they will do with the information you give. That said, the more open you can be, over time, the more help you will receive.

6. How long will it take?

I’m not sure yet.

Because every person is unique, and every issue affecting every person is unique, it’s impossible to know how much time is needed to resolve problems. However, you should know by the fourth or fifth weekly session if counseling is helping. If counseling is every two weeks, of course, progress will be cut by more than half. This is because we spend more time catching up instead of just continuing on from last session. So at the rate of every two weeks, it will probably take more than twice as long to see complete healing and achieve your goals.

Just like when you take a class, if you go every week, you have 6 days to practice and/or forget what you learned. If you attend every other week, there is more time for other competing forces to get you sidetracked. Understand that some therapists and clients work even better in longer sessions though. The best way to figure out what will work best for you and how long that will take is by goal setting (see above), monitoring progress made toward your goals (again, above), and communicating with your therapist along the way.

7. How does it end?

By termination.

Termination is the word therapists use to describe the end of therapy. Shortly after beginning therapy, a good therapist will start planning for termination. Not because they want to be rid of you, but because no one deserves to have to be in therapy forever. The way to plan for termination is by reviewing the goals (again with the goals), and progress made. If you come to a therapist like me, for anxiety, you don’t want to keep on coming to me for years, with that same level of anxiety. That means something’s not working and we need to change something up (number 4 above).

When your stated goals are close to being met, or you are satisfied with your progress you are making toward them, you and I will talk about next steps. That could look like ending therapy, adding new goals, coming less often, or something else that suits your needs. We’ll review your progress, how far you’ve come, and all your tools and strengths you have acquired to help with any future needs you might have. I will also tell you it’s OK to call and come back some later time if you feel the need. We might have a celebration if that’s something you want. Or we might have a quiet goodbye with the knowledge that you are now stronger or you were always strong but now you know it. Let me say again, you deserve to have a finish point for the current issues.

Another way it can end, although this is less ideal, is for you to just stop coming. You are the client and you may choose to end therapy at any time, of course. The reason it isn’t ideal is that there is no wrapping up, reviewing strengths and supports, no sending off, or setting off with your bag of tools. Goodbyes can be hard but they are important, part of the cycle of life, and good learning.

8. I just want someone to tell me what to do. Why won’t you do that?

Some therapists will. I won’t and here’s why.

I don’t tell clients what to do because, no matter how much you may want it, I’m not the one who is hurt if it doesn’t turn out the way I think it will. I’m not the one who feels your pain (although I will likely feel pain for you). Also, I believe you have the answers inside you. You’ve already done something that worked in a different situation. I’m here to show it to you, help you rediscover what’s inside.

I will help you see options, learn about potential pitfalls and advantages, consider impacts and ripple effects. Like it or hate it, you have free will. And I will support your choices and the learning that comes from those choices.

9. What do you do with the information you learn about me?

I keep it private and use it to understand you better.

State and federal confidentiality laws, the Health Information Portability and Accountability Act (HIPAA), and the National Association of Social Work Ethics prevent me from sharing your information. There are exceptions in a few circumstances like abuse of a child or fragile adult, threats to self or others, and to provide for coordination of care in emergencies. Then I share the minimum amount possible.

“Mostly, the information, your story, that you choose to share with me, I hold sacred because it is a piece of you. I value your information the way I value you. It is a gift that helps me determine how to work with you, what might help you, what to avoid until you get stronger.”

10. My husband, partner, parent, child needs counseling. What should I do?

Ask them if they would like to talk to someone.

You know your husband, partner, parent, child. If you believe they will be reluctant to come to therapy alone, you might ask them to come with you. You might start the conversation slowly, by simply noticing aloud that they seem less happy than usual, more stressed, are having trouble sleeping, or whatever is true for them and for you. You might give them this article to read, and ask if they’d like to call me with questions or for a free telephone consultation. You can show them my web site www.balanceinsight.com

And you might remind them that what they tell me is confidential (see number 9 above). Just like what you tell me. Therapy is a safe place.

What questions do you have? Email me and I'll answer in another blog post.

Motherhood and the Luxury of My Broken Sleep

C’mon, admit it. When you were a child of napping age, you knew as well as I did how to muss up your hair, the sheets, and your clothing just so. I hated sleep. I excelled at scrunching up my face before leaving the bedroom, and making my voice just a bit croaky – to demonstrate that I had, in fact, taken the obligatory nap that I knew none of my friends had to take. Sometimes, my mom was on to me and sent me back to bed with, “Don’t you come out until you’ve slept; now I mean it!” I’d wait until she was quiet enough that I knew she was far away in the living room, maybe watching television, back when the channels were free. Or reading a true crime magazine she hid from the eyes of us kids. The coast was clear. Now I could quietly pull out Nancy Drew, or my Spirograph, something quiet to pass the time before mussing up my hair and sheets, smooshing up my face and clothing, and prepping my voice to sound sleepy so I could try leaving my bedroom again. I’d never really fall asleep during the day anyway. Outside the neighbors were loudly whooping it up on the swing set, seeing who could jump out and land the farthest, back when swing sets didn’t come with safety gear, and a good landing in grass and dirt was enough to knock the wind out of a kid – proving they were indeed a hotshot.

Later, when bedtimes moved out to eight, nine, or 10 o’clock, even with permission to read there always came a time when they yelled up the stairs, “I said lights out; now don’t make me come up there!” I still hated sleep. I moved in, under covers with a flashlight and a stack of Teen Beat magazines, studying Bobby Sherman and David Cassidy’s “Favorite Places to Take Girls on Dates,” and reading how to “Win a Trip to Dinner with Erik Estrada.”

For a short period, about age 21, I loved sleep more than dating, eating, dancing, camping, and anything else (except maybe Christmas). I easily slept seven or more hours a night. Even if I stayed until closing, at the pub, dancing in girl groups, I simply slept in longer the next morning.

Then came motherhood, and sweet baby Jeremy. Our perfect son who rarely fussed, nursed easily, potty trained easily, and was just so good-natured. Except at night. During the typical night, he ate more than four times. Four. That’s sleeping in less than 2 hour increments when you count the time it takes to change the wet diaper, nurse on one side, burp, nurse on the other side, burp, and snuggle him back in his cradle. His daddy placed the hot water bottle in the cradle every single time I nursed, removing it when Jeremy was rocking back to sleep. We tried not talking to him; that was a disaster. How can you keep a straight face and not play and interact when your baby coos at you at 3 or 4 am? I certainly couldn’t.

When he was 10 years old and still waking up throughout the night, I remember the thought hitting me that I had gone more than 10 years without a full night’s sleep. And I got up, calming him after a bad dream, bringing drinks of water, turning on the night light. Sometimes making hot vanilla milk to sooth him back to sleep.

Now, in my 50s I still sleep restlessly, waking often. I realize I’ve never really slept well, whether due to the chance of missing out on a good book or Spirograph, swinging or playing; or due to movie stars beckoning me to read about their cars, favorite foods, or pets; or due to my son, crying or cooing, hungry or scared. Or, now, due again to the chance of missing out, missing out on a memory of a son cooing at me in the dark 30 years ago, or sipping hot vanilla milk after a bad dream 20 years ago, or lately texting me “Good night to the old lady whispering hush.”

Motherhood never ends. I still can’t sleep; I might miss out on some motherhood.

*”Good night to the old lady whispering hush” from a beloved book Goodnight Moon, by Margaret Wise Brown, Harper Collins Publisher.