Find your inner Sassy Girl

I come from a family of sassy girls.

When I was young my big sister and I usually played well together. Hiking, board games, paper dolls, and a tire swing were activities that take two, so she led and I followed and we got along well. Until she bossed one time too many or I whined once too often.

Then we fought. Like little monsters. I'd yell, scream, scratch, hit, and pull her long beautiful hair. I certainly refused to be seen and not heard. I'd jump onto her back, my legs latched tightly around her waist, so I had leverage to scratch her eyes. She'd swing blindly behind me occasionally meeting her target - my back - with fists and fingernails. We were pretty well matched, each skinny and close in age. And when we were finished we made up, usually without outside interference pushing us to.

And later when I was in sixth grade, girls were not allowed to wear pants in the Pacific Northwest in winter. We could wear them on the way to school but then had to take them off and put them in the cloakroom connected to my classroom.

So my feminist rebel mother sent me to school in bluejeans (an even bigger transgression) with a note in my pocket addressed to the principal. It said, "I am Robin's mother, not you. And I will decide what she will wear to school." We didn't have girls' sports teams yet, but I wore bluejeans.

It got harder. I got yelled at in the classroom until I learned to stop being a "Chatty Cathy." I did more helping and less playing. More watching and less doing.

Back when we were young, before we were "societized" and socialized to behave, we called out what we didn't like. We yelled "Stop It" when we didn't like something. We said yes when we wanted and no when we didn't. And then family life, the neighborhood, and social norms started putting on the pressure to conform to girls' rules.

That sassy girl is still inside. I remember her. Do you?

Stomach in Knots?

If you get a tight stomach even thinking about attending seasonal family reunions, here are some tips to loosen the knots.

Arrive well rested and well fed

It’s harder to manage your emotions when you’re tired and hungry. Even though the gathering might center around food, don’t starve yourself thinking you can eat with everyone else. Eat something hearty and nutritious, like a cheese sandwich, a bean soup, or even veggie sticks dipped in hummus, before you leave your house.

Have a support person

Make sure you have an adult who has your back. Bring a partner, friend, or adult child who can be your support. Tell them upfront what your fears are and make up a signal for “come distract me right now,” or “get me outta here,” or “quick reassure me I’m not the middle child anymore.” Just knowing this person is here for you can make the difference between simmering feelings and a pleasant time, or a pleasant time and rekindled bonds.

Accept what is

Don’t pick the family reunion to confront anyone, teach anyone, or show anyone anything. With expectations of “perfect” holidays, know that real holidays are just regular days, with rules, traditions, and hopes of magic heaped onto them. This isn’t the day your mother and aunt will finally get along if they haven’t gotten along before. This isn’t the time to finally speak up to your dad about how he wasn’t there for you. For now, accept them as they are – with imperfections and flaws. Accept yourself as you are, and know that you can have that confrontation at a later date of your choosing. You can try to bring your mom and aunt closer – if you really must – later.

Don’t overthink the things

Tangible things like food and gifts you give are just that - things. If the pie boils over, so be it. I promise the pie eaters in the family will still eat it. If your gift for your brother-in-law falls flat, he knows how you feel about him anyway. If you care for him, he already knows it, and doesn’t mind about the gift. If you can’t stand the sight of him, he already knows that too. If your holiday clothes don’t look as good as you thought they would, I promise it’s alright. The good thing about family is they already know you. If they are normally impressed by your dress, they’ll still be impressed by your dress, and if not, what you wear this holiday won’t change their opinion.

Have a plan

If you fear strife, you can role-play possible scenarios and their resolution. Imagine a possible tough time, like grandma and Uncle Bob fighting over politics and drinks. What can you do? Play it through in your mind all the way to the finish – you ignore them. Or you ask them to stop and they do. Or you ask them to stop and they don’t, then what? Do you leave? Do you ignore? Play it out.

Also, plan your getaway. Sometimes just knowing you’ve given yourself permission to leave whenever you want makes staying possible. If you’re riding with others, make sure they are in on the plan and agree to your getaway terms. Or drive yourself.

Use moderation

If you plan to drink alcohol, try to drink in moderation. It’s harder to manage difficult emotions when alcohol has lowered your inhibitions. If you need alcohol to confront someone or make them see how wrong they are, reread the paragraph on accepting what is, and wait for another time. If your sister knows it all, take her in small doses. Enjoy her as you can but, before you feel like pulling out your hair, veer off to another conversation or find a quiet spot to meditate.

Leave while the going is good

Finally, if you start to get tired – physically or emotionally – say your goodbyes. In fact, before you get tired – start saying your goodbyes. You don’t need to stay until the very end. It’s OK to leave whenever you want, even if everything is going well. You’re saying goodbye to the event, not to your family. Know you can visit them again, one on one – which can be less stressful anyway.

How do you manage family reunions? Comment on what works. I'd love to hear. 

And, as always, I'm here. You can reach me in Issaquah at Balance InSight, 206-790-7270.

Thanks for reading, and be well. ~ Robin

Mad as Hell: 4 Ways to Sit With Anger

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“It’s safe to have anger. Anger won’t consume you as long as you manage what you do with it.”

— Robin Custer, MSW, LICSWA

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You know the feeling: maybe a headache or stomachache, narrowed field of vision, feeling white hot or icy cold. You might feel like you can’t sit still - your heart racing, and your jaw clenched.

You want to yell, cry, or kick something. If you looked in the mirror, you might see your face flushed red or drawn pale skin, narrowed eyes, and lines in your forehead.

If you survived childhood chaos, distress, or abuse, you have a lot to be mad about: screaming and feeling off kilter in your childhood, never feeling good enough, seeing or experiencing distress and shame.

Some people are angry at grandparents or other relatives and neighbors who didn’t know – or if they did know, didn’t do anything to help or keep them safe. You might be mad at the parent who didn’t abuse you – the one who was supposed to protect you. Or at your brothers and sisters who are still connected to your abuser.

You’re mad at your friends, now, today, who don’t understand and think you should just “forgive and get over it.”

You might be really mad, furious and full of rage - as well as an infinite number of other feelings - at the person who hurt you, the people who made your childhood a living hell, treated you like a thing, made you question everything about love, family, trust, and even your innermost feelings.

And you’re mad at yourself. Why didn’t you tell? Did you do something to cause it? Why can’t you just move on? When you got away, you might have left your siblings behind. You survived. You didn’t confront the person who wrecked your past, you didn’t stop him.

Four things you can do with your anger

1. Know and believe in your heart that your anger is justified. Anger is a feeling – it isn't good or bad, it’s just a feeling.

It's OK to be good and mad. You get to be angry, and can express anger in ways that don't hurt you or others. And, it's safe to have anger.

2.      Work toward forgiveness – of yourself. Ask yourself these questions:

·        Did you do the best you could at the time, for example: not telling, not making it stop, your mind protecting you by “not knowing” parts of it, leaving the family?

·        Are your friends capable of grasping? If not, do you want to continue to have relationships with them for other reasons and find emotional support elsewhere? Do you want to invest in these friends to help them understand and potentially become supports? IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT.

3.      Hold yourself in wonder. You survived. What stubbornness, spunk, wild streak, will to succeed, gentle soul, fierce soul must have made that possible! You are a force of nature!

4.      Set an intention – ask the universe, God, whatever you believe in that’s bigger than you, to help you notice one awesome thing each day. (Awesome - in the true meaning of the word: causing or inducing awe; inspiring an overwhelming feeling of wonder, reverence, or admiration, a sense of wonder.)

How do you sit with anger? What helps you get through it? Post below what works for you. I’d love to hear your thoughts.

If you want more, email me to schedule a free telephone consultation, where we can discuss one strategy to do anger well and find out if maybe you need more help.

You can reach me in Issaquah at Balance InSight, 206-790-7270.

Thanks for reading, and be well. ~ Robin

Saying NO: 4 Steps to Telling Your Mother No

Like many women of a certain age, we’ve moved past being a rebellious daughter and into being a mother in our own families. We tell our children no when they ask for unreasonable or unhealthy things. We tell our partners no when they have unrealistic expectations. We even tell our best friends no when we need more time with our children and partners. Why, then, is it so difficult to say no to our mothers or fathers or other members in our family of origin?

In some cases, we feel obligated to go along with our parents’ requests, no matter the cost to us. She raised us, changed our diapers, protected us from mean neighbor kids, and took us out for ice cream after the dentist. We feel we owe her our allegiance.

In other cases, we feel obligated since she put us first, no matter the cost to them. Maybe they left our hometown and their friends to move us closer to a better school. Or, she skipped work, again, left early, again, and jeopardized their job each time we threw up at school. We feel we owe her our undying loyalty.

But, sometimes, we comply with her demands because we recognize her power to hurt us, even as the grownups we are. We know from experience she can turn our siblings against us, disinvite us to family holidays, or simply send a nasty email that feels like banishment. We feel we need them to survive.

Regardless of our reason for saying no, it can feel impossible. Good news: you can learn to say no, stick with your no, and feel better for it.

1. First, get clear with yourself that you want to say no. It’s important to you. You feel it in your gut and it matters.
   

2. Second, phrase it in the affirmative to yourself. No, I will not cancel my trip to Greece because you want me with you during the anniversary of your divorce becomes “I have a vacation planned and I’m going to Greece.”
   

3. Third, practice and be a broken record. Don’t scatter about trying to put out other fires. “I’m going on vacation to Greece next month.” But I need you. “I’m going on vacation to Greece next month.” You’re so selfish. “I’m going on vacation to Greece next month.” Your sister wouldn’t go away when I needed her. “I’m going on vacation to Greece next month.” Rinse and repeat. If you need to, you can add an "I love you" in there but stick to the main message and don’t get sucked in to answering the little accusations and manipulations.
   

4. And fourth, reward yourself for your bravery, for taking your needs seriously, and for being a role model for your own children. Before long, your kids will need to learn to say no to you. You can start teaching them, by example, now.

Family relationships can be a source of support, affection, and learning, but without boundaries and saying no when you need to can lead to energy loss, distress, and anxiety. If you're having a hard time saying no or keeping boundaries and want to improve your relationships, call or email to schedule a free telephone consultation where you'll get some ideas and learn if maybe you want more help.

Childhood sexual trauma: What happens when the predator is your brother?

If you are alive and awake, you’ve likely read or heard about Josh Duggar, of the television show 19 Kids and Counting, molesting his sisters and a babysitter. From the television interviews, released police report, and news reports, it appears as if Josh admitted, in real time, at least 5 instances of sexual assault. While there is far too much parent bashing in the media, by Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar’s own admission, they did not report the crimes perpetrated upon their daughters and babysitter for at least 18 months, and Jim Bob, in particular, was told each time Josh molested again. Today we see more of the Duggars on television talking of their son Josh being crucified by the public, and we hear less about the victimization and repeated sexual abuse of their daughters.

Parents' Job

Josh was 15 at the time, a child, whose parents protected him the best they could. They tried to help him. That is the job of parents: protect your children and help them. All well and good. However, Josh’s sisters were even younger and more vulnerable. They needed even more protection than their brother, a predator living among them. They needed help. Michelle and Jim Bob did not protect them, and did not help them.

According to their account, and to their credit, they put rules in place like not letting boys babysit the girls, not letting them out of site, and not allowing “hide and seek.” What they didn’t do is report the sexual assault to the police, which would have stopped it. What they didn’t do is protect and help their daughters. When a predator, who by definition preys on the vulnerable, is living under the same roof as the victims, the victims are not protected. The public may never know, nor should we, in my opinion, whether and how many times Josh continued to molest during the 16 months before reporting the crimes to the authorities. But to be sure, Josh the child sexual predator had means and opportunities – parents have to sleep sometime.

Three Crimes

Crime number one is the daughters’ molestations as they were perpetrated. Crime number two is that Mr. and Mrs. Duggar did not protect their daughters, after the fact, by reporting that their young daughters were molested and removing Josh from the home. Crime number three is still happening: the Duggars are rallying around Josh, minimizing both the fact of the molestation and the impact by inserting qualifiers about it not being rape, Josh made a mistake, it happened over the clothes, just for a few minutes, and while the girls were asleep.

Child molesting is child molesting. You’re not a little bit molested. You’re molested. Whether or not their young daughters were awake, wearing clothes, or remember it, make no mistake, it has harmed them and will continue to harm them. Being molested by their brother will live with them forever. And so will their mother and father minimizing it.

What can we do?

What can you and I, as parents, do differently? Value our children, believe them, report their molester – regardless of, and especially if he is their brother in the same house; don’t minimize the crimes, pain, and impact of the trauma.

And we can call someone for help. Right now. Not in 16 months.

If you suspect your child, or a child you know, has been molested, protect them. Help them. Call the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453), anytime, day or night, in any of 200 languages.

If you are a child being molested, believe it and know that no one has the right to molest you. Call the Child Abuse Hotline 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453), and then press 1 to talk to a counselor. Call anytime, day or night. They will help make it stop and give you support. All calls are confidential.

And as always, I’m here. You can reach me in Issaquah at Balance Insight, 206-790-7270.

Thanks for reading, and be well.

~ Robin