How far do you want to go (grow)?

It's pretty hard, maybe even impossible, to go where you want to go right now.

You want to keep away from Covid-spreading events, keep your distance, and heck many of us barely leave the house. We have groceries delivered, we work online, and we even attend doctor appointments online. There is very little that leads us to leave our homes.

That said, there are things you can do to go and grow. Imagine you are somewhere cozy or exciting. In nature or on the road.

Where will you be?

Some people wear masks while hiking or biking, but in the Pacific Northwest winter is just now ending so unless you’re a hardcore sportswoman, the snow, rain, and freezing temperatures might have prevented this in the recent past. But now the crocuses are blooming! Spring is nearing. And walks, hikes, and rides are much more possible.

Some people go for drives. Pack up some snacks and a mug of coffee or kombucha and head toward the coast, the hills, or Snoqualmie Falls. It can be quite soothing to get a change of scenery.

Some of us get lost in faraway books on audible, going to old Chicago’s World’s Fair in The Devil in the White City or traveling old Asia Minor, Detroit, and San Francisco in Middlesex.

And some people take to the road in RVs like Camille and Bryce, Kelly Beasley, or Gary and Stacey in RV Nomads on YouTube, or Robin Barrett who wrote Be a Nomad Change Your Life, or like me. I travel the country, safely viewing the Grand Canyon in a mask away from other people, camping in Yellowstone with bison bumping my motorhome, and cruising along the Trail of the Ancients in Utah.

It’s not the same as freely wearing no mask and going anywhere you like, for a breath of fresh air, visiting friends, sitting in a pub or fine restaurant. But it brings me a sense of resilience and health and confidence.

How far will you go?

How far do you want to grow?

I provide EMDR and therapy to my Washington clients online from my camper, helping them work through their traumas, anxiety, anger, and distress to build their resilience and see their true, unbroken, growing selves.

Contact me for a free consultation, where we can see if I’m the right fit for you, and give you some tips to get you feeling whole again.

Feeling exhausted?

This time, right now, is one of the hardest in generations. It’s normal, you are normal, for feeling incredibly tired. As women during Covid, we are tasked with more and more of the heavy lifting.

In addition to homeschooling, working from home, and managing the bulk of keeping our house running, we're also coping with increased health anxiety, isolation, frustration with those who refuse to mask up when we need to go for groceries.

Ours were the jobs more likely to be lost or cut back this past year. According to the National Women’s Law Center, 100% of jobs lost (140,000) in December 2020 were women’s. This unemployment will add to the gender pay gap going forward - another worry for our future.

If we have children still at home, online schooling and/or homeschooling generally falls to us, since we tend to be the primary caregiver of our kids. This means figuring out how to teach, how to manage lessons, how to get our kids to do the work, and how to keep it all together so this new weird school we are so sick and tired of doesn’t increase the friction of quite literally never ever being apart during quarantine.

We are also, of course, the primary housekeeper, because hey, we’re at home so we should have time. And then we see our social media friends designing home improvements, baking bread from scratch, and crocheting blankets for anyone and everyone.

While we’re doing all this, we’re coping with worry about our health, our family’s health, and that of our parents and grandparents. If following protocols, we haven’t seen or touched our parents in over a year! We can’t go to the library or concert or movie house. We are stuck in a box either alone craving touch, or with our family craving space apart. If we pick up our groceries in person, no doubt we’ll encounter at least one person making a statement by not wearing a mask, potentially infecting us all.

The fear and worry are thick. As for me, I feel like every cell in my body is tired. Weepy tired. The only solution is rest. Rest without guilt.

Stomach in Knots?

If you get a tight stomach even thinking about attending seasonal family reunions, here are some tips to loosen the knots.

Arrive well rested and well fed

It’s harder to manage your emotions when you’re tired and hungry. Even though the gathering might center around food, don’t starve yourself thinking you can eat with everyone else. Eat something hearty and nutritious, like a cheese sandwich, a bean soup, or even veggie sticks dipped in hummus, before you leave your house.

Have a support person

Make sure you have an adult who has your back. Bring a partner, friend, or adult child who can be your support. Tell them upfront what your fears are and make up a signal for “come distract me right now,” or “get me outta here,” or “quick reassure me I’m not the middle child anymore.” Just knowing this person is here for you can make the difference between simmering feelings and a pleasant time, or a pleasant time and rekindled bonds.

Accept what is

Don’t pick the family reunion to confront anyone, teach anyone, or show anyone anything. With expectations of “perfect” holidays, know that real holidays are just regular days, with rules, traditions, and hopes of magic heaped onto them. This isn’t the day your mother and aunt will finally get along if they haven’t gotten along before. This isn’t the time to finally speak up to your dad about how he wasn’t there for you. For now, accept them as they are – with imperfections and flaws. Accept yourself as you are, and know that you can have that confrontation at a later date of your choosing. You can try to bring your mom and aunt closer – if you really must – later.

Don’t overthink the things

Tangible things like food and gifts you give are just that - things. If the pie boils over, so be it. I promise the pie eaters in the family will still eat it. If your gift for your brother-in-law falls flat, he knows how you feel about him anyway. If you care for him, he already knows it, and doesn’t mind about the gift. If you can’t stand the sight of him, he already knows that too. If your holiday clothes don’t look as good as you thought they would, I promise it’s alright. The good thing about family is they already know you. If they are normally impressed by your dress, they’ll still be impressed by your dress, and if not, what you wear this holiday won’t change their opinion.

Have a plan

If you fear strife, you can role-play possible scenarios and their resolution. Imagine a possible tough time, like grandma and Uncle Bob fighting over politics and drinks. What can you do? Play it through in your mind all the way to the finish – you ignore them. Or you ask them to stop and they do. Or you ask them to stop and they don’t, then what? Do you leave? Do you ignore? Play it out.

Also, plan your getaway. Sometimes just knowing you’ve given yourself permission to leave whenever you want makes staying possible. If you’re riding with others, make sure they are in on the plan and agree to your getaway terms. Or drive yourself.

Use moderation

If you plan to drink alcohol, try to drink in moderation. It’s harder to manage difficult emotions when alcohol has lowered your inhibitions. If you need alcohol to confront someone or make them see how wrong they are, reread the paragraph on accepting what is, and wait for another time. If your sister knows it all, take her in small doses. Enjoy her as you can but, before you feel like pulling out your hair, veer off to another conversation or find a quiet spot to meditate.

Leave while the going is good

Finally, if you start to get tired – physically or emotionally – say your goodbyes. In fact, before you get tired – start saying your goodbyes. You don’t need to stay until the very end. It’s OK to leave whenever you want, even if everything is going well. You’re saying goodbye to the event, not to your family. Know you can visit them again, one on one – which can be less stressful anyway.

How do you manage family reunions? Comment on what works. I'd love to hear. 

And, as always, I'm here. You can reach me in Issaquah at Balance InSight, 206-790-7270.

Thanks for reading, and be well. ~ Robin

The 10 most common questions I get asked about counseling

Counseling, if you've never been, can feel scary to consider.

People often wait until their feelings or problems cause them to have more pain than joy in their life before calling for help. One reason for that is they don't know what to expect from psychotherapy. So here are some of the most common questions they ask and how I answer.

1. Is here something wrong with me?

The short answer is no. There is likely nothing “wrong” with you.

People seek out counseling for a variety of reasons. Some want help with productivity at work. Some want to feel happier. Some want to learn why they do certain things or think certain ways. Some want help with decision-making. Some want help smoothing out a relationship. I like to compare counseling and psychotherapy to any other healthy change. If you want to build up your stamina, you might take up jogging or other aerobic exercise. If you want to create art, you might take a class. If you want to feel closer to your partner, you might schedule date nights. And, yes, if you want to learn why you get stomachaches and headaches after a fight, you might come see me.

2. How do I know if counseling will work?

The short answer is if you want to learn, change, or practice something about yourself, if will work.

The longer answer is that different people fit better with different types of counselors – male or female, spiritual or secular, client centered or theory oriented. Therapy will work best if your counselor is one with whom you fit well. In fact, research shows the relationship between client and counselor is at least as great a predictor of the success of therapy as any other aspect, including the type of therapy (EMDR, solution-focused, CBT, or other) and the therapist’s education level (Norcross, 2011).

The other piece, though, is that if you want your counseling to change someone else, it’s not that simple. You can only change you. Your therapy can change the way you interact with others, which could change their behavior, but it’s not a straight line from your therapy to their change.

3. How do I know if it’s working?

If you are meeting goals you set, or making progress toward meeting goals you set, it's working.

A good therapist will work with you to set goals. What do you want from counseling? Where do you hope to be in 3 months, 6 months, a year? Some counselors use “the miracle question:" Say you went to sleep one night, and while you were sleeping, a miracle happened to make your life exactly how you want it. But, you were asleep so you didn’t know that miracle had happened. The only way you would know is by what you saw, heard, did, or felt when you woke up. What would you notice that was different?

Then you take time every month or couple of months to review your goals. Are you getting closer to getting the job you want? Are you yelling at your spouse less and feeling closer? Are you feeling lighter, freer, more confident? If the answer is yes, counseling is working.

If the answer is no, a good therapist will help you by changing up the focus or frequency of counseling, learning whether goals set are attainable as is or need to be broken down, or if there is some other reason for lack of progress meeting them.

4. What happens if it’s not working?

Short answer: We shake it up.

Longer answer: In addition to the last paragraph in number 3 above, your counselor, with your agreement, might suggest adding in some EMDR, play therapy, art therapy, narrative therapy, or other method to mix it up a bit. I might add homework or reading assignments for the time between sessions.

And one other thing. You and your counselor might look at your relationship. Have you built trust, warmth, and mutual respect? See number 2 above.

5. Do I have to tell you everything?

Nope.

You don’t need to tell what you don’t want to tell. If you and your counselor allow your story to naturally unfold, in its own time, your relationship (see how I did that) will become more solid, trusting, and therapeutic than if you run down a long list of events from your life. Your counselor will have given you forms to sign that define the limit of what they will do with the information you give. That said, the more open you can be, over time, the more help you will receive.

6. How long will it take?

I’m not sure yet.

Because every person is unique, and every issue affecting every person is unique, it’s impossible to know how much time is needed to resolve problems. However, you should know by the fourth or fifth weekly session if counseling is helping. If counseling is every two weeks, of course, progress will be cut by more than half. This is because we spend more time catching up instead of just continuing on from last session. So at the rate of every two weeks, it will probably take more than twice as long to see complete healing and achieve your goals.

Just like when you take a class, if you go every week, you have 6 days to practice and/or forget what you learned. If you attend every other week, there is more time for other competing forces to get you sidetracked. Understand that some therapists and clients work even better in longer sessions though. The best way to figure out what will work best for you and how long that will take is by goal setting (see above), monitoring progress made toward your goals (again, above), and communicating with your therapist along the way.

7. How does it end?

By termination.

Termination is the word therapists use to describe the end of therapy. Shortly after beginning therapy, a good therapist will start planning for termination. Not because they want to be rid of you, but because no one deserves to have to be in therapy forever. The way to plan for termination is by reviewing the goals (again with the goals), and progress made. If you come to a therapist like me, for anxiety, you don’t want to keep on coming to me for years, with that same level of anxiety. That means something’s not working and we need to change something up (number 4 above).

When your stated goals are close to being met, or you are satisfied with your progress you are making toward them, you and I will talk about next steps. That could look like ending therapy, adding new goals, coming less often, or something else that suits your needs. We’ll review your progress, how far you’ve come, and all your tools and strengths you have acquired to help with any future needs you might have. I will also tell you it’s OK to call and come back some later time if you feel the need. We might have a celebration if that’s something you want. Or we might have a quiet goodbye with the knowledge that you are now stronger or you were always strong but now you know it. Let me say again, you deserve to have a finish point for the current issues.

Another way it can end, although this is less ideal, is for you to just stop coming. You are the client and you may choose to end therapy at any time, of course. The reason it isn’t ideal is that there is no wrapping up, reviewing strengths and supports, no sending off, or setting off with your bag of tools. Goodbyes can be hard but they are important, part of the cycle of life, and good learning.

8. I just want someone to tell me what to do. Why won’t you do that?

Some therapists will. I won’t and here’s why.

I don’t tell clients what to do because, no matter how much you may want it, I’m not the one who is hurt if it doesn’t turn out the way I think it will. I’m not the one who feels your pain (although I will likely feel pain for you). Also, I believe you have the answers inside you. You’ve already done something that worked in a different situation. I’m here to show it to you, help you rediscover what’s inside.

I will help you see options, learn about potential pitfalls and advantages, consider impacts and ripple effects. Like it or hate it, you have free will. And I will support your choices and the learning that comes from those choices.

9. What do you do with the information you learn about me?

I keep it private and use it to understand you better.

State and federal confidentiality laws, the Health Information Portability and Accountability Act (HIPAA), and the National Association of Social Work Ethics prevent me from sharing your information. There are exceptions in a few circumstances like abuse of a child or fragile adult, threats to self or others, and to provide for coordination of care in emergencies. Then I share the minimum amount possible.

“Mostly, the information, your story, that you choose to share with me, I hold sacred because it is a piece of you. I value your information the way I value you. It is a gift that helps me determine how to work with you, what might help you, what to avoid until you get stronger.”

10. My husband, partner, parent, child needs counseling. What should I do?

Ask them if they would like to talk to someone.

You know your husband, partner, parent, child. If you believe they will be reluctant to come to therapy alone, you might ask them to come with you. You might start the conversation slowly, by simply noticing aloud that they seem less happy than usual, more stressed, are having trouble sleeping, or whatever is true for them and for you. You might give them this article to read, and ask if they’d like to call me with questions or for a free telephone consultation. You can show them my web site www.balanceinsight.com

And you might remind them that what they tell me is confidential (see number 9 above). Just like what you tell me. Therapy is a safe place.

What questions do you have? Email me and I'll answer in another blog post.

When feelings feel physical

 “It’s all in your head.”

“You need to get over it.”

 “Just ignore it and move on.”

How often do we say this to people who feel depressed or anxious?

Well, we’ve all heard of people heading for the Emergency Room with chest pain and learning it was a panic attack. This is because panic has a profoundly physical part of it that can make it hard to function. Imagine how hard would be to ignore severe chest pain. This is what’s being asked when folks tell people with anxiety and panic to just get over it. Many feelings and mental health disruptions can show up as physical health issues. Check with your doctor to rule out things like heart attacks, stomach ulcers, and brain or neurological problems, of course, but once those are ruled out, look for a mood or psychological issue (feelings or thoughts) that could be helped with counseling.

Imagine, or maybe you’ve already felt it, the amount of pain involved to send you to the hospital. All the parts of us are connected so it makes sense that depression, anxiety, and trauma can cause physical symptoms. If you get frequent stomach aches, headaches, or even just feel unwell or less healthy, this can be due to either a physical injury or illness, or a mental one.

Not sure about the connection between psychological and physical feelings? Try this little experiment: Bring something to mind that makes you feel angry – a memory, assumption, future meeting with someone. Sit with that thought or memory for a few minutes and notice if there’s a place in your body that feels pain or other physical sensations. For me, it’s my head. If I’m really angry my head sometimes aches. I know, most of us get headaches on occasion. I’m not saying they are always due to anger or other emotion - but sometimes mine are.

Now bring up a memory or future event that causes you fear. Where do you feel it in your body. Some people feel heavy limbs, stomach aches, or a sore throat.

Now try it with sadness, again sitting with the thought or memory for a few minutes. Pay attention to your body and where your sadness lives. Do you feel a heavy chest, a sharp stomach ache, something else?

And lastly, think of something or some time you felt joy. The kind of joy that has you jumping, clapping, and maybe even crying for its beauty. How does your body feel? Hollow? Full? Loose? My arms and legs get almost floaty, they become so light.

Bonus, you can try this with other positive feelings to help you improve your mood. Recall something terrific (calming, or safe, or happy), including sounds and smells. Keep it in your mind for more than a few minutes. It really works!

It seems that some pains may truly be in our head, but that’s not a bad thing. If you have unresolved pain, and your doctor can find nothing physically wrong, call me to talk about whether you might want more help. 

Related posts: Where do you hold stress, Mad as hell, Finding the right therapist (anywhere)

Does my kid have anxiety? (And if so, what can I do?)

If you have a child who cries often, is easily frustrated or sullen or angry, has trouble falling asleep or getting up, refuses to engage, or is obstinate, they may have anxiety.

They have outbursts over things that seem small, like a change in schedule or routine, being told no, or having to wait for something. Maybe you go to pick them up from soccer a few minutes late and they yell or cry. You ask them to clean their room and they yell (and show with a limp rag body) that they can’t.

They worry over small things their siblings or others their age wouldn’t, like a missed turn when driving them to school. They are hard on themselves and others, expecting – needing – perfection and predictability in grades, sports, relationships with peers.

They are old enough to tolerate time away from you but cling to home and the familiar. They may be afraid of what ifs that are extremely unlikely to occur (either they haven’t occurred before like a tsunami in Lake Sammamish or a lion walking down Gilman Boulevard, or if they have it was far away like Mt. St. Helens erupting).

These are some of the symptoms of childhood anxiety, which is the most common behavioral, emotional health issue in children and teens.

Whether or not your child has a true anxiety disorder, anxiety, worry, and fear can still hold them back from typical developmental and academic achievements and enjoying family and school.

Here are some ways to lessen your children’s anxiety. Bonus: they’ll help the whole family feel better and connect in fun and learning.

Talking

Not straight out talking about you, like “I’m worried about you,” because the fact that you are worried isn’t the thing, their need is the thing. You want your kid to allow you to see what’s going on without hiding it to keep from worrying you. You want them to be able to come to you, in words or actions, with their troubles and know that you can take it.

You can help. You are a problem solver and you can help. So, you can talk from a place of curiosity and love. Like, “I notice you stressing about school. Anything bugging you?” or “What’s up? Did you think I’d make you late for school when I turned early?”

For some kids, talking can be too intense. Yay for texting and instant messaging. Like talking in the car side by side for adults, texting or IM’ing are less directive or face to face and can make it easier to share and hear what’s shared. I know a woman – no not a client (what my clients tell me is strictly confidential except for danger, harm, and such) – whose son was having trouble and they instant messaged, sometimes from the same room of the house. They also wrote notes on yellow sticky tablets, responding back and forth.

Problems may not be easily solvable, or may need more thinking time, but the act of communicating with your anxious kid lets them know you’re there for them, in support of them, and loving them.

Mindfulness

This is the new thing everyone’s talking about, and it really can be fun and helpful. Listening to soothing music, walking in nature, relaxation techniques, and actual meditation are all forms of mindfulness.

I want to tell you about meditation here. It’s like a vacation for the mind. The easiest way to get started is with something called guided meditation. That’s where someone – a CD, a trusted person, or a counselor – walks them through “going” to a place that’s safe and soothing. Here’s the basic format if you want to do it for your child – if you are their trusted person.

Start comfortably seated in a quiet place. Direct your kid (and do it with them) to take a few long slow breaths, with exhales longer than inhales. Spend some time weaving a story with your kid as the main character, where they go to, spend time in, and then slowly leave their place – reminding them that it’s OK to leave since they can go back anytime they want to relax again.

Ask them to imagine walking to (I always start with them getting to the place rather than being in the place as a way to ease into it) their peaceful place. Ask them to notice sensory items, like the smell of grass or salt water, the sound of the breeze or crackling fire, the feel of fleece or warmth on their skin - depending on where their place is. The more they can feel it, the more relaxed they’ll get. You can ask them to sit, swing, fly, lay in a hammock, or whatever they like, while there.

Keep bringing in their senses. They’ll look around, listen, smell the air or objects there, and notice how light and joyful they feel (use words and senses you know work for them). Eventually, ask them to stand up (in their cozy place) and get ready to walk out the way they came. Again, bring up sights and sounds and such that they’d notice along the way. When they get back to where they started, ask them to look back and say goodbye, knowing they can return when they want peace and comfort; their place will always be there.

Tell them to notice sensory items in the actual room now, the feel of their weight on the sofa or chair, the scent of the dog in the room, or whatever you think of. And when they’re ready, they can slowly open their eyes and come back into the room. Ahhhhhh. Love doing this. They, and your other family members, might just ask you to do it again and again. I have some samples on my help page.

Movement

Movement helps with anxiety - as well as depression and other moods - in a couple of different ways. You’ve heard of runners’ high, right? That good feeling happens because endorphins and other chemicals in the brain are released upon strenuous activity. Exercise also helps us sleep better, which is healing and discussed further below. And anxiety can feel paralyzing but movement, even when it feels impossible to do, pushes that paralysis away. This can be as tiny a movement as walking to the kitchen for pretzels (see food below) or stretching out their back or legs on the living room carpet. Family dance parties get blood flowing and it’s fun to teach your kids the old moves and let them teach you the new stuff.

Food

I’d be neglectful if I didn’t talk about nutrition. We know that good food is the body’s fuel. If your kid is having trouble eating enough good food or is eating too much junk food, make a family goal to add more good stuff while eating less bad stuff. Easier said than done, I know. Some kids need to graze. So, before you say, “no more junk food” make sure to have less-junky food that’s tasty. Cookies can be healthier than candy, especially if you make them at home. Carrot sticks are not very tasty to a Snickers bar eater, but add a yummy dip and you’re increasing good food. A sweet juicy tangerine or banana dipped in almond butter don’t compare to French fries but eat them first and then there’s less stomach room for the fries. Sometimes getting kids involved in food preparation can make a difference. Plus, it gives them a way to have good stuff when you’re not able to prepare it.

Sleep

Sleep is the body’s way to repair and shore up itself. Routines go a long way here. Bed times; night time rituals of bathing, a drink of water, reading in bed, and screens off an hour before; and morning rituals of showers before breakfast, chatting over cocoa or tea, and sharing wishes and hopes for the day all help the body and mind anticipate sleeping and waking. Also, if your kid has trouble falling to sleep, a slice of peanut butter toast or handful of nuts or other protein can help, especially if it becomes part of the routine. Chocolate or anything with caffeine can make it hard to sleep, so try to hold off on these items after dinner.

A little bit more

A meditation book I like is called Sitting Still Like a Frog, by Eline Snell. It comes with a CD and is helpful for kids to about 12, and their families.

For older kids, I like The Anxiety Workbook for Teens: Activities to Help You Deal with Anxiety and Worry, by Lisa Schab. It’s got great activities for 12ish and older.

My help page. I have a couple of meditations and some activities to help with anxiety and other hard things.

Know that with support, they can feel better.

Counseling

If your kid has trouble with fear, worry, or anxiety, or other hard emotions, and you feel like you might need a little bit more help, I offer a free 15-minute telephone consultation to see if I am the right counselor for them. Call or email to schedule a consultation.

I’d love to hear about your experiences. Did you have or do you know someone who had anxiety as a kid? What was helpful for them or for you? I’m always looking for more ways to help and I’d love to add to my anxiety toolbox so thanks for sharing.

PS Did you know you can comment on this blog page with a different name to protect your privacy and the privacy of your child?

How to manage change (with less anxiety)

We are creatures of habit. We have our comfort zone established and even extroverts want that space to return to. So change is understandably hard for most of us, often causing stress or anxiety. I recently moved to a new city, both my family and my counseling practice. Along the way, I learned some things I want to remember, to help me with the next change. Maybe they’ll help you too.

Plan

The biggest piece for me, and the most exciting actually, is the planning. I’m a planner. I love to plan. I love to learn all about the change, in my case the new town I’d be moving to and the new town I’d be working in. I’m in my Zen when I’m planning. I like the Internet so I look online at community pages, city government pages, shopping mall pages. I visit the towns to get local newspapers. I read the help wanted ads, events pages, and grocery store sale pages so I could get a sense of the environment. I look at local schools and read their blog posts to sense how staff relates to each other and children.

As an introvert, I’m not as good at asking others for information but when I do, it’s really helpful. I like to visit the local library, community center, farmer’s market, or church in the new neighborhood and listen to the conversations and vibrations. You can ask people you see what they like about being there. What they wish were different. Also ask around and see if any of your current friends have been to the new town. Take a hike or walk through the neighborhoods and chat with people you meet. The act of walking can lessen stress and increase excitement about the move too.

My next step is setting things up. You can visit the schools and walk through their neighborhoods, maybe talk to the secretary and parents, and then apply to the school that fits your kids best. If the move is easily drivable and you have a religious affiliation, you might start attending church or synagogue in the new town. This will help you have friends by the time you actually move. If you have pets, you may also want to seek out a new veterinary office, walk in and read their bulletin boards, look for cleanliness as well as the kind of environment you feel comfortable in.

When I have plans - even though I know they’ll likely need adjusting - I feel more settled, less anxious, and able to cope with change.

Execute

Now follow the plans you made above, as much as you can.

For changes go as smoothly as possible, as well as dealing with glitches in plans, it helps me to pay attention to my mind and body health. Keep your routines as regular and simple as possible. As much as possible, make sure you eat at your normal times, foods you typically eat, and even add in a few healthy extras like salads, apples with peanut butter, and extra water. If you are a regular meditator, don’t let that slide. If you’re short on time and can’t meditate for long durations, at least try for short meditations at your regular time. The same is true for exercise and fun: if you need to keep them of short duration, so be it, but try not to skip altogether. If you jog, jogging a shorter route is better than not at all. If you have game nights with the kids, but the hour is getting late, play quicker games like twister – a good way to add movement, fun, and reconnection. Moods are important and keeping rituals helps keep our moods healthy and light.

I also try to keep important rituals such as bedtimes, homework, and screen time. Although I may need it more, I try not to add too much mindless TV or other screens. If you have date nights, you’ll need that together time to keep each other strong. The same with family outings and holidays. It’s fine to cut things shorter or simplify them, but eliminating them can make you feel “off” or separate or like something’s missing. At Christmas, go for a small movable tree rather than none at all. During camping season, take a weekend instead of a week, at a closer spot.

You can also add new rituals if you like. It’s alright for plans to be altered, but try to keep the pieces that are most important to you and your family. In fact, one of your new rituals could be family meetings to talk about what’s important to each family member.  And if you’ve taken drives to explore the schools, neighborhoods, and parks, you could keep up the drives, adding a stop for ice cream or singing on the road. This makes a positive addition for your family that came about due to the change. However difficult the change, you’ll have this new ritual as a bonus memory to carry forward.

Another key is relying on others where you can. Who do you have that could bring you dinner while you pack? Who could host a play date for the kids while you spend time on the internet planning? Who has moved before, or faced other big changes, that can talk you through the feelings that come up when we’re subject to changes? And if you feel like you don’t have family or friends for these or other things, ask the family and friends you do have if they have ideas of who could help. If not them, then who?

When I keep my rituals, and have the support of others I can roll with change much more easily.

Let it go

After planning and executing, is letting go. This is more mental than activity based, but activities can help you let things go too. Try to remember you have made it through 100% of the changes you have made in your life. You have a 100% success rate. This is an awesome record!

Expect glitches. Things aren’t likely to go exactly as planned. Something will break, a scheduled task will be forgotten, someone will cry or yell. But that’s a normal part of growth, and how you react to it can set you at ease or complicate things. If you don’t know it, learn Elsa’s song from Frozen and sing it loud while swooping and dancing around the room. The movement and breathing required to sing will ease your stress level and be fun for your kids to watch or join. They’ll like you silly.

Remember “no do-overs” is just a schoolyard slogan. If something doesn’t work the way you want – the church is too stuffy, the moving truck isn’t big enough, or the office isn’t as you hoped – you can redo, as often as you like. Find a new church, call another truck company, or find a better office.

That’s a perk of adulting: you get do-overs.

Reflect

Reflecting is a great way to keep what works and toss what doesn’t. Since change is inevitable, and will happen again, reflecting on this move will help future moves go more smoothly. So even if this move was anxiety provoking, the next will be less so.

I like to take time to journal – no I’m not great at consistency. But journaling what went well or gratitude about the move, is a good place to start. In fact, I’ve recently switched to listing “done well’s” instead of “to-do’s” in several areas of my life and the feeling of success I get is huge! Try to add a bit, in thought or on paper, or in conversation with your family, about what you wished could have been different or better. Keep this knowledge for next time!

And lastly, reflect on how your beliefs about yourself changed throughout this move. When all is done, do you feel more capable? What can you add into your life to increase those feelings over time. Less capable? Time for changes to increase your esteem. Did your stress level, behaviors, parenting, or relating to others change? If these things feel better than before the move or change, what else can you do to keep those great beliefs and feelings? If worse, how can you release them and increase your self-regard and strength?

As always, thanks for reading. I hope this is helpful when you feel anxious about change. If you live in the Snoqualmie Valley and want more help with change, stress, or anxiety call me to schedule a free telephone consultation to see if you might need one on one support.

Why am I so angry?!?!

Irritation, frustration, and anger are normal emotions - neither positive or negative. Anger is likely one of two things: a messenger or a symptom.

Is it Stress or Anxiety? And what can you do?

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Stress and anxiety have lots of similarities. Both can keep you up at night. Both can cause headaches, stomach aches, and other body sensations. Both can make you lose your appetite or plow through all the comfort food in your kitchen. Both can make you quick to anger, yell at your kids, or long to veg out in front of the TV or your Facebook news feed.

So, what’s the difference between stress and anxiety?

The biggest difference is that stress is a response to something happening now or in the future. It can be something you might think of as good, like a new job, moving into your dream house, marriage, vacation, or childbirth. It can also come from things we think are negative like like money issues, illness, layoff or firing, death, divorce. It can last for some time, but generally gets better once the stressor is gone – when you’ve been at the new job long enough to know your role and tasks, or when you get to your vacation spot and settle in, or when the divorce is final and you find yourself feeling relieved.

And why does it matter?

It matters because stress is more temporary and there are many things you can do to help. Anxiety lingers long after the stressful event is over and causes more disruption to health, outlook, and life (more on that in another blog post).

Here are some common symptoms of stress to add to those above:

• Worries and fear about current or future events or possibilities

• Feeling agitated or restless

• Easily tired

• Having muscle tension, especially in the neck and shoulders

• Irritable or angry outbursts without cause

• Difficulty concentrating or making decisions

• Spinning thoughts that are hard to turn off

• Trouble getting to or staying asleep

None of these is easy but you can learn to manage your symptoms of stress.

You can meditate and focus on rhythmic breathing, exercise to loosen tight muscles, sing an upbeat song, loudly and while dancing around, call a friend to vent or share, talk to your pets. You can read something absorbing or funny, take a bath with candles and music, or go for a walk out in nature.

If none of these ideas work, your feelings and symptoms haven’t lessened over time, and the event is long past, you might have anxiety instead of stress. If you think you need more help than these suggestions, or think it’s too big to manage alone, seek a counselor who can help you.

You deserve, we all deserve, to feel peace and contentment.

What do you do to relieve stress? I’d love to hear your solutions. Post your ideas below or email me at robin@balanceinsight.com and let me know if I can include them in another blog.

Thanks for reading.

5 Short Steps to Help Yourself Feel Better

Think back to the past week. Think about the positive, negative, and neutral events that happened. Did you have a bad day? Did you feel abandoned or panicked when the person you turned to wasn’t available? Do you want to feel better when it happens again? Because you will feel let down, disappointed, or abandoned again someday. We can control of our feelings of sadness, abandonment, grief, rage, and anxiety by changing our thoughts with a simple activity called cognitive restructuring.

In 5 steps, you can change what you think to change how you feel.

1. Name the triggering event I had a bad day last week and Susan didn’t help.

2. Name the irrational belief Susan didn’t help because she doesn’t like me anymore.

3. List the feelings caused by the belief Sadness and abandonment.

4. Dispute the irrational belief Susan didn’t help because she was taking care of her sick baby.

5. Name the new effect Feel closer to Susan and secure in our friendship.

Now you try it. Start with something small and simple.

1. Name the triggering event

2. Name the irrational belief

3. List the feelings caused by the belief

4. Dispute the irrational belief

5. Name the new effect

With practice, you can train yourself to manage your thoughts and keep feelings of depression, anxiety, fear, abandonment, and more from getting in the way. Let me know how it goes. Post a comment or email me at robin@balanceinsight.com

Finding the Right Therapist (Anywhere)

Seattle is a lovely vibrant city, with the requisite attractions like the Space Needle, Pike Place Market, and the Troll under the bridge. It’s also very hustle bustle and, some say, is known for a phenomenon called the Seattle Freeze. The Seattle Freeze is a belief that Seattleites are closed to newcomers; it’s difficult to make friends and get close to people here. If you experience loneliness, isolation, or sadness, you may benefit from working with a counselor in Seattle. Seattle has many counselors, psychotherapists, and life coaches, each with different fields of expertise. You could search on Google or ask your doctor or a friend for a recommendation. All of these are useful ways to locate a counselor that might fit your needs. Now what?The next step is scheduling a consultation with a therapist you’re interested in working with.

The consultation is often via phone conversation, although some therapists prefer to meet in person. You can expect to tell a bit about yourself. What motivated you to seek counseling now, have you ever had therapy before, why, and how did it help? What are you seeking help with? What would you like to be different to improve your situation? Have you experienced this issue before and how did you resolve it? What would you like your life to look like in 3, 6, 12 months? This helps the counselor and you envision possible therapy goals.

Then the counselor will explain a bit about how therapy works; discuss frequency of sessions for continuity of care. She’ll describe the process of setting long-term goals and short-term objectives, and explain the process for checking outcomes. Outcomes show progress, what’s working, and what might need to be changed up. Therapists generally check outcomes quarterly, to make sure the progress is flowing along the way you want it to.

She may talk with you about benefits and drawbacks to a diagnosis and possible therapeutic methods shown to benefit specific issues, like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy’s help for depression, motivational interviewing’s help for addictions, and Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing Therapy’s benefit for anxiety, trauma, and phobias.

At this point, you both get to check in with yourselves and see how you think you’d feel working together. Does she listen more than she talks? Do you feel heard and understood? Do you have confidence that she can help? Do you feel like you can connect with her? If the answer to these questions is no, it may be time to seek another counselor.

If you can answer these questions with a confident yes, you can assume this is the therapist for you. At this time in the consultation, one of you, usually the therapist, brings up the topic of money. If you don’t connect, or this therapist specializes in other areas than your issue, it doesn’t matter if the fee is $20 a session. $20 a session gets very expensive when it goes on for years and years.

The therapist then tells you her fee, whether and which insurance she takes, when payment is due, and how/if you can be reimbursed. If your insurance pays out of network, you would likely pay for sessions and your insurance will reimburse you, minus your copay. If you participate in your employer’s flex care spending plan for medical costs, it will likely reimburse you for all therapy expenses, although you need to check your plan.

If all goes as you wish, you two will schedule your first session. You can relax; you already know you’ve got the right therapist for you. Now you can dig right in and start feeling better. And as always, I'm here. You can reach me in Seattle at Balance InSight, 206-790-7270.

Thanks for reading, and be well.

~ Robin

EMD What? FAQs about EMDR

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing Therapy (EMDR) is one of the great counseling techniques (stay tuned for others) to lessen the triggers and flooding that come with anxiety. It works on the stuck memories that come out with physical sensations when we are confronted with smells, sights, people, places, or sounds that are similar to trauma, pain, or fear we experienced in the past. For example, if you’ve experienced sexual assault that started when you were sleeping, by a man with alcohol and cigarettes on his breath, you might start sweating or crying when you smell the combination of cigarette smoke and alcohol. You might start hyperventilating or having chest pain when you are woken up from a deep sleep. You might need to sleep with the lights on, or in your living room, or not much at all.

Triggers

The smoke, alcohol, darkness, being woken up, or sleep itself, are triggers that flood the brain with chemicals that put us into fight, flight, or most commonly, freeze mode.

We feel immobilized and experience panic, perspiration, inability to catch our breath, chest pain, tingling sensations in our hands or feet, lightheadedness, nausea, or headaches. We might get a flush of being extremely hot or cold, blacking out, and even a sensation of either watching ourselves from outside our bodies or of not being present in that time and space at all (this last one is called dissociation and I’ll post more about it later).

Protection

These physical sensations, interestingly, are our brain and body’s way of protecting us from danger. Our brain was so overwhelmed by the danger and trauma of the assault that it goes into protection mode to make sure to keep us from getting assaulted again – it warns us if any aspect of the assault is present now to tell us to get away and get safe.

When you think about it that way, our brains are pretty amazing, right? The problem comes when the brain’s attempt to protect us isn’t helpful, like when we are not in danger of assault but the brain thinks we might be, so we can’t be around certain smells or sights or places without experiencing the physical and immobilizing symptoms I talked about above.

While our brains are terrific at protecting us, that protection, when we don’t need it, gets in the way of us living life and doing things we want to do.

Enter EMDR Therapy

EMDR is a technique that I use, to help your brain recognize that sleep doesn’t necessarily lead to assault, nor does darkness, or the smells of cigarette smoke and beer.

EMDR uses something called bilateral stimulation – stimulating both sides of the brain – to get the emotional feeling side synced up with the logical thinking side. Integrating the two sides around the trauma helps the brain reprocess the traumatic event and move it from a current trauma to a past trauma, thereby lessening the physical triggers and panic in the present.

Sounds like such a relief, right? It certainly can be. EMDR does not make the memories go away, but it does lessen and dilute the symptoms related to the assault – or car wreck, dental visit, humiliating or fearful event, loss, death of a loved one, combat, dog bite, or, or, or, you get the idea.

Like all EMDR trained therapists, I've gone through rigorous training over an extended period, many hours of practice, and consultation with a certified EMDR supervisor, to make sure it's the best and most effective treatment for the issue/s you want to work on. Just like psychotherapy – longer, deeper, talk therapy – is not right for every person or even every issue of the same person, the same holds true for EMDR.

If you experience symptoms such as panic, tingling hands or feet, anxiety, nausea, avoidance of places, smells, sounds, or people, or a sensation of not being present, ask me about EMDR and whether it might be helpful for you. Request your free consultation here.

Note: If you are involved in a lawsuit, or if you plan to be involved in a lawsuit, related to the original trauma, please contact your lawyer to determine whether it is advisable to keep your triggers intact until the legal issue is resolved.

Want to find the real you? The you before your trauma?

"We are affected by our past, but we are not prisoners of our pasts."   ~Robin Custer, MSW, LICSWA When we have trauma, whether from violence, car crashes, phobias, a death, relocation, foster families, alcoholism, loving parents who were just absent, we can feel stuck, mentally, at the age the trauma first occurred. While we can't go back and redo our childhoods, we CAN use tools help get unstuck. One simple technique you can do at home is to write with your right (or dominant) hand on one side of an open notebook. Write to your early you. Maybe you want to ask your young you what they needed but didn't get. Other examples are:

• Who helped you when you needed it at 4, or 5 or 6?

• What did you play with and where did you go that you wished you could do / go again?

• What did you need that I (your older you) can give you?

• Would it help if I held you close and took care of you now?

Then, using your left (or nondominant hand) let your thoughts flow freely onto the other page in the notebook. Let your little you answer back. You might get responses like:

• Auntie Jane tried to help me. I always loved Auntie Jane.

• I played cars in the back yard, far away from the sounds of fighting.

You get the idea. It's simple but perhaps not easy. Try this and let me know what you come up with robin@balanceinsight.com