How far do you want to go (grow)?
It's pretty hard, maybe even impossible, to go where you want to go right now. There are ways, though; there are ways.
It's pretty hard, maybe even impossible, to go where you want to go right now.
You want to keep away from Covid-spreading events, keep your distance, and heck many of us barely leave the house. We have groceries delivered, we work online, and we even attend doctor appointments online. There is very little that leads us to leave our homes.
That said, there are things you can do to go and grow. Imagine you are somewhere cozy or exciting. In nature or on the road.
Where will you be?
Some people wear masks while hiking or biking, but in the Pacific Northwest winter is just now ending so unless you’re a hardcore sportswoman, the snow, rain, and freezing temperatures might have prevented this in the recent past. But now the crocuses are blooming! Spring is nearing. And walks, hikes, and rides are much more possible.
Some people go for drives. Pack up some snacks and a mug of coffee or kombucha and head toward the coast, the hills, or Snoqualmie Falls. It can be quite soothing to get a change of scenery.
Some of us get lost in faraway books on audible, going to old Chicago’s World’s Fair in The Devil in the White City or traveling old Asia Minor, Detroit, and San Francisco in Middlesex.
And some people take to the road in RVs like Camille and Bryce, Kelly Beasley, or Gary and Stacey in RV Nomads on YouTube, or Robin Barrett who wrote Be a Nomad Change Your Life, or like me. I travel the country, safely viewing the Grand Canyon in a mask away from other people, camping in Yellowstone with bison bumping my motorhome, and cruising along the Trail of the Ancients in Utah.
It’s not the same as freely wearing no mask and going anywhere you like, for a breath of fresh air, visiting friends, sitting in a pub or fine restaurant. But it brings me a sense of resilience and health and confidence.
How far will you go?
How far do you want to grow?
I provide EMDR and therapy to my Washington clients online from my camper, helping them work through their traumas, anxiety, anger, and distress to build their resilience and see their true, unbroken, growing selves.
Contact me for a free consultation, where we can see if I’m the right fit for you, and give you some tips to get you feeling whole again.
Does my kid have anxiety? (And if so, what can I do?)
If you have a child who cries often, is easily frustrated or sullen or angry, has trouble falling asleep or getting up, refuses to engage, or is obstinate, they may have anxiety.
If you have a child who cries often, is easily frustrated or sullen or angry, has trouble falling asleep or getting up, refuses to engage, or is obstinate, they may have anxiety.
They have outbursts over things that seem small, like a change in schedule or routine, being told no, or having to wait for something. Maybe you go to pick them up from soccer a few minutes late and they yell or cry. You ask them to clean their room and they yell (and show with a limp rag body) that they can’t.
They worry over small things their siblings or others their age wouldn’t, like a missed turn when driving them to school. They are hard on themselves and others, expecting – needing – perfection and predictability in grades, sports, relationships with peers.
They are old enough to tolerate time away from you but cling to home and the familiar. They may be afraid of what ifs that are extremely unlikely to occur (either they haven’t occurred before like a tsunami in Lake Sammamish or a lion walking down Gilman Boulevard, or if they have it was far away like Mt. St. Helens erupting).
These are some of the symptoms of childhood anxiety, which is the most common behavioral, emotional health issue in children and teens.
Whether or not your child has a true anxiety disorder, anxiety, worry, and fear can still hold them back from typical developmental and academic achievements and enjoying family and school.
Here are some ways to lessen your children’s anxiety. Bonus: they’ll help the whole family feel better and connect in fun and learning.
Talking
Not straight out talking about you, like “I’m worried about you,” because the fact that you are worried isn’t the thing, their need is the thing. You want your kid to allow you to see what’s going on without hiding it to keep from worrying you. You want them to be able to come to you, in words or actions, with their troubles and know that you can take it.
You can help. You are a problem solver and you can help. So, you can talk from a place of curiosity and love. Like, “I notice you stressing about school. Anything bugging you?” or “What’s up? Did you think I’d make you late for school when I turned early?”
For some kids, talking can be too intense. Yay for texting and instant messaging. Like talking in the car side by side for adults, texting or IM’ing are less directive or face to face and can make it easier to share and hear what’s shared. I know a woman – no not a client (what my clients tell me is strictly confidential except for danger, harm, and such) – whose son was having trouble and they instant messaged, sometimes from the same room of the house. They also wrote notes on yellow sticky tablets, responding back and forth.
Problems may not be easily solvable, or may need more thinking time, but the act of communicating with your anxious kid lets them know you’re there for them, in support of them, and loving them.
Mindfulness
This is the new thing everyone’s talking about, and it really can be fun and helpful. Listening to soothing music, walking in nature, relaxation techniques, and actual meditation are all forms of mindfulness.
I want to tell you about meditation here. It’s like a vacation for the mind. The easiest way to get started is with something called guided meditation. That’s where someone – a CD, a trusted person, or a counselor – walks them through “going” to a place that’s safe and soothing. Here’s the basic format if you want to do it for your child – if you are their trusted person.
Start comfortably seated in a quiet place. Direct your kid (and do it with them) to take a few long slow breaths, with exhales longer than inhales. Spend some time weaving a story with your kid as the main character, where they go to, spend time in, and then slowly leave their place – reminding them that it’s OK to leave since they can go back anytime they want to relax again.
Ask them to imagine walking to (I always start with them getting to the place rather than being in the place as a way to ease into it) their peaceful place. Ask them to notice sensory items, like the smell of grass or salt water, the sound of the breeze or crackling fire, the feel of fleece or warmth on their skin - depending on where their place is. The more they can feel it, the more relaxed they’ll get. You can ask them to sit, swing, fly, lay in a hammock, or whatever they like, while there.
Keep bringing in their senses. They’ll look around, listen, smell the air or objects there, and notice how light and joyful they feel (use words and senses you know work for them). Eventually, ask them to stand up (in their cozy place) and get ready to walk out the way they came. Again, bring up sights and sounds and such that they’d notice along the way. When they get back to where they started, ask them to look back and say goodbye, knowing they can return when they want peace and comfort; their place will always be there.
Tell them to notice sensory items in the actual room now, the feel of their weight on the sofa or chair, the scent of the dog in the room, or whatever you think of. And when they’re ready, they can slowly open their eyes and come back into the room. Ahhhhhh. Love doing this. They, and your other family members, might just ask you to do it again and again. I have some samples on my help page.
Movement
Movement helps with anxiety - as well as depression and other moods - in a couple of different ways. You’ve heard of runners’ high, right? That good feeling happens because endorphins and other chemicals in the brain are released upon strenuous activity. Exercise also helps us sleep better, which is healing and discussed further below. And anxiety can feel paralyzing but movement, even when it feels impossible to do, pushes that paralysis away. This can be as tiny a movement as walking to the kitchen for pretzels (see food below) or stretching out their back or legs on the living room carpet. Family dance parties get blood flowing and it’s fun to teach your kids the old moves and let them teach you the new stuff.
Food
I’d be neglectful if I didn’t talk about nutrition. We know that good food is the body’s fuel. If your kid is having trouble eating enough good food or is eating too much junk food, make a family goal to add more good stuff while eating less bad stuff. Easier said than done, I know. Some kids need to graze. So, before you say, “no more junk food” make sure to have less-junky food that’s tasty. Cookies can be healthier than candy, especially if you make them at home. Carrot sticks are not very tasty to a Snickers bar eater, but add a yummy dip and you’re increasing good food. A sweet juicy tangerine or banana dipped in almond butter don’t compare to French fries but eat them first and then there’s less stomach room for the fries. Sometimes getting kids involved in food preparation can make a difference. Plus, it gives them a way to have good stuff when you’re not able to prepare it.
Sleep
Sleep is the body’s way to repair and shore up itself. Routines go a long way here. Bed times; night time rituals of bathing, a drink of water, reading in bed, and screens off an hour before; and morning rituals of showers before breakfast, chatting over cocoa or tea, and sharing wishes and hopes for the day all help the body and mind anticipate sleeping and waking. Also, if your kid has trouble falling to sleep, a slice of peanut butter toast or handful of nuts or other protein can help, especially if it becomes part of the routine. Chocolate or anything with caffeine can make it hard to sleep, so try to hold off on these items after dinner.
A little bit more
A meditation book I like is called Sitting Still Like a Frog, by Eline Snell. It comes with a CD and is helpful for kids to about 12, and their families.
For older kids, I like The Anxiety Workbook for Teens: Activities to Help You Deal with Anxiety and Worry, by Lisa Schab. It’s got great activities for 12ish and older.
My help page. I have a couple of meditations and some activities to help with anxiety and other hard things.
Know that with support, they can feel better.
Counseling
If your kid has trouble with fear, worry, or anxiety, or other hard emotions, and you feel like you might need a little bit more help, I offer a free 15-minute telephone consultation to see if I am the right counselor for them. Call or email to schedule a consultation.
I’d love to hear about your experiences. Did you have or do you know someone who had anxiety as a kid? What was helpful for them or for you? I’m always looking for more ways to help and I’d love to add to my anxiety toolbox so thanks for sharing.
PS Did you know you can comment on this blog page with a different name to protect your privacy and the privacy of your child?
How to manage change (with less anxiety)
We are creatures of habit. We have our comfort zone established and even extroverts want that space to return to. So change is understandably hard for most of us, often causing stress or anxiety. I recently moved to a new city, both my family and my counseling practice. Along the way, I learned some things I want to remember, to help me with the next change. Maybe they’ll help you too.
We are creatures of habit. We have our comfort zone established and even extroverts want that space to return to. So change is understandably hard for most of us, often causing stress or anxiety. I recently moved to a new city, both my family and my counseling practice. Along the way, I learned some things I want to remember, to help me with the next change. Maybe they’ll help you too.
Plan
The biggest piece for me, and the most exciting actually, is the planning. I’m a planner. I love to plan. I love to learn all about the change, in my case the new town I’d be moving to and the new town I’d be working in. I’m in my Zen when I’m planning. I like the Internet so I look online at community pages, city government pages, shopping mall pages. I visit the towns to get local newspapers. I read the help wanted ads, events pages, and grocery store sale pages so I could get a sense of the environment. I look at local schools and read their blog posts to sense how staff relates to each other and children.
As an introvert, I’m not as good at asking others for information but when I do, it’s really helpful. I like to visit the local library, community center, farmer’s market, or church in the new neighborhood and listen to the conversations and vibrations. You can ask people you see what they like about being there. What they wish were different. Also ask around and see if any of your current friends have been to the new town. Take a hike or walk through the neighborhoods and chat with people you meet. The act of walking can lessen stress and increase excitement about the move too.
My next step is setting things up. You can visit the schools and walk through their neighborhoods, maybe talk to the secretary and parents, and then apply to the school that fits your kids best. If the move is easily drivable and you have a religious affiliation, you might start attending church or synagogue in the new town. This will help you have friends by the time you actually move. If you have pets, you may also want to seek out a new veterinary office, walk in and read their bulletin boards, look for cleanliness as well as the kind of environment you feel comfortable in.
When I have plans - even though I know they’ll likely need adjusting - I feel more settled, less anxious, and able to cope with change.
Execute
Now follow the plans you made above, as much as you can.
For changes go as smoothly as possible, as well as dealing with glitches in plans, it helps me to pay attention to my mind and body health. Keep your routines as regular and simple as possible. As much as possible, make sure you eat at your normal times, foods you typically eat, and even add in a few healthy extras like salads, apples with peanut butter, and extra water. If you are a regular meditator, don’t let that slide. If you’re short on time and can’t meditate for long durations, at least try for short meditations at your regular time. The same is true for exercise and fun: if you need to keep them of short duration, so be it, but try not to skip altogether. If you jog, jogging a shorter route is better than not at all. If you have game nights with the kids, but the hour is getting late, play quicker games like twister – a good way to add movement, fun, and reconnection. Moods are important and keeping rituals helps keep our moods healthy and light.
I also try to keep important rituals such as bedtimes, homework, and screen time. Although I may need it more, I try not to add too much mindless TV or other screens. If you have date nights, you’ll need that together time to keep each other strong. The same with family outings and holidays. It’s fine to cut things shorter or simplify them, but eliminating them can make you feel “off” or separate or like something’s missing. At Christmas, go for a small movable tree rather than none at all. During camping season, take a weekend instead of a week, at a closer spot.
You can also add new rituals if you like. It’s alright for plans to be altered, but try to keep the pieces that are most important to you and your family. In fact, one of your new rituals could be family meetings to talk about what’s important to each family member. And if you’ve taken drives to explore the schools, neighborhoods, and parks, you could keep up the drives, adding a stop for ice cream or singing on the road. This makes a positive addition for your family that came about due to the change. However difficult the change, you’ll have this new ritual as a bonus memory to carry forward.
Another key is relying on others where you can. Who do you have that could bring you dinner while you pack? Who could host a play date for the kids while you spend time on the internet planning? Who has moved before, or faced other big changes, that can talk you through the feelings that come up when we’re subject to changes? And if you feel like you don’t have family or friends for these or other things, ask the family and friends you do have if they have ideas of who could help. If not them, then who?
When I keep my rituals, and have the support of others I can roll with change much more easily.
Let it go
After planning and executing, is letting go. This is more mental than activity based, but activities can help you let things go too. Try to remember you have made it through 100% of the changes you have made in your life. You have a 100% success rate. This is an awesome record!
Expect glitches. Things aren’t likely to go exactly as planned. Something will break, a scheduled task will be forgotten, someone will cry or yell. But that’s a normal part of growth, and how you react to it can set you at ease or complicate things. If you don’t know it, learn Elsa’s song from Frozen and sing it loud while swooping and dancing around the room. The movement and breathing required to sing will ease your stress level and be fun for your kids to watch or join. They’ll like you silly.
Remember “no do-overs” is just a schoolyard slogan. If something doesn’t work the way you want – the church is too stuffy, the moving truck isn’t big enough, or the office isn’t as you hoped – you can redo, as often as you like. Find a new church, call another truck company, or find a better office.
That’s a perk of adulting: you get do-overs.
Reflect
Reflecting is a great way to keep what works and toss what doesn’t. Since change is inevitable, and will happen again, reflecting on this move will help future moves go more smoothly. So even if this move was anxiety provoking, the next will be less so.
I like to take time to journal – no I’m not great at consistency. But journaling what went well or gratitude about the move, is a good place to start. In fact, I’ve recently switched to listing “done well’s” instead of “to-do’s” in several areas of my life and the feeling of success I get is huge! Try to add a bit, in thought or on paper, or in conversation with your family, about what you wished could have been different or better. Keep this knowledge for next time!
And lastly, reflect on how your beliefs about yourself changed throughout this move. When all is done, do you feel more capable? What can you add into your life to increase those feelings over time. Less capable? Time for changes to increase your esteem. Did your stress level, behaviors, parenting, or relating to others change? If these things feel better than before the move or change, what else can you do to keep those great beliefs and feelings? If worse, how can you release them and increase your self-regard and strength?
As always, thanks for reading. I hope this is helpful when you feel anxious about change. If you live in the Snoqualmie Valley and want more help with change, stress, or anxiety call me to schedule a free telephone consultation to see if you might need one on one support.
Getting over getting stuck
Do you ever get working on a project or idea or maybe a complex set of tasks, and it’s so perfect for you that you whiz along, adding more, going off on side tangents to make it better, cleaner, more interesting, useful, or needed? The options are endless. And then, seemingly out of nowhere, you start to feel like you just need to hold your head in your hands and make it all go away?
You might have just sped into feeling stuck.
Do you ever get working on a project or idea or maybe a complex set of tasks, and it’s so perfect for you that you whiz along, adding more, going off on side tangents to make it better, cleaner, more interesting, useful, or needed? The options are endless. And then, seemingly out of nowhere, you start to feel like you just need to hold your head in your hands and make it all go away?
You might have just sped into feeling stuck.
When it happens to me, sometimes I think I’ll just work right through, ignoring my sense of overwhelm (as if I could), and somehow get back on track. But then I just end up feeling worse. I figure it must be a common thing because there are so many metaphors for it: treading water, spinning my wheels, swimming through mud, flailing about, running in circles, getting nowhere fast. Notice each metaphor is about fast movement going nowhere. That’s exactly what it feels like.
Overwhelm feels like running in circles: Lots of action but no progress.
In my case, to break out of overwhelm, I need to stop everything. Fewer options are better. I need two things to choose from, and no more. I start with my physical sensations and ask myself: What do I need first, to drink water or breathe? And that’s it. Yes music might relax me and meditation might zen me out. But I need just two options for now. I choose water. Cold water shifts something in me more than focusing on my breathing. Maybe it shifts something in you too. No ice, no lemon, no heating for tea, just cold tap water for me.
Pick from two options
For you it might be needing to move your body physically, or smelling lavender or lemon. Anything that gives your mind a break is the right thing for you.
Walking the dog
Jumping jacks
Singing or dancing
Eating something crunchy like celery dunked in peanut butter
Even watching a kitten video
This is usually enough to break the spell, giving space before figuring out where to go next.
Back to the larger project (no looking at tangents at this point) or a bigger, more impactful break? Again, just two options. If I’m still feeling stuck and overwhelmed I try really hard to accept that and give myself what I need. I can close my eyes and just check in with my emotions, physical sensations, and try to notice what my body and mind are trying to tell me.
Messengers
Do I feel tightness anywhere? Frustration or dis-ease?
A friend once told me that emotions are just messengers trying to get us to pay attention to something we need. I believe it.
If I truly feel relieved after my break, I’ll go back to the project. But I try to remember we are, each of us, the only person who knows what’s going on with our own body and our own emotions. We need check in periodically, to give ourselves permission to do something else if the feeling of overwhelm comes back, and to continue on when we’re ready.
Like walking a stone path
Back to the project or idea or task, you can look at it with fresh eyes. Mapping it out, making an outline or sketch, or listing components can help. That makes a visible path, without tangents, and also helps make the project more concrete and less abstract in your mind. There’s time later, there’s always time, to revise the plan. But getting it out on paper feels like forward movement. It’s progress. And when you have forward movement, overwhelm turns to satisfaction and a sense of accomplishment.
What do you do when you feel overwhelmed or stuck? Post below or email me at robin@balanceinsight.com
Thanks for reading.
Is it Stress or Anxiety? And what can you do?
Stress and anxiety have lots of similarities. Both can keep you up at night. Both can cause headaches, stomach aches, and other body sensations. Both can make you quick to anger, yell at your kids, or long to veg out in front of the TV or your Facebook news feed.
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Stress and anxiety have lots of similarities. Both can keep you up at night. Both can cause headaches, stomach aches, and other body sensations. Both can make you lose your appetite or plow through all the comfort food in your kitchen. Both can make you quick to anger, yell at your kids, or long to veg out in front of the TV or your Facebook news feed.
So, what’s the difference between stress and anxiety?
The biggest difference is that stress is a response to something happening now or in the future. It can be something you might think of as good, like a new job, moving into your dream house, marriage, vacation, or childbirth. It can also come from things we think are negative like like money issues, illness, layoff or firing, death, divorce. It can last for some time, but generally gets better once the stressor is gone – when you’ve been at the new job long enough to know your role and tasks, or when you get to your vacation spot and settle in, or when the divorce is final and you find yourself feeling relieved.
And why does it matter?
It matters because stress is more temporary and there are many things you can do to help. Anxiety lingers long after the stressful event is over and causes more disruption to health, outlook, and life (more on that in another blog post).
Here are some common symptoms of stress to add to those above:
Worries and fear about current or future events or possibilities
Feeling agitated or restless
Easily tired
Having muscle tension, especially in the neck and shoulders
Irritable or angry outbursts without cause
Difficulty concentrating or making decisions
Spinning thoughts that are hard to turn off
Trouble getting to or staying asleep
None of these is easy but you can learn to manage your symptoms of stress.
You can meditate and focus on rhythmic breathing, exercise to loosen tight muscles, sing an upbeat song, loudly and while dancing around, call a friend to vent or share, talk to your pets. You can read something absorbing or funny, take a bath with candles and music, or go for a walk out in nature.
If none of these ideas work, your feelings and symptoms haven’t lessened over time, and the event is long past, you might have anxiety instead of stress. If you think you need more help than these suggestions, or think it’s too big to manage alone, seek a counselor who can help you.
You deserve, we all deserve, to feel peace and contentment.
What do you do to relieve stress? I’d love to hear your solutions. Post your ideas below or email me at robin@balanceinsight.com and let me know if I can include them in another blog.
Thanks for reading.
Where do you hold stress?
Where do you hold your stress? Your belly? Your head? Your neck and shoulders?
When you’re stressed you might notice you hunch your shoulders up toward your ears, giving you pain in your neck or upper back. You might tighten your jaw, grind your teeth, or feel weepy.
The most important thing is that you notice. Then you can release it.
Is it in your belly? Your head? Your neck and shoulders?
I tend to hold stress and tension in my belly – almost like a punched muscle.
When you’re stressed you might notice you hunch your shoulders up toward your ears, giving you pain in your neck or upper back.
You might tighten your jaw, grind your teeth, or feel weepy.
The most important thing is that you notice. If you don’t know you are stressed, it’s hard to release it.
Try the activity below – Progressive Muscle Relaxation - to notice and release any stress held in your body. For best results, please:
- Keep exhales longer than inhales, slow and deep
- Scanning is nothing more than going inward and noticing
- When you get to tensing and releasing, repeat each area or muscle group 2 or 3 times.
- Take cleansing breaths after each muscle group, before moving to the next.
- Read it through once and then try it from memory – aim for feeling better, not following steps to perfection.
If you’d rather hear this instead of reading, download Stress Release Progressive Muscle Relaxation.
Here we go:
- Get comfortably seated.
Sit in a comfortable chair, feet resting gently on the floor.
Sit up straight without rigidity and take a few slow deep breaths, with exhales longer than inhales. - When you’re ready, scan your body slowly.
Close your eyes slightly, so your lids are just touching.
Starting at the top of your head and moving slowly and methodically down to your feet, just notice how your body feels.
Do you notice any areas of pain, prickling, cold, heat? Pressure, constriction, or anything at all? - Now pause your scanning and take a few deep breaths again. In and out, with exhales longer than inhales.
- Next, tense and release muscles, slowly and methodically working feet to head, and breathing slowly throughout, with deep cleansing breaths after each area of your body.
- Beginning with your feet, scrunch them up, toes either splayed out or curled in, ankles rigid and tight.
- And release, relax, and visualize warm limp muscles. Repeat at least one more time – tensing and clenching, then releasing.
- Deep cleansing breaths - again with long exhales.
- Now, moving up - calves and shins, knees, thighs and glutes. Slowly and with intention, one muscle group or body area at a time, tensing and then releasing, at least two times.
- Breathing warmth and love in, and pressure, stress, and tension out.
- Moving up, to your belly and chest, lower back, spine, and upper back.
- Cleansing breaths and then repeat again.
- Now shoulders and arms, elbows, wrists, and hands. Repeat each area, with calm breaths in between.
- Work up to your neck, jaw, forehead, and crown, breathing deeply between each area of your body – repeating again, each area.
- With your eyes still gently closed, notice the ground under your feet, your back against the chair, and the sounds in the room. Come peacefully back to awareness of your surroundings and open your eyes when you’re ready.
If you try this exercise daily - a few days in a row, you’ll start to feel like jello or floaty air when you just think of doing it. If you haven’t the time, just try it whenever you like. Once again, if you’d rather listen instead, download the audio file.
And, as always, I'm here.
If you need more than a relaxation activity, email me to schedule a free telephone consultation, where we can talk about how to reduce stress. You can also reach me in my West Seattle counseling office at Balance InSight, 206-790-7270.