Am I normal? 4 normal feelings for adults abused as children

Many adults who were abused as children have no sense of what normal is. What does normal feel like? Am I normal?

Here are just a few of the normal feelings you may have, in response to your neglect, mistreatment, sexual or physical abuse, or psychological abuse.

And, yes, you are normal.

Numbness

As a child, your brain did a wonderful job protecting you. There may have been times when what was happening to you was so crushing, your child brain couldn’t make sense of it.  In response to thoughts like, “this person hurting me is supposed to protect me! If my protector is hurting me, I will die!” your brain pushed it aside, blocked it out, partitioned it off, helped you act as if nothing abnormal was happening. This is a common adaptation and a good survival technique. It is thanks to your wonderful brain that you survived your childhood.

When thinking back about the abuse you may have no feelings about it at all. Or you may feel that it was no big deal, nothing at all. Or that you are nothing. This is still a normal protective way of adapting to something awful. And you are normal if you feel this numbness.

Note: Severe numbness in certain cases, can be a symptom of dissociation, and that’s another topic for another time. But you are still normal.

Anger

As a child you may have been angry often. This is a normal response to someone, anyone, making your life hell. You deserved safety, love, play, and you got a raw deal. Even if you didn’t yet know that your life was different from other kids’ you knew you were being hurt or threatened, and you knew you had to keep your guard up.

If you feel angry now, or get angry in response to seemingly small slights, this is normal and common for adults abused as children. And you are normal if you feel this anger.

Note: Sometimes anger can be a symptom of depression or anxiety, and that’s another topic for another time. But you are still normal.

Sadness

As a child, your miraculous little self had so much potential and possibility. You could grow up and be anything, do anything, or several anythings at once. And bit by bit this possibility was snatched away. If you were the family scapegoat you witnessed the difference between your siblings’ care and your own. Your losses are sad, and it’s normal to feel sad over loss.

Today, you may feel sad in general, or in response to any loss or missed opportunity. Your sadness may be bigger than you think it should be. A broken bird eggshell in your yard might mean a baby bird died and bring you immense grief. A story about a happy child may remind you of what could have been, or of what loss lies in store for the child in the story. You may find yourself crying for no reason at all. This is normal too.

Note: Sadness can also be a symptom of depression, and that’s another topic for another time. But you are still normal.

Fear

As a child, your caregivers had the ultimate power over your life, death, and happiness. It wasn’t safe to play, make noise, run, or be noticed, and your emotional and physical safety, and maybe your life, depended on your brain’s ability to pick up on tiny cues that might signal upcoming harm to you. Fear is the normal response. It let you prepare to flee or fight or hide inside yourself.

Now, you may be fearful of things others are not. Answering the phone or door, watching news, learning you’re sick, talking to coworkers, all can bring on heightened fear. You may describe yourself as afraid of the world. This is normal and you are normal for feeling it.

Note: Severe fear, in certain cases, can be a sign of anxiety, and that’s another topic for another time. But you are still normal.

One of the hardest things about growing up with abuse is not knowing what’s normal. There are many more feelings that are normal. And there is a huge range of what normal looks and feels like.

If you’re tired of wondering what’s normal, feeling like you're not normal, or you want help with your own numbness, anger, sadness, or fear (or dissociation, depression, or anxiety) call me for a free telephone consultation.

I’m here to help you feel better.

Mad as Hell: 4 Ways to Sit With Anger

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“It’s safe to have anger. Anger won’t consume you as long as you manage what you do with it.”

— Robin Custer, MSW, LICSWA

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You know the feeling: maybe a headache or stomachache, narrowed field of vision, feeling white hot or icy cold. You might feel like you can’t sit still - your heart racing, and your jaw clenched.

You want to yell, cry, or kick something. If you looked in the mirror, you might see your face flushed red or drawn pale skin, narrowed eyes, and lines in your forehead.

If you survived childhood chaos, distress, or abuse, you have a lot to be mad about: screaming and feeling off kilter in your childhood, never feeling good enough, seeing or experiencing distress and shame.

Some people are angry at grandparents or other relatives and neighbors who didn’t know – or if they did know, didn’t do anything to help or keep them safe. You might be mad at the parent who didn’t abuse you – the one who was supposed to protect you. Or at your brothers and sisters who are still connected to your abuser.

You’re mad at your friends, now, today, who don’t understand and think you should just “forgive and get over it.”

You might be really mad, furious and full of rage - as well as an infinite number of other feelings - at the person who hurt you, the people who made your childhood a living hell, treated you like a thing, made you question everything about love, family, trust, and even your innermost feelings.

And you’re mad at yourself. Why didn’t you tell? Did you do something to cause it? Why can’t you just move on? When you got away, you might have left your siblings behind. You survived. You didn’t confront the person who wrecked your past, you didn’t stop him.

Four things you can do with your anger

1. Know and believe in your heart that your anger is justified. Anger is a feeling – it isn't good or bad, it’s just a feeling.

It's OK to be good and mad. You get to be angry, and can express anger in ways that don't hurt you or others. And, it's safe to have anger.

2.      Work toward forgiveness – of yourself. Ask yourself these questions:

·        Did you do the best you could at the time, for example: not telling, not making it stop, your mind protecting you by “not knowing” parts of it, leaving the family?

·        Are your friends capable of grasping? If not, do you want to continue to have relationships with them for other reasons and find emotional support elsewhere? Do you want to invest in these friends to help them understand and potentially become supports? IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT.

3.      Hold yourself in wonder. You survived. What stubbornness, spunk, wild streak, will to succeed, gentle soul, fierce soul must have made that possible! You are a force of nature!

4.      Set an intention – ask the universe, God, whatever you believe in that’s bigger than you, to help you notice one awesome thing each day. (Awesome - in the true meaning of the word: causing or inducing awe; inspiring an overwhelming feeling of wonder, reverence, or admiration, a sense of wonder.)

How do you sit with anger? What helps you get through it? Post below what works for you. I’d love to hear your thoughts.

If you want more, email me to schedule a free telephone consultation, where we can discuss one strategy to do anger well and find out if maybe you need more help.

You can reach me in Issaquah at Balance InSight, 206-790-7270.

Thanks for reading, and be well. ~ Robin

Insight: understanding the true nature of someone or something

Insight is the ability to recognize the true nature of someone or something, like understanding through your intuition, in your gut.

If you grew up in home with chaos or distress, rages or silence, you probably got really good at watching for cues - like tone of voice, changes in routines, facial expressions, body language, and even relative cleanliness of the house on any given day – to try and make sense of whatever might come next. If you got it right, the reward was a fragile temporary peace.

And when your gut level reality conflicted with the family story, the family’s version of reality, they told you you got it wrong: They weren’t fighting, just talking; You made them spank you; You weren’t mad - you just thought you were; and so on; and so on. All of this confused you and made you question and mistrust your insight.

And now, you probably don’t know who to trust. Or what to rely on. Or what’s real. You might question yourself, “Is this really happening? Am I overreacting? What’s normal?”

Here’s the truth:

~ How you felt then was right and normal for your environment
~ How you reacted and behaved was right for your development and situation
~ Your thoughts and feelings today are completely normal, in the context of all you witnessed
~ And most important: You can learn a new normal, a normal based on today’s relationships, motivations, and intentions

You can learn to adapt to your life today, to see what is and not what someone told you is, to sit without chaos and distress. To recognize and safely react to danger, and to understand and trust in security.

The unexpected can cause fear, anxiety, and a feeling of watching from the outside. But it doesn’t have to immobilize you anymore. You are not helpless anymore.

I can help you gain insight into what was and what is, find your inner strength and confidence, and feel comfortable in today. 

Read on for further insights and blog posts. For long lasting resolution, email or call me for counseling to get past your past. 

Childhood sexual trauma: What happens when the predator is your brother?

If you are alive and awake, you’ve likely read or heard about Josh Duggar, of the television show 19 Kids and Counting, molesting his sisters and a babysitter. From the television interviews, released police report, and news reports, it appears as if Josh admitted, in real time, at least 5 instances of sexual assault. While there is far too much parent bashing in the media, by Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar’s own admission, they did not report the crimes perpetrated upon their daughters and babysitter for at least 18 months, and Jim Bob, in particular, was told each time Josh molested again. Today we see more of the Duggars on television talking of their son Josh being crucified by the public, and we hear less about the victimization and repeated sexual abuse of their daughters.

Parents' Job

Josh was 15 at the time, a child, whose parents protected him the best they could. They tried to help him. That is the job of parents: protect your children and help them. All well and good. However, Josh’s sisters were even younger and more vulnerable. They needed even more protection than their brother, a predator living among them. They needed help. Michelle and Jim Bob did not protect them, and did not help them.

According to their account, and to their credit, they put rules in place like not letting boys babysit the girls, not letting them out of site, and not allowing “hide and seek.” What they didn’t do is report the sexual assault to the police, which would have stopped it. What they didn’t do is protect and help their daughters. When a predator, who by definition preys on the vulnerable, is living under the same roof as the victims, the victims are not protected. The public may never know, nor should we, in my opinion, whether and how many times Josh continued to molest during the 16 months before reporting the crimes to the authorities. But to be sure, Josh the child sexual predator had means and opportunities – parents have to sleep sometime.

Three Crimes

Crime number one is the daughters’ molestations as they were perpetrated. Crime number two is that Mr. and Mrs. Duggar did not protect their daughters, after the fact, by reporting that their young daughters were molested and removing Josh from the home. Crime number three is still happening: the Duggars are rallying around Josh, minimizing both the fact of the molestation and the impact by inserting qualifiers about it not being rape, Josh made a mistake, it happened over the clothes, just for a few minutes, and while the girls were asleep.

Child molesting is child molesting. You’re not a little bit molested. You’re molested. Whether or not their young daughters were awake, wearing clothes, or remember it, make no mistake, it has harmed them and will continue to harm them. Being molested by their brother will live with them forever. And so will their mother and father minimizing it.

What can we do?

What can you and I, as parents, do differently? Value our children, believe them, report their molester – regardless of, and especially if he is their brother in the same house; don’t minimize the crimes, pain, and impact of the trauma.

And we can call someone for help. Right now. Not in 16 months.

If you suspect your child, or a child you know, has been molested, protect them. Help them. Call the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453), anytime, day or night, in any of 200 languages.

If you are a child being molested, believe it and know that no one has the right to molest you. Call the Child Abuse Hotline 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453), and then press 1 to talk to a counselor. Call anytime, day or night. They will help make it stop and give you support. All calls are confidential.

And as always, I’m here. You can reach me in Issaquah at Balance Insight, 206-790-7270.

Thanks for reading, and be well.

~ Robin

Finding the Right Therapist (Anywhere)

Seattle is a lovely vibrant city, with the requisite attractions like the Space Needle, Pike Place Market, and the Troll under the bridge. It’s also very hustle bustle and, some say, is known for a phenomenon called the Seattle Freeze. The Seattle Freeze is a belief that Seattleites are closed to newcomers; it’s difficult to make friends and get close to people here. If you experience loneliness, isolation, or sadness, you may benefit from working with a counselor in Seattle. Seattle has many counselors, psychotherapists, and life coaches, each with different fields of expertise. You could search on Google or ask your doctor or a friend for a recommendation. All of these are useful ways to locate a counselor that might fit your needs. Now what?The next step is scheduling a consultation with a therapist you’re interested in working with.

The consultation is often via phone conversation, although some therapists prefer to meet in person. You can expect to tell a bit about yourself. What motivated you to seek counseling now, have you ever had therapy before, why, and how did it help? What are you seeking help with? What would you like to be different to improve your situation? Have you experienced this issue before and how did you resolve it? What would you like your life to look like in 3, 6, 12 months? This helps the counselor and you envision possible therapy goals.

Then the counselor will explain a bit about how therapy works; discuss frequency of sessions for continuity of care. She’ll describe the process of setting long-term goals and short-term objectives, and explain the process for checking outcomes. Outcomes show progress, what’s working, and what might need to be changed up. Therapists generally check outcomes quarterly, to make sure the progress is flowing along the way you want it to.

She may talk with you about benefits and drawbacks to a diagnosis and possible therapeutic methods shown to benefit specific issues, like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy’s help for depression, motivational interviewing’s help for addictions, and Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing Therapy’s benefit for anxiety, trauma, and phobias.

At this point, you both get to check in with yourselves and see how you think you’d feel working together. Does she listen more than she talks? Do you feel heard and understood? Do you have confidence that she can help? Do you feel like you can connect with her? If the answer to these questions is no, it may be time to seek another counselor.

If you can answer these questions with a confident yes, you can assume this is the therapist for you. At this time in the consultation, one of you, usually the therapist, brings up the topic of money. If you don’t connect, or this therapist specializes in other areas than your issue, it doesn’t matter if the fee is $20 a session. $20 a session gets very expensive when it goes on for years and years.

The therapist then tells you her fee, whether and which insurance she takes, when payment is due, and how/if you can be reimbursed. If your insurance pays out of network, you would likely pay for sessions and your insurance will reimburse you, minus your copay. If you participate in your employer’s flex care spending plan for medical costs, it will likely reimburse you for all therapy expenses, although you need to check your plan.

If all goes as you wish, you two will schedule your first session. You can relax; you already know you’ve got the right therapist for you. Now you can dig right in and start feeling better. And as always, I'm here. You can reach me in Seattle at Balance InSight, 206-790-7270.

Thanks for reading, and be well.

~ Robin

The Impermanence of Both Sides of the Pain/Joy Coin

I recently returned from a silent meditation retreat – a place of painful and joyous insights. It was held in a peaceful place, in the middle of nowhere, amidst deer and wolves, caterpillars and snakes. In an effort to force myself to get up and stay up for early morning 4:30 am meditation, I volunteered to ring the morning gong each day.

I set my travel alarm for 3:50 and dressed silently by the light of the little wooden lamp, wrapping scarves around my neck and head – it’s cold in the dark in the woods. My job was to walk outside under the awnings around the women’s dorms, hitting the wooden mallet on the heavy – brass, I think – gong, making it spin and sending vibrations of sound in all directions signaling 4 am wakeup and 4:20 “get yourself to the meditation hall,” for women meditation students.

By 4:30, I was wide awake for morning meditation and took my assigned cushioned spot in the meditation hall. Seated in silence, unmoving, scanning my body for vibrations, my feet would go to sleep. The tingling turned to electric shocks as I worked to notice the sensation, wonder about it, without judgement, and then move on to each area of my body, piece by piece. Working my way up, my back screamed in silence. Notice, wonder, no craving, no aversion, anicca, anicca, anicca* – the law of impermanence.

Meditation continued, alternating with meals and breaks, until 9:30 at night, for ten difficult and wondrous days.

During meals and breaks, I thought. In my head without distraction can be a scary place to live, and so I tried to notice, wonder, and practice anicca with my thoughts. I had painful thoughts of childhood traumas, joyous thoughts of future life plans, and tender fearful thoughts of the impending loss of my dear friend, his third bout with cancer, third type, ever growing. And I cried. Often. In silence. Walking the mowed paths in the meadow and looking out at deer during teatime. Why did he do that? I got this! Why must she go and leave all her children?

I made decisions, changed decisions, and meditated on it.

I must confront my father for his sins against me; I must not confront my father, he can hurt me in other ways now; I am not a traumatized child anymore and my existence no longer depends on the whims of my father.

I must continue my agency job healing moods and personalities; I must leave my job to support myself; I will continue my work, my life's mission, in my own office.

My friend will die; my friend might live with this treatment and that intervention; my friend’s body is dying and I will hold his family in my heart and his soul in my hands.

And then, I meditated some more.

The last night of the retreat was a buffer between the isolation and noble silence of meditation and the hustle bustle noise of the outside world. Talking was allowed everywhere except in the meditation hall. I stayed up late in deep discussion with other women I felt silently bonded to. And then the pain/joy coin hit me in my gut: life is pain and life is joy. Physical aching electrical pain and horror-invoking mental pain and the heart ripping pain of grief. Subtle pinpoint vibration joy and emancipating courageous “I got away” joy and hopeful life without end joy.

And now, I meditate some more.

*Anicca is pronounced uh-nee-cha, and means impermanence in Pali. The law of impermanence says that pain and suffering, like joy and happiness, are impermanent.

If you've experienced grief, loss, trauma, or pain, you can feel better. I'm here. You can call me to schedule a consultation, where we'll talk a bit, give you some hope, and see if maybe you want a little more help.

EMD What? FAQs about EMDR

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing Therapy (EMDR) is one of the great counseling techniques (stay tuned for others) to lessen the triggers and flooding that come with anxiety. It works on the stuck memories that come out with physical sensations when we are confronted with smells, sights, people, places, or sounds that are similar to trauma, pain, or fear we experienced in the past. For example, if you’ve experienced sexual assault that started when you were sleeping, by a man with alcohol and cigarettes on his breath, you might start sweating or crying when you smell the combination of cigarette smoke and alcohol. You might start hyperventilating or having chest pain when you are woken up from a deep sleep. You might need to sleep with the lights on, or in your living room, or not much at all.

Triggers

The smoke, alcohol, darkness, being woken up, or sleep itself, are triggers that flood the brain with chemicals that put us into fight, flight, or most commonly, freeze mode.

We feel immobilized and experience panic, perspiration, inability to catch our breath, chest pain, tingling sensations in our hands or feet, lightheadedness, nausea, or headaches. We might get a flush of being extremely hot or cold, blacking out, and even a sensation of either watching ourselves from outside our bodies or of not being present in that time and space at all (this last one is called dissociation and I’ll post more about it later).

Protection

These physical sensations, interestingly, are our brain and body’s way of protecting us from danger. Our brain was so overwhelmed by the danger and trauma of the assault that it goes into protection mode to make sure to keep us from getting assaulted again – it warns us if any aspect of the assault is present now to tell us to get away and get safe.

When you think about it that way, our brains are pretty amazing, right? The problem comes when the brain’s attempt to protect us isn’t helpful, like when we are not in danger of assault but the brain thinks we might be, so we can’t be around certain smells or sights or places without experiencing the physical and immobilizing symptoms I talked about above.

While our brains are terrific at protecting us, that protection, when we don’t need it, gets in the way of us living life and doing things we want to do.

Enter EMDR Therapy

EMDR is a technique that I use, to help your brain recognize that sleep doesn’t necessarily lead to assault, nor does darkness, or the smells of cigarette smoke and beer.

EMDR uses something called bilateral stimulation – stimulating both sides of the brain – to get the emotional feeling side synced up with the logical thinking side. Integrating the two sides around the trauma helps the brain reprocess the traumatic event and move it from a current trauma to a past trauma, thereby lessening the physical triggers and panic in the present.

Sounds like such a relief, right? It certainly can be. EMDR does not make the memories go away, but it does lessen and dilute the symptoms related to the assault – or car wreck, dental visit, humiliating or fearful event, loss, death of a loved one, combat, dog bite, or, or, or, you get the idea.

Like all EMDR trained therapists, I've gone through rigorous training over an extended period, many hours of practice, and consultation with a certified EMDR supervisor, to make sure it's the best and most effective treatment for the issue/s you want to work on. Just like psychotherapy – longer, deeper, talk therapy – is not right for every person or even every issue of the same person, the same holds true for EMDR.

If you experience symptoms such as panic, tingling hands or feet, anxiety, nausea, avoidance of places, smells, sounds, or people, or a sensation of not being present, ask me about EMDR and whether it might be helpful for you. Request your free consultation here.

Note: If you are involved in a lawsuit, or if you plan to be involved in a lawsuit, related to the original trauma, please contact your lawyer to determine whether it is advisable to keep your triggers intact until the legal issue is resolved.

How to celebrate Father’s Day when your father is undeserving

With Father's Day right around the corner, here is a repost of blog on how to manage the holiday with a, shall we say, less than loving father. Celebrating YOU!

~ Robin

We all have less than perfect parents. We, ourselves, are less than perfect parents. Maybe we are involved in our children’s education and attend all school and sporting events. We also get frustrated, exasperated, and act out. We yell too often, expect too much, or are inconsistent with rules and our child’s behavior. Less than perfect is good enough. Well-respected developmental theorist Donald Winnicott states that within a secure relationship, being a good enough mother (later changed to include fathers and other caregivers), one who is less than perfect, actually facilitates children’s learning independence, forgiveness, self-reliance, and an understanding of the dependability of love. Less than perfect does not equal undeserving of the title. In my mind, undeserving covers parents who rape or sexually assault their children, subject them to horror or horrific neglect or abuse, sell or give their (the children’s) bodies to others. I’m not talking about a parent who makes a mistake. I’m referring to parents who take pleasure in harming their children’s minds, souls, and bodies.

Father’s Day is coming and, as with many holidays, we are asked to celebrate someone, to thank them, to acknowledge their gifts of love, time, and care we received from them. We are enculturated to believe family is family, the bond is unbreakable, and we’re always there for one another. We grow up hearing we must respect our parents – they raised us after all. We owe them. However, the truth is some families don’t fit the description of a loving bonded unit. In some families the children aren’t or weren’t protected, loved, or cared for. What then? You’ve survived your childhood; must you now celebrate those whom you survived in spite of?

The short answer is NO. There are other, greatly deserving, loving people you can celebrate. There are other ways to get through days of obligatory adoration of individuals who are not present or ought not be celebrated. The first thing to do is make a plan. Make choices. Consciously choose. Otherwise, you may find yourself saddened, disappointed, and isolating. A better way is to make a plan.

• Choose who to celebrate The father in Father’s Day need not be your father. Is there a father figure you love, maybe an uncle or family friend who nurtured you? If you have children, their father can be celebrated. Do you have a father-in-law who treats you well? A brother with children? A friend’s father? What about you? As a mother, are you also the de facto father to your children? Are you a parent of a pet?

• Choose to honor yourself It’s also alright to simply honor yourself, your growth, and your existence in the world today. Honor the child you, growing into the woman you. Honor your strength, resiliency, and sassiness. Honor your grief, what wasn’t, what should have been. Sit with you, and the sadness that was or is, and the spark of hope that can be. But mostly honor you.

• Choose how to celebrate There are many ways to celebrate. Sending a card or flowers, having a meal together, or throwing a party are just a few. Spending time in nature, or a picnic on the living room floor, in the park, or at the beach. For those without young children, an evening of dinner and a movie or a club might be fun. It doesn’t matter what you do, so long as you plan to do something. If you are alone, that something can be a sappy movie and a big bowl of popcorn laying on your bed. The most important thing is to have a plan.

• Choose to revel and reflect that you celebrated in a way that is meaningful for you Try to spend some time praising your creativity and resourcefulness at managing a difficult holiday. Meditate on your survival abilities and inner spunk that got you where you are today. Find joy in something, anything that nurtures your spirit today. You made it! You’re the you you are today, because you made it. You are deserving of all that is good. And if you don’t believe it, and can’t possibly tell yourself that truth, find someone who believes it enough for both of you. A friend, sibling, or partner. Or seek out a therapist, to help you believe in you and find your joy.

And as always, I'm here. You can reach me in Issaquah at Balance InSight, 206-790-7270.

Thanks for reading, and be well. ~ Robin

Want to find the real you? The you before your trauma?

"We are affected by our past, but we are not prisoners of our pasts."   ~Robin Custer, MSW, LICSWA When we have trauma, whether from violence, car crashes, phobias, a death, relocation, foster families, alcoholism, loving parents who were just absent, we can feel stuck, mentally, at the age the trauma first occurred. While we can't go back and redo our childhoods, we CAN use tools help get unstuck. One simple technique you can do at home is to write with your right (or dominant) hand on one side of an open notebook. Write to your early you. Maybe you want to ask your young you what they needed but didn't get. Other examples are:

• Who helped you when you needed it at 4, or 5 or 6?

• What did you play with and where did you go that you wished you could do / go again?

• What did you need that I (your older you) can give you?

• Would it help if I held you close and took care of you now?

Then, using your left (or nondominant hand) let your thoughts flow freely onto the other page in the notebook. Let your little you answer back. You might get responses like:

• Auntie Jane tried to help me. I always loved Auntie Jane.

• I played cars in the back yard, far away from the sounds of fighting.

You get the idea. It's simple but perhaps not easy. Try this and let me know what you come up with robin@balanceinsight.com