Stomach in Knots?

If you get a tight stomach even thinking about attending seasonal family reunions, here are some tips to loosen the knots.

Arrive well rested and well fed

It’s harder to manage your emotions when you’re tired and hungry. Even though the gathering might center around food, don’t starve yourself thinking you can eat with everyone else. Eat something hearty and nutritious, like a cheese sandwich, a bean soup, or even veggie sticks dipped in hummus, before you leave your house.

Have a support person

Make sure you have an adult who has your back. Bring a partner, friend, or adult child who can be your support. Tell them upfront what your fears are and make up a signal for “come distract me right now,” or “get me outta here,” or “quick reassure me I’m not the middle child anymore.” Just knowing this person is here for you can make the difference between simmering feelings and a pleasant time, or a pleasant time and rekindled bonds.

Accept what is

Don’t pick the family reunion to confront anyone, teach anyone, or show anyone anything. With expectations of “perfect” holidays, know that real holidays are just regular days, with rules, traditions, and hopes of magic heaped onto them. This isn’t the day your mother and aunt will finally get along if they haven’t gotten along before. This isn’t the time to finally speak up to your dad about how he wasn’t there for you. For now, accept them as they are – with imperfections and flaws. Accept yourself as you are, and know that you can have that confrontation at a later date of your choosing. You can try to bring your mom and aunt closer – if you really must – later.

Don’t overthink the things

Tangible things like food and gifts you give are just that - things. If the pie boils over, so be it. I promise the pie eaters in the family will still eat it. If your gift for your brother-in-law falls flat, he knows how you feel about him anyway. If you care for him, he already knows it, and doesn’t mind about the gift. If you can’t stand the sight of him, he already knows that too. If your holiday clothes don’t look as good as you thought they would, I promise it’s alright. The good thing about family is they already know you. If they are normally impressed by your dress, they’ll still be impressed by your dress, and if not, what you wear this holiday won’t change their opinion.

Have a plan

If you fear strife, you can role-play possible scenarios and their resolution. Imagine a possible tough time, like grandma and Uncle Bob fighting over politics and drinks. What can you do? Play it through in your mind all the way to the finish – you ignore them. Or you ask them to stop and they do. Or you ask them to stop and they don’t, then what? Do you leave? Do you ignore? Play it out.

Also, plan your getaway. Sometimes just knowing you’ve given yourself permission to leave whenever you want makes staying possible. If you’re riding with others, make sure they are in on the plan and agree to your getaway terms. Or drive yourself.

Use moderation

If you plan to drink alcohol, try to drink in moderation. It’s harder to manage difficult emotions when alcohol has lowered your inhibitions. If you need alcohol to confront someone or make them see how wrong they are, reread the paragraph on accepting what is, and wait for another time. If your sister knows it all, take her in small doses. Enjoy her as you can but, before you feel like pulling out your hair, veer off to another conversation or find a quiet spot to meditate.

Leave while the going is good

Finally, if you start to get tired – physically or emotionally – say your goodbyes. In fact, before you get tired – start saying your goodbyes. You don’t need to stay until the very end. It’s OK to leave whenever you want, even if everything is going well. You’re saying goodbye to the event, not to your family. Know you can visit them again, one on one – which can be less stressful anyway.

How do you manage family reunions? Comment on what works. I'd love to hear. 

And, as always, I'm here. You can reach me in Issaquah at Balance InSight, 206-790-7270.

Thanks for reading, and be well. ~ Robin

Alone for the holidays? Then this is for you

Whether this is your first holiday alone, or your twentieth, it’s likely you will experience uncomfortable feelings, especially if you attempt to follow the same traditions and typical activities as you celebrated with others.

Your feelings depend on your why

If the reason for your solitude has to do with estrangement or death, you might be left with a profound sense of loss and isolation. What could have been can never be again. Know that your feelings are completely normal – whatever they are: grief, anger, loss, or other.

If holidays with others are generally energy zapping because you are highly sensitive person or introverted, you might feel a mixture relief and sadness. You may feel relieved you won’t be around groups of people, and you may experience sadness at missing people anyway. You may even have anger at yourself or others that you feel somehow “different.” Again, these feelings and any others, are normal and to be expected.

Even if you are separated from others during the holidays for a positive reason – such as a new baby or a long awaited move to a dream location – you will still experience some feelings you may not expect, such as boredom or disappointment, if your days are normally filled with group activities.

Your feelings are normal and ok

If you find any “shoulds” popping up, they only exacerbate the problem. For example: If you think you should be over your partner’s death by now, you have to deal with the feelings of loss that you have, plus believing you are somehow bad or wrong for having the feelings. Emotions are easier to manage and work through if they are welcomed or at least accepted as normal.

Read on for some possible – no shoulds here – ways to pass the time, survive and thrive, and/or absorb some holiday joy.

Plan new activities you can do alone or with others

These can be holiday related, or not – whatever your feeds your soul. You might enjoy visiting a house of worship - church, synagogue, temple, mosque, or pagoda - whether or not you are a member. Simply call ahead to find a good fit, openness to your presence there, and a schedule for events and hours. The sense that you are part something bigger than yourself can inspire pure awe. Or you might find pleasure in television season binging – watching each episode in a season of a television series on DVD or a subscription service like Netflix or Hulu.

Many museums, theatres, zoos, and aquariums offer programs you can gift yourself. For example, our local musical theatre venue offers a discount for both matinee showings and blocks of three or more productions. And, our local aquarium offers free guided evening beach tours throughout the winter months.

If you enjoy travel, make a big deal of it and take a vacation somewhere you wouldn’t otherwise have time to go. Travel on holidays is often less expensive than before and after. A flight on Thanksgiving Day, for example, can cost 24% less for Asia to 31% less for South America, according to Kayak, and single seats are much easier to find than multiples.

Host a party

Invite others who don’t want to spend the holidays alone. Think of friends and coworkers you like; many singles and families consider themselves alone if they have no extended family, and they are likely to feel relief at being invited for a gathering and some fun. Depending on your interests, you could host a meal; a group walk in nature – say in the snow or on a blustery beach; or an activity like an ice-skating party or a show.

Perhaps you’d like to have a potluck dinner, or a moveable feast. A potluck – for those who don’t know, is simply a meal where all who partake bring something to share with others. Some are elaborate with multiple main courses and desserts, while others are simple snacks and drinks. You can decide how much or how little energy to spend on this. Another meal idea is something called a moveable feast. For this, all who are included pick one course to make and host at their own house. The group starts at the first course (or salad or wherever you decide to begin). When everyone has finished, the group – including the host of that first course – travels to the home of the second course. Play continues through to dessert or coffee or where ever you decide to end. A benefit of this is getting to know one another better and bonding along the way.

Volunteer

A good way to get out of your head for a bit is to do something in service of others. That can include volunteering at a pet shelter where pets might get less attention due to staff and customers taking time away. Or a homeless shelter, where you could bring books, serve a meal, or just visit with people who are often invisible to others. Or a nature clean-up, like a beach or park.

If you need help finding where you’re needed and what you might enjoy, try an internet search of “volunteers needed” or “volunteer opportunities.” I found more than 20 pages on the words “volunteers needed.” Understand you don’t need to go anywhere you might be uncomfortable. Surely, there is a group of people, animals, or an environmental cause, that will feel rewarding and fun. Pick a place that excites you when you think of it, research options, needs, and requirements online, and then give them a call. Agencies and the environment both need you, and feeling needed can cut through feeling lost or alone.

Be still

If these ideas don’t bring you joy, quieter activities like meditation might bring you peace. Several meditation centers offer free places to learn or practice meditation. For example, Vipassana Meditation Centers hold 10-day silent meditation training retreats. Room and board are free although donations of time, grounds keeping, sewing, or money are accepted, if you choose to offer after your first 10 days.

Reach out

If your emotions feel too deep or too big, and you think you might want support, contact a therapist who can help you work them through.

Share your thoughts

What do you do for the holidays? I’d love to hear. Post below and I’ll reply.

And, as always, I'm here. You can reach me in Issaquah at Balance InSight, 206-790-7270.

Thanks for reading, and be well. ~ Robin

Your ideal holiday – You CAN have it and here's how!

Most of us are prone to high – if unrealistic – expectations and stress around the holiday season or about events on the specific holidays we celebrate. If you are someone who fits into this group with me, you might also worry your holiday might be disappointing or painful. Do you know what you are hoping for? Specifically?

It’s likely some aspects of your dream holiday are quite possible, but how will you know when they’ve come true? It’s simple:

Define your day. Make it so. Let it go.

Start by imagining your perfect day of the season. Perhaps it’s a day of self-care: healthy foods and meditation, followed by shopping and a meal with friends, dinner at home, and slippers and tea at night.

Perhaps it’s Christmas day: French toast and juice, stockings, travel to the in-laws’, a hearty meal, and kids sleeping in the car on the way home.

Define your day: If you can imagine it, you can make it (or at least key components of it) so.

Imagine: Close your eyes and breathe calmly for a few minutes. Next, imagine how your day begins, using all your senses. Is the house cool or warm when you awaken? Are you making coffee? What does that smell like? Any sounds? The spoon scraping the bowl of your oatmeal? The music in the background? What happens next? And then what? See yourself going through your ideal day, chronologically as you would in real life. Take your time and involve all your senses as much as possible. This can take five minutes or 105 minutes. There is no “correct” way of doing it and there is no “correct” amount of time.

Or

If you can’t “see” it, maybe you can sketch it. Roughly - or with precision, your choice – sketch out the main parts of your ideal day. You can draw a chronological series of events, the way graphic novels are drawn. Maybe your dog is waking you in the morning. Sketch that.  Is it snowing when you get up? Draw that.

Or

If speaking is more your thing, try a speech to text app on your phone or computer. Or just record your thoughts and ideas about your ideal holiday and how it plays out, to listen to it later. Again, involve all your senses in your description.

Pay attention to how you feel physically and emotionally, in your body and your heart. You will notice pieces that make you feel warm, perhaps smiling while thinking. That’s a cue to you that it’s an important component of your ideal holiday and something to manifest in reality.

Make it so: Include important pieces of what you imagined.

Something that makes me feel a sense of peace is thinking about taking a drive to see Christmas lights in people’s yards. So this would be a component I want to make sure to include when I plan my holiday events. It’s within my power to make this happen = good choice.

Something else that’s part of my ideal day is opening the doors of an advent calendar with my husband. This is also in my control, and I know I need to buy or make an advent calendar before December 1st.

If you find satisfaction telling your children the story of their first holiday or hosting wrapping or baking parties. What can you do, that is in your power, to make this happen?

Let it go: Leave out pieces beyond your control.

Let go of tasks and events that don’t bring you joy, don’t create joy for others, are more work than the potential joy they may deliver, or that just don’t fit in your ideal day. If that means spending a holiday away from family, read “Alone for the holidays,” for help managing and celebrating that.

Let others off the hook. You cannot control them. You can’t change their actions or moods. If you need something from them, and it’s part of your ideal day, you can ask them. But remember, their ideal day is probably not the same as yours.

Following the guidelines above, you can have a holiday closer to your dreams.

Define your day. Make it so. Let it go.

 If your emotions feel too deep or too big, and you think you might want support during this holiday season, contact a therapist who can help you work them through.

What’s your ideal holiday day like? I’d love to hear. Post below and I’ll reply.

And, as always, I'm here. You can reach me in Seattle at Balance InSight, 206-790-7270.

Thanks for reading, and be well. ~ Robin

How to celebrate Father’s Day when your father is undeserving

With Father's Day right around the corner, here is a repost of blog on how to manage the holiday with a, shall we say, less than loving father. Celebrating YOU!

~ Robin

We all have less than perfect parents. We, ourselves, are less than perfect parents. Maybe we are involved in our children’s education and attend all school and sporting events. We also get frustrated, exasperated, and act out. We yell too often, expect too much, or are inconsistent with rules and our child’s behavior. Less than perfect is good enough. Well-respected developmental theorist Donald Winnicott states that within a secure relationship, being a good enough mother (later changed to include fathers and other caregivers), one who is less than perfect, actually facilitates children’s learning independence, forgiveness, self-reliance, and an understanding of the dependability of love. Less than perfect does not equal undeserving of the title. In my mind, undeserving covers parents who rape or sexually assault their children, subject them to horror or horrific neglect or abuse, sell or give their (the children’s) bodies to others. I’m not talking about a parent who makes a mistake. I’m referring to parents who take pleasure in harming their children’s minds, souls, and bodies.

Father’s Day is coming and, as with many holidays, we are asked to celebrate someone, to thank them, to acknowledge their gifts of love, time, and care we received from them. We are enculturated to believe family is family, the bond is unbreakable, and we’re always there for one another. We grow up hearing we must respect our parents – they raised us after all. We owe them. However, the truth is some families don’t fit the description of a loving bonded unit. In some families the children aren’t or weren’t protected, loved, or cared for. What then? You’ve survived your childhood; must you now celebrate those whom you survived in spite of?

The short answer is NO. There are other, greatly deserving, loving people you can celebrate. There are other ways to get through days of obligatory adoration of individuals who are not present or ought not be celebrated. The first thing to do is make a plan. Make choices. Consciously choose. Otherwise, you may find yourself saddened, disappointed, and isolating. A better way is to make a plan.

• Choose who to celebrate The father in Father’s Day need not be your father. Is there a father figure you love, maybe an uncle or family friend who nurtured you? If you have children, their father can be celebrated. Do you have a father-in-law who treats you well? A brother with children? A friend’s father? What about you? As a mother, are you also the de facto father to your children? Are you a parent of a pet?

• Choose to honor yourself It’s also alright to simply honor yourself, your growth, and your existence in the world today. Honor the child you, growing into the woman you. Honor your strength, resiliency, and sassiness. Honor your grief, what wasn’t, what should have been. Sit with you, and the sadness that was or is, and the spark of hope that can be. But mostly honor you.

• Choose how to celebrate There are many ways to celebrate. Sending a card or flowers, having a meal together, or throwing a party are just a few. Spending time in nature, or a picnic on the living room floor, in the park, or at the beach. For those without young children, an evening of dinner and a movie or a club might be fun. It doesn’t matter what you do, so long as you plan to do something. If you are alone, that something can be a sappy movie and a big bowl of popcorn laying on your bed. The most important thing is to have a plan.

• Choose to revel and reflect that you celebrated in a way that is meaningful for you Try to spend some time praising your creativity and resourcefulness at managing a difficult holiday. Meditate on your survival abilities and inner spunk that got you where you are today. Find joy in something, anything that nurtures your spirit today. You made it! You’re the you you are today, because you made it. You are deserving of all that is good. And if you don’t believe it, and can’t possibly tell yourself that truth, find someone who believes it enough for both of you. A friend, sibling, or partner. Or seek out a therapist, to help you believe in you and find your joy.

And as always, I'm here. You can reach me in Issaquah at Balance InSight, 206-790-7270.

Thanks for reading, and be well. ~ Robin