Is it Stress or Anxiety? And what can you do?

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Stress and anxiety have lots of similarities. Both can keep you up at night. Both can cause headaches, stomach aches, and other body sensations. Both can make you lose your appetite or plow through all the comfort food in your kitchen. Both can make you quick to anger, yell at your kids, or long to veg out in front of the TV or your Facebook news feed.

So, what’s the difference between stress and anxiety?

The biggest difference is that stress is a response to something happening now or in the future. It can be something you might think of as good, like a new job, moving into your dream house, marriage, vacation, or childbirth. It can also come from things we think are negative like like money issues, illness, layoff or firing, death, divorce. It can last for some time, but generally gets better once the stressor is gone – when you’ve been at the new job long enough to know your role and tasks, or when you get to your vacation spot and settle in, or when the divorce is final and you find yourself feeling relieved.

And why does it matter?

It matters because stress is more temporary and there are many things you can do to help. Anxiety lingers long after the stressful event is over and causes more disruption to health, outlook, and life (more on that in another blog post).

Here are some common symptoms of stress to add to those above:

• Worries and fear about current or future events or possibilities

• Feeling agitated or restless

• Easily tired

• Having muscle tension, especially in the neck and shoulders

• Irritable or angry outbursts without cause

• Difficulty concentrating or making decisions

• Spinning thoughts that are hard to turn off

• Trouble getting to or staying asleep

None of these is easy but you can learn to manage your symptoms of stress.

You can meditate and focus on rhythmic breathing, exercise to loosen tight muscles, sing an upbeat song, loudly and while dancing around, call a friend to vent or share, talk to your pets. You can read something absorbing or funny, take a bath with candles and music, or go for a walk out in nature.

If none of these ideas work, your feelings and symptoms haven’t lessened over time, and the event is long past, you might have anxiety instead of stress. If you think you need more help than these suggestions, or think it’s too big to manage alone, seek a counselor who can help you.

You deserve, we all deserve, to feel peace and contentment.

What do you do to relieve stress? I’d love to hear your solutions. Post your ideas below or email me at robin@balanceinsight.com and let me know if I can include them in another blog.

Thanks for reading.

How to get the most out of counseling - 5 ways

Let’s start by telling the truth: counseling is a large investment of your time and money. Living in the Issaquah area is expensive enough and commuting to work is long enough – no need to throw away time and money. And by the time you start counseling, you’ve probably been suffering long enough that you’re really ready for things to be better. Since your time and money are being spent, here are some ways to make sure to get the most out of it.

1. Make sure you connect

Do your homework when picking a counselor. Ask people you trust, like friends, family, doctors, for names of counselors they know and trust. Look online. As you read counselors’ web sites and blog posts, watch their videos, you’ll begin to get a sense of them. When you’re ready, contact a few counselors and ask for a consultation. During the consultation, you’ll learn more about how they work and they’ll learn about you. Both you and the counselors will be able to tell if you are a good fit for one another.

In sessions, pay attention to whether and how well you connect. Keep an eye out for how well the counselor seems to “get you.” Are they empathetic, can you get to know them enough to feel like you have some things in common or that they are a bit like you? Does the counselor seem to pay attention to you?

2. Come regularly.

Just like with exercising at the same consistent time of day, you will start to become accustomed to a certain day of the week being yours to share, get care, learn, grow, and heal. You can look forward to it. If you miss weeks in between, sessions are spent catching up instead If you start and end on time, you’ll get your full time. Especially if your counselor is using a method that has a bit of a plan to it, like EMDR, there is a lead in, work, and an easing out. When sessions are cut short, the needed parts might not happen, or might not give the full effect or benefit.

3. Do your homework.

If you have homework, try your best to do it. If you’ve said yes to accepting it, you’re saying yes to saving some money and time – it’s not being completed in session, but reviewed and digested in session. If you don’t want homework, it’s OK to say that (see below – telling your counselor if something’s not working. If you don’t have time or would rather keep counseling in the counseling office – not that I’m recommending that (trying things out, practicing, at home is a great way to progress) – just say so.

4. Share even if you’re scared

It can be scary sharing intimate details with someone. That’s why it’s so important to find a counselor you connect with and can trust. But the more you can tell them about yourself and your history and your needs, the better able they are to incorporate those things into the therapy and help you process them and heal.

And 5. Tell your counselor if something’s not working.

Counselors are human beings. Just like you, we have grief, moves, children, hobbies, demeanors, etc. If something we’re doing isn’t working for you, you’re paying in money and time without benefit. Please please tell your counselor if you need them to hold you accountable, not push you so hard, change your schedule, work on different goals, or if you’re just having a day when you need to just “be” and not work on anything. We all need those days. I’m of the opinion that you know you best. I know human nature and development, psychology, family systems, and counseling but you know you.

So now I put it to you.

Pick one of these things to start with. And try it out with your counselor. If you want, you can even tell them I said to. Then post below or email me at robin@balanceinsight.com with how it went. Thanks for reading.

Don't fight to win!

When your relationship is floundering, fighting is the norm, and winning is rare, try to hold in your mind that your partner is the person you love and you are the person they love. Fighting well is hard to do and you have to practice (yep, practice) fighting to get better at it. You will make mistakes, feel unheard, and say the wrong thing in a heated moment of conflict. Just know that it's like a muscle and needs to be exercised, constructively, building on love and connection. Know that you will get better and so will your partner.

This is part 4 of my four-part VLOG series on conflict in relationships. 

And the most important thing in any relationship conflict is to fight to resolution, don’t fight to win. If you fight to win, you might win every fight and feel really great but your relationship is not going to feel safe and trusting. And that’s the goal right, to have your relationships be safe and trusting and loving. In safety, trust, and love - in relationship.

What are your goals in your relationships? What can you do to achieve them? Post below to share.

Conflict free in your relationship

We all hear how important it is to argue, disagree, and be authentic. But did you know you can actually do conflict better, communicate better, and improve your relationship if you have areas and times that are free of conflict? 

This is part 3 of my four-part VLOG series on improving relationships, conflict, and communication. Scroll down to read more, or just watch the video here. 

When you or your partner have anxiety or feels a flush of emotion from past events getting in the way, that's a good time to take a break from conflict. Staying in conflict, continuing to hash it out, will only add to the triggering and make future conflicts even harder to resolve. Better to decide to take a break, make a plan (or agree to make a plan after the flooded party is feeling more present) to come back together later - resolve the conflict later. Understand this only works if you consistently DO come back together. Over time you'll establish a pattern, a history, of keeping your word and coming back even when it's uncomfortable

You'll also want certain areas to remain conflict free zones. If you associate certain areas with conflict, tough feelings, or hard work you won't want to spend time in those areas doing loving things. I recommend keeping the bedroom a conflict free zone. This way, when you think of your room, or walk into it, you can feel immediate relief, love, and a sense of being settled in to connect sweetly, make love, or go to sleep. Some people like resolving conflict in the car; it can be less intimidating to be side by side instead of face to face. Others need the car to be a conflict free zone. The point is for you and your partner to decide what works for you.

It's OK, in fact it's necessary for your good relationship, to have time and space that is conflict free. You can improve your relationship, communicate better, and resolve conflicts when you are conscious and intentional. Let me know what you do to resolve conflict - post below to share publicly, or email me at robin@balanceinsight.com with "Resolving Conflict" in the subject line. 

Good luck and happy conflicting.

2 Tips for Better Communication

Sometimes I find myself asking: "what the heck is he saying?" or "why can't he understand what I mean?" 

Communication can really mess up relationships since there are so many places it can go wrong, leading to such huge misunderstandings. If you follow just these two tips, you can see an immediate improvement in your relationship and lessen the level of conflict.

This is part two in my 4 part series of video blogs on relationships, communication, and conflict. Today I teach you how to listen with a goal - understanding exactly what your partner is saying. We also discuss how to be super clear on what you're saying and what you want. 

Next week I'll give you two more tips to do conflict better. 

How to use conflict to improve your relationship: Cop an attitude & Lead up to it

If you hate fighting you're not alone. Most of us hate fighting and avoid conflict like the plague. But you can learn to communicate and resolve conflict in ways that improve your relationship and mover you closer together.

This is part one of a series of 4 video blogs on relationships, communication, and conflict. Today I talk about how having an attitude is important for conflict. You need an attitude of calm assertiveness - assured and confident in your right to make waves. I also discuss the lead-up - how a good preview can help you get a good outcome.

Next week I'll give you two more tips that make communication in conflict productive and easier.

Your ideal holiday – You CAN have it and here's how!

Most of us are prone to high – if unrealistic – expectations and stress around the holiday season or about events on the specific holidays we celebrate. If you are someone who fits into this group with me, you might also worry your holiday might be disappointing or painful. Do you know what you are hoping for? Specifically?

It’s likely some aspects of your dream holiday are quite possible, but how will you know when they’ve come true? It’s simple:

Define your day. Make it so. Let it go.

Start by imagining your perfect day of the season. Perhaps it’s a day of self-care: healthy foods and meditation, followed by shopping and a meal with friends, dinner at home, and slippers and tea at night.

Perhaps it’s Christmas day: French toast and juice, stockings, travel to the in-laws’, a hearty meal, and kids sleeping in the car on the way home.

Define your day: If you can imagine it, you can make it (or at least key components of it) so.

Imagine: Close your eyes and breathe calmly for a few minutes. Next, imagine how your day begins, using all your senses. Is the house cool or warm when you awaken? Are you making coffee? What does that smell like? Any sounds? The spoon scraping the bowl of your oatmeal? The music in the background? What happens next? And then what? See yourself going through your ideal day, chronologically as you would in real life. Take your time and involve all your senses as much as possible. This can take five minutes or 105 minutes. There is no “correct” way of doing it and there is no “correct” amount of time.

Or

If you can’t “see” it, maybe you can sketch it. Roughly - or with precision, your choice – sketch out the main parts of your ideal day. You can draw a chronological series of events, the way graphic novels are drawn. Maybe your dog is waking you in the morning. Sketch that.  Is it snowing when you get up? Draw that.

Or

If speaking is more your thing, try a speech to text app on your phone or computer. Or just record your thoughts and ideas about your ideal holiday and how it plays out, to listen to it later. Again, involve all your senses in your description.

Pay attention to how you feel physically and emotionally, in your body and your heart. You will notice pieces that make you feel warm, perhaps smiling while thinking. That’s a cue to you that it’s an important component of your ideal holiday and something to manifest in reality.

Make it so: Include important pieces of what you imagined.

Something that makes me feel a sense of peace is thinking about taking a drive to see Christmas lights in people’s yards. So this would be a component I want to make sure to include when I plan my holiday events. It’s within my power to make this happen = good choice.

Something else that’s part of my ideal day is opening the doors of an advent calendar with my husband. This is also in my control, and I know I need to buy or make an advent calendar before December 1st.

If you find satisfaction telling your children the story of their first holiday or hosting wrapping or baking parties. What can you do, that is in your power, to make this happen?

Let it go: Leave out pieces beyond your control.

Let go of tasks and events that don’t bring you joy, don’t create joy for others, are more work than the potential joy they may deliver, or that just don’t fit in your ideal day. If that means spending a holiday away from family, read “Alone for the holidays,” for help managing and celebrating that.

Let others off the hook. You cannot control them. You can’t change their actions or moods. If you need something from them, and it’s part of your ideal day, you can ask them. But remember, their ideal day is probably not the same as yours.

Following the guidelines above, you can have a holiday closer to your dreams.

Define your day. Make it so. Let it go.

 If your emotions feel too deep or too big, and you think you might want support during this holiday season, contact a therapist who can help you work them through.

What’s your ideal holiday day like? I’d love to hear. Post below and I’ll reply.

And, as always, I'm here. You can reach me in Seattle at Balance InSight, 206-790-7270.

Thanks for reading, and be well. ~ Robin

Insight: understanding the true nature of someone or something

Insight is the ability to recognize the true nature of someone or something, like understanding through your intuition, in your gut.

If you grew up in home with chaos or distress, rages or silence, you probably got really good at watching for cues - like tone of voice, changes in routines, facial expressions, body language, and even relative cleanliness of the house on any given day – to try and make sense of whatever might come next. If you got it right, the reward was a fragile temporary peace.

And when your gut level reality conflicted with the family story, the family’s version of reality, they told you you got it wrong: They weren’t fighting, just talking; You made them spank you; You weren’t mad - you just thought you were; and so on; and so on. All of this confused you and made you question and mistrust your insight.

And now, you probably don’t know who to trust. Or what to rely on. Or what’s real. You might question yourself, “Is this really happening? Am I overreacting? What’s normal?”

Here’s the truth:

~ How you felt then was right and normal for your environment
~ How you reacted and behaved was right for your development and situation
~ Your thoughts and feelings today are completely normal, in the context of all you witnessed
~ And most important: You can learn a new normal, a normal based on today’s relationships, motivations, and intentions

You can learn to adapt to your life today, to see what is and not what someone told you is, to sit without chaos and distress. To recognize and safely react to danger, and to understand and trust in security.

The unexpected can cause fear, anxiety, and a feeling of watching from the outside. But it doesn’t have to immobilize you anymore. You are not helpless anymore.

I can help you gain insight into what was and what is, find your inner strength and confidence, and feel comfortable in today. 

Read on for further insights and blog posts. For long lasting resolution, email or call me for counseling to get past your past. 

Where do you hold stress?

Is it in your belly? Your head? Your neck and shoulders?

I tend to hold stress and tension in my belly – almost like a punched muscle.

When you’re stressed you might notice you hunch your shoulders up toward your ears, giving you pain in your neck or upper back.

You might tighten your jaw, grind your teeth, or feel weepy.

The most important thing is that you notice. If you don’t know you are stressed, it’s hard to release it.

Try the activity below – Progressive Muscle Relaxation - to notice and release any stress held in your body. For best results, please:

• Keep exhales longer than inhales, slow and deep
• Scanning is nothing more than going inward and noticing
• When you get to tensing and releasing, repeat each area or muscle group 2 or 3 times.
• Take cleansing breaths after each muscle group, before moving to the next.
• Read it through once and then try it from memory – aim for feeling better, not following steps to perfection.

If you’d rather hear this instead of reading, download Stress Release Progressive Muscle Relaxation.

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Here we go:

1. Get comfortably seated.
   Sit in a comfortable chair, feet resting gently on the floor.
   Sit up straight without rigidity and take a few slow deep breaths, with exhales longer than inhales.
2. When you’re ready, scan your body slowly.
   Close your eyes slightly, so your lids are just touching.
   Starting at the top of your head and moving slowly and methodically down to your feet, just notice how your body feels.
   Do you notice any areas of pain, prickling, cold, heat? Pressure, constriction, or anything at all?
3. Now pause your scanning and take a few deep breaths again. In and out, with exhales longer than inhales.
4. Next, tense and release muscles, slowly and methodically working feet to head, and breathing slowly throughout, with deep cleansing breaths after each area of your body.
5. Beginning with your feet, scrunch them up, toes either splayed out or curled in, ankles rigid and tight.
6. And release, relax, and visualize warm limp muscles. Repeat at least one more time – tensing and clenching, then releasing.
7. Deep cleansing breaths - again with long exhales.
8. Now, moving up - calves and shins, knees, thighs and glutes. Slowly and with intention, one muscle group or body area at a time, tensing and then releasing, at least two times.
9. Breathing warmth and love in, and pressure, stress, and tension out.
10. Moving up, to your belly and chest, lower back, spine, and upper back.
11. Cleansing breaths and then repeat again.
12. Now shoulders and arms, elbows, wrists, and hands. Repeat each area, with calm breaths in between.
13. Work up to your neck, jaw, forehead, and crown, breathing deeply between each area of your body – repeating again, each area.
14. With your eyes still gently closed, notice the ground under your feet, your back against the chair, and the sounds in the room. Come peacefully back to awareness of your surroundings and open your eyes when you’re ready.

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If you try this exercise daily - a few days in a row, you’ll start to feel like jello or floaty air when you just think of doing it. If you haven’t the time, just try it whenever you like. Once again, if you’d rather listen instead, download the audio file.

And, as always, I'm here.

If you need more than a relaxation activity, email me to schedule a free telephone consultation, where we can talk about how to reduce stress. You can also reach me in my West Seattle counseling office at Balance InSight, 206-790-7270.

Your turn: where do you hold stress? Post below; I'd love to know.

Childhood sexual trauma: What happens when the predator is your brother?

If you are alive and awake, you’ve likely read or heard about Josh Duggar, of the television show 19 Kids and Counting, molesting his sisters and a babysitter. From the television interviews, released police report, and news reports, it appears as if Josh admitted, in real time, at least 5 instances of sexual assault. While there is far too much parent bashing in the media, by Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar’s own admission, they did not report the crimes perpetrated upon their daughters and babysitter for at least 18 months, and Jim Bob, in particular, was told each time Josh molested again. Today we see more of the Duggars on television talking of their son Josh being crucified by the public, and we hear less about the victimization and repeated sexual abuse of their daughters.

Parents' Job

Josh was 15 at the time, a child, whose parents protected him the best they could. They tried to help him. That is the job of parents: protect your children and help them. All well and good. However, Josh’s sisters were even younger and more vulnerable. They needed even more protection than their brother, a predator living among them. They needed help. Michelle and Jim Bob did not protect them, and did not help them.

According to their account, and to their credit, they put rules in place like not letting boys babysit the girls, not letting them out of site, and not allowing “hide and seek.” What they didn’t do is report the sexual assault to the police, which would have stopped it. What they didn’t do is protect and help their daughters. When a predator, who by definition preys on the vulnerable, is living under the same roof as the victims, the victims are not protected. The public may never know, nor should we, in my opinion, whether and how many times Josh continued to molest during the 16 months before reporting the crimes to the authorities. But to be sure, Josh the child sexual predator had means and opportunities – parents have to sleep sometime.

Three Crimes

Crime number one is the daughters’ molestations as they were perpetrated. Crime number two is that Mr. and Mrs. Duggar did not protect their daughters, after the fact, by reporting that their young daughters were molested and removing Josh from the home. Crime number three is still happening: the Duggars are rallying around Josh, minimizing both the fact of the molestation and the impact by inserting qualifiers about it not being rape, Josh made a mistake, it happened over the clothes, just for a few minutes, and while the girls were asleep.

Child molesting is child molesting. You’re not a little bit molested. You’re molested. Whether or not their young daughters were awake, wearing clothes, or remember it, make no mistake, it has harmed them and will continue to harm them. Being molested by their brother will live with them forever. And so will their mother and father minimizing it.

What can we do?

What can you and I, as parents, do differently? Value our children, believe them, report their molester – regardless of, and especially if he is their brother in the same house; don’t minimize the crimes, pain, and impact of the trauma.

And we can call someone for help. Right now. Not in 16 months.

If you suspect your child, or a child you know, has been molested, protect them. Help them. Call the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453), anytime, day or night, in any of 200 languages.

If you are a child being molested, believe it and know that no one has the right to molest you. Call the Child Abuse Hotline 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453), and then press 1 to talk to a counselor. Call anytime, day or night. They will help make it stop and give you support. All calls are confidential.

And as always, I’m here. You can reach me in Issaquah at Balance Insight, 206-790-7270.

Thanks for reading, and be well.

~ Robin

How to feel better when you're depressed

Have you ever felt so sad you couldn't leave your bed? Make something to eat? Here are some ways to feel better, fast. If you feel you might have depression, try one or several of these.

1. Accept – Recognize your symptoms of insomnia or exhaustion, irritability and withdrawal, isolating, eating too much or having no appetite can be symptoms of depression. Depression is nothing to be ashamed of, in fact it’s quite common. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) 8% of people 12 and older suffer from depression. Accept.

2. Move – This one is hard because being depressed means you don’t want to move, don’t want to go anywhere, and maybe don’t want to get out of bed. If you can make yourself move your muscles every so often, even if it’s to walk from your couch to the refrigerator, you will feel better. Move.

3. Eat – Eat small healthy meals or snacks whether you’re hungry or not. Depression commonly affects appetite. Some of us eat comfort food and lots of it, while others would rather eat nothing at all. Eating a small healthy mix like an egg, and apple, and toast puts something good in your stomach, staves off hunger, and helps keep your blood sugar where it needs to be. Eat.

4. Argue – Identify the thought or belief that’s perpetuating your feelings and consciously dispute it. Argue with yourself. If you’re feeling down because you feel other people don’t understand you, tell yourself with resoluteness, “Shawn understands me.” If you’re sad because your partner left and you feel like you’ll never be OK without her, tell yourself, “I miss her but I was OK before her and I will be OK after her.” Argue.

5. Pet – If you have a cat, dog, or other household animal, or have access to visit one, spend time petting them. Research shows that petting an animal releases endorphins, the body’s natural opiates responsible for feeling good. Pet.

6. Seek a qualified therapist to talk to. A good therapist can help you experience relief in as little as 1 session, so long as you dig in and do the work. Many therapists specialize in treating people with depression. Seek.

5 Short Steps to Help Yourself Feel Better

Think back to the past week. Think about the positive, negative, and neutral events that happened. Did you have a bad day? Did you feel abandoned or panicked when the person you turned to wasn’t available? Do you want to feel better when it happens again? Because you will feel let down, disappointed, or abandoned again someday. We can control of our feelings of sadness, abandonment, grief, rage, and anxiety by changing our thoughts with a simple activity called cognitive restructuring.

In 5 steps, you can change what you think to change how you feel.

1. Name the triggering event I had a bad day last week and Susan didn’t help.

2. Name the irrational belief Susan didn’t help because she doesn’t like me anymore.

3. List the feelings caused by the belief Sadness and abandonment.

4. Dispute the irrational belief Susan didn’t help because she was taking care of her sick baby.

5. Name the new effect Feel closer to Susan and secure in our friendship.

Now you try it. Start with something small and simple.

1. Name the triggering event

2. Name the irrational belief

3. List the feelings caused by the belief

4. Dispute the irrational belief

5. Name the new effect

With practice, you can train yourself to manage your thoughts and keep feelings of depression, anxiety, fear, abandonment, and more from getting in the way. Let me know how it goes. Post a comment or email me at robin@balanceinsight.com

Finding the Right Therapist (Anywhere)

Seattle is a lovely vibrant city, with the requisite attractions like the Space Needle, Pike Place Market, and the Troll under the bridge. It’s also very hustle bustle and, some say, is known for a phenomenon called the Seattle Freeze. The Seattle Freeze is a belief that Seattleites are closed to newcomers; it’s difficult to make friends and get close to people here. If you experience loneliness, isolation, or sadness, you may benefit from working with a counselor in Seattle. Seattle has many counselors, psychotherapists, and life coaches, each with different fields of expertise. You could search on Google or ask your doctor or a friend for a recommendation. All of these are useful ways to locate a counselor that might fit your needs. Now what?The next step is scheduling a consultation with a therapist you’re interested in working with.

The consultation is often via phone conversation, although some therapists prefer to meet in person. You can expect to tell a bit about yourself. What motivated you to seek counseling now, have you ever had therapy before, why, and how did it help? What are you seeking help with? What would you like to be different to improve your situation? Have you experienced this issue before and how did you resolve it? What would you like your life to look like in 3, 6, 12 months? This helps the counselor and you envision possible therapy goals.

Then the counselor will explain a bit about how therapy works; discuss frequency of sessions for continuity of care. She’ll describe the process of setting long-term goals and short-term objectives, and explain the process for checking outcomes. Outcomes show progress, what’s working, and what might need to be changed up. Therapists generally check outcomes quarterly, to make sure the progress is flowing along the way you want it to.

She may talk with you about benefits and drawbacks to a diagnosis and possible therapeutic methods shown to benefit specific issues, like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy’s help for depression, motivational interviewing’s help for addictions, and Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing Therapy’s benefit for anxiety, trauma, and phobias.

At this point, you both get to check in with yourselves and see how you think you’d feel working together. Does she listen more than she talks? Do you feel heard and understood? Do you have confidence that she can help? Do you feel like you can connect with her? If the answer to these questions is no, it may be time to seek another counselor.

If you can answer these questions with a confident yes, you can assume this is the therapist for you. At this time in the consultation, one of you, usually the therapist, brings up the topic of money. If you don’t connect, or this therapist specializes in other areas than your issue, it doesn’t matter if the fee is $20 a session. $20 a session gets very expensive when it goes on for years and years.

The therapist then tells you her fee, whether and which insurance she takes, when payment is due, and how/if you can be reimbursed. If your insurance pays out of network, you would likely pay for sessions and your insurance will reimburse you, minus your copay. If you participate in your employer’s flex care spending plan for medical costs, it will likely reimburse you for all therapy expenses, although you need to check your plan.

If all goes as you wish, you two will schedule your first session. You can relax; you already know you’ve got the right therapist for you. Now you can dig right in and start feeling better. And as always, I'm here. You can reach me in Seattle at Balance InSight, 206-790-7270.

Thanks for reading, and be well.

~ Robin

Motherhood and the Luxury of My Broken Sleep

C’mon, admit it. When you were a child of napping age, you knew as well as I did how to muss up your hair, the sheets, and your clothing just so. I hated sleep. I excelled at scrunching up my face before leaving the bedroom, and making my voice just a bit croaky – to demonstrate that I had, in fact, taken the obligatory nap that I knew none of my friends had to take. Sometimes, my mom was on to me and sent me back to bed with, “Don’t you come out until you’ve slept; now I mean it!” I’d wait until she was quiet enough that I knew she was far away in the living room, maybe watching television, back when the channels were free. Or reading a true crime magazine she hid from the eyes of us kids. The coast was clear. Now I could quietly pull out Nancy Drew, or my Spirograph, something quiet to pass the time before mussing up my hair and sheets, smooshing up my face and clothing, and prepping my voice to sound sleepy so I could try leaving my bedroom again. I’d never really fall asleep during the day anyway. Outside the neighbors were loudly whooping it up on the swing set, seeing who could jump out and land the farthest, back when swing sets didn’t come with safety gear, and a good landing in grass and dirt was enough to knock the wind out of a kid – proving they were indeed a hotshot.

Later, when bedtimes moved out to eight, nine, or 10 o’clock, even with permission to read there always came a time when they yelled up the stairs, “I said lights out; now don’t make me come up there!” I still hated sleep. I moved in, under covers with a flashlight and a stack of Teen Beat magazines, studying Bobby Sherman and David Cassidy’s “Favorite Places to Take Girls on Dates,” and reading how to “Win a Trip to Dinner with Erik Estrada.”

For a short period, about age 21, I loved sleep more than dating, eating, dancing, camping, and anything else (except maybe Christmas). I easily slept seven or more hours a night. Even if I stayed until closing, at the pub, dancing in girl groups, I simply slept in longer the next morning.

Then came motherhood, and sweet baby Jeremy. Our perfect son who rarely fussed, nursed easily, potty trained easily, and was just so good-natured. Except at night. During the typical night, he ate more than four times. Four. That’s sleeping in less than 2 hour increments when you count the time it takes to change the wet diaper, nurse on one side, burp, nurse on the other side, burp, and snuggle him back in his cradle. His daddy placed the hot water bottle in the cradle every single time I nursed, removing it when Jeremy was rocking back to sleep. We tried not talking to him; that was a disaster. How can you keep a straight face and not play and interact when your baby coos at you at 3 or 4 am? I certainly couldn’t.

When he was 10 years old and still waking up throughout the night, I remember the thought hitting me that I had gone more than 10 years without a full night’s sleep. And I got up, calming him after a bad dream, bringing drinks of water, turning on the night light. Sometimes making hot vanilla milk to sooth him back to sleep.

Now, in my 50s I still sleep restlessly, waking often. I realize I’ve never really slept well, whether due to the chance of missing out on a good book or Spirograph, swinging or playing; or due to movie stars beckoning me to read about their cars, favorite foods, or pets; or due to my son, crying or cooing, hungry or scared. Or, now, due again to the chance of missing out, missing out on a memory of a son cooing at me in the dark 30 years ago, or sipping hot vanilla milk after a bad dream 20 years ago, or lately texting me “Good night to the old lady whispering hush.”

Motherhood never ends. I still can’t sleep; I might miss out on some motherhood.

*”Good night to the old lady whispering hush” from a beloved book Goodnight Moon, by Margaret Wise Brown, Harper Collins Publisher.

To Hide or to Run: Tools to Help with Decision Making in a World with Too Many Choices

Did you ever play hide and seek, outside in the neighborhood, after dark? My cousins were the best at surrounding the good hiding spaces, causing me to freeze, leaning toward the corner of the garage – nope, Kathy’s there, leaning toward the cave under the stairs – nope Pam’s there. As a child I’d think: what’s keeping me from just grabbing a spot and hiding? Well here it is: to make one choice was to leave behind other, possibly better options. Worse, the number of hiding spots felt infinite, so any one choice eliminated an infinite number of potentially better choices. Now, don’t get me wrong, I know the difference between hiding spots at age 8 and where to move, where to work, whether to have children, who to reach out to at age 30 or 40 or 50.

Some people list pros and cons on a T-chart. That’s one way as long as the items on each side have equal weight and value. I tend to pick apart the items into smaller parts, taking lots of time making sure the smaller items are relatively equal.

Some people research and gather information from the internet, friends, and professionals, mull it all about and synthesize things into the one best choice. I try this one often. If nothing else, I enjoy learning more about possibilities. That said, I have a hard time making an actual decision.

Another thing I try is flipping a coin. Even for major decisions. Wait, hear me out. Say, for example I am trying to decide whether to move to Hawaii or stay in Oregon. I researched in a huge way, read books about the different islands, talked to friends I trust, and made a lengthy list of pros (all about beaches and sunshine) and cons (many more – pet quarantine, leaving jobs, no family or friends there, etc.).

In the end I flipped a coin. Heads, we’d live on an island; tails, we’d stay in Oregon. Now this is the beauty of coin flips: it’s a coin, not a judge or The Price Is Right. I flipped tails. My reaction was on of disappointment, sadness, “why not’s,” and “but I want to’s.” Coin flipping lets me gauge my reaction to the coin outcome and my decision becomes clear.

Another decision making tool I use, especially for decisions with more than two options, is eeny meeny miney moe. Yes, the childhood game. There are a couple of ways to do this. I like to touch a photo of each option or have some item that symbolizes each option and touch them as I go around, one touch and one word for each option.

• Eeny (go to Hawaii this year), meeny (stay in Oregon), miney (move to Hawaii after retirement), moe (move to Florida instead),

• catcha (go to Hawaii this year), piggy (stay in Oregon), by the (move to Hawaii after retirement), toe (move to Florida instead),

• if he (go to Hawaii this year), hollers (stay in Oregon), let him (move to Hawaii after retirement), go (move to Florida instead),

• Eeny (go to Hawaii this year), meeny (stay in Oregon), miney (move to Hawaii after retirement), moe (move to Florida instead).

If I land on Florida and I don’t want to move there, I toss that out and start again with just 3 choices. If I want Florida in, I cheat and decide that means I win and get to go to Florida. Either way I’m tricking my brain into making decisions.

Decisional Balance

For a broader, deeper, and visually relevant decision making method, I like the Decisional Balance Activity. It’s a grid that works a bit like the T-chart, but it includes scales of how important the choice (change) is and how certain you are that you can make the choice (change). It looks something like the graphic (click to enlarge, and thank you Miller and Rollnick).

How do you make decisions? Try one of these and let me know what works for you. Add others if you have ‘em. Thanks! We all need a little help with choices.

The Impermanence of Both Sides of the Pain/Joy Coin

I recently returned from a silent meditation retreat – a place of painful and joyous insights. It was held in a peaceful place, in the middle of nowhere, amidst deer and wolves, caterpillars and snakes. In an effort to force myself to get up and stay up for early morning 4:30 am meditation, I volunteered to ring the morning gong each day.

I set my travel alarm for 3:50 and dressed silently by the light of the little wooden lamp, wrapping scarves around my neck and head – it’s cold in the dark in the woods. My job was to walk outside under the awnings around the women’s dorms, hitting the wooden mallet on the heavy – brass, I think – gong, making it spin and sending vibrations of sound in all directions signaling 4 am wakeup and 4:20 “get yourself to the meditation hall,” for women meditation students.

By 4:30, I was wide awake for morning meditation and took my assigned cushioned spot in the meditation hall. Seated in silence, unmoving, scanning my body for vibrations, my feet would go to sleep. The tingling turned to electric shocks as I worked to notice the sensation, wonder about it, without judgement, and then move on to each area of my body, piece by piece. Working my way up, my back screamed in silence. Notice, wonder, no craving, no aversion, anicca, anicca, anicca* – the law of impermanence.

Meditation continued, alternating with meals and breaks, until 9:30 at night, for ten difficult and wondrous days.

During meals and breaks, I thought. In my head without distraction can be a scary place to live, and so I tried to notice, wonder, and practice anicca with my thoughts. I had painful thoughts of childhood traumas, joyous thoughts of future life plans, and tender fearful thoughts of the impending loss of my dear friend, his third bout with cancer, third type, ever growing. And I cried. Often. In silence. Walking the mowed paths in the meadow and looking out at deer during teatime. Why did he do that? I got this! Why must she go and leave all her children?

I made decisions, changed decisions, and meditated on it.

I must confront my father for his sins against me; I must not confront my father, he can hurt me in other ways now; I am not a traumatized child anymore and my existence no longer depends on the whims of my father.

I must continue my agency job healing moods and personalities; I must leave my job to support myself; I will continue my work, my life's mission, in my own office.

My friend will die; my friend might live with this treatment and that intervention; my friend’s body is dying and I will hold his family in my heart and his soul in my hands.

And then, I meditated some more.

The last night of the retreat was a buffer between the isolation and noble silence of meditation and the hustle bustle noise of the outside world. Talking was allowed everywhere except in the meditation hall. I stayed up late in deep discussion with other women I felt silently bonded to. And then the pain/joy coin hit me in my gut: life is pain and life is joy. Physical aching electrical pain and horror-invoking mental pain and the heart ripping pain of grief. Subtle pinpoint vibration joy and emancipating courageous “I got away” joy and hopeful life without end joy.

And now, I meditate some more.

*Anicca is pronounced uh-nee-cha, and means impermanence in Pali. The law of impermanence says that pain and suffering, like joy and happiness, are impermanent.

If you've experienced grief, loss, trauma, or pain, you can feel better. I'm here. You can call me to schedule a consultation, where we'll talk a bit, give you some hope, and see if maybe you want a little more help.

EMD What? FAQs about EMDR

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing Therapy (EMDR) is one of the great counseling techniques (stay tuned for others) to lessen the triggers and flooding that come with anxiety. It works on the stuck memories that come out with physical sensations when we are confronted with smells, sights, people, places, or sounds that are similar to trauma, pain, or fear we experienced in the past. For example, if you’ve experienced sexual assault that started when you were sleeping, by a man with alcohol and cigarettes on his breath, you might start sweating or crying when you smell the combination of cigarette smoke and alcohol. You might start hyperventilating or having chest pain when you are woken up from a deep sleep. You might need to sleep with the lights on, or in your living room, or not much at all.

Triggers

The smoke, alcohol, darkness, being woken up, or sleep itself, are triggers that flood the brain with chemicals that put us into fight, flight, or most commonly, freeze mode.

We feel immobilized and experience panic, perspiration, inability to catch our breath, chest pain, tingling sensations in our hands or feet, lightheadedness, nausea, or headaches. We might get a flush of being extremely hot or cold, blacking out, and even a sensation of either watching ourselves from outside our bodies or of not being present in that time and space at all (this last one is called dissociation and I’ll post more about it later).

Protection

These physical sensations, interestingly, are our brain and body’s way of protecting us from danger. Our brain was so overwhelmed by the danger and trauma of the assault that it goes into protection mode to make sure to keep us from getting assaulted again – it warns us if any aspect of the assault is present now to tell us to get away and get safe.

When you think about it that way, our brains are pretty amazing, right? The problem comes when the brain’s attempt to protect us isn’t helpful, like when we are not in danger of assault but the brain thinks we might be, so we can’t be around certain smells or sights or places without experiencing the physical and immobilizing symptoms I talked about above.

While our brains are terrific at protecting us, that protection, when we don’t need it, gets in the way of us living life and doing things we want to do.

Enter EMDR Therapy

EMDR is a technique that I use, to help your brain recognize that sleep doesn’t necessarily lead to assault, nor does darkness, or the smells of cigarette smoke and beer.

EMDR uses something called bilateral stimulation – stimulating both sides of the brain – to get the emotional feeling side synced up with the logical thinking side. Integrating the two sides around the trauma helps the brain reprocess the traumatic event and move it from a current trauma to a past trauma, thereby lessening the physical triggers and panic in the present.

Sounds like such a relief, right? It certainly can be. EMDR does not make the memories go away, but it does lessen and dilute the symptoms related to the assault – or car wreck, dental visit, humiliating or fearful event, loss, death of a loved one, combat, dog bite, or, or, or, you get the idea.

Like all EMDR trained therapists, I've gone through rigorous training over an extended period, many hours of practice, and consultation with a certified EMDR supervisor, to make sure it's the best and most effective treatment for the issue/s you want to work on. Just like psychotherapy – longer, deeper, talk therapy – is not right for every person or even every issue of the same person, the same holds true for EMDR.

If you experience symptoms such as panic, tingling hands or feet, anxiety, nausea, avoidance of places, smells, sounds, or people, or a sensation of not being present, ask me about EMDR and whether it might be helpful for you. Request your free consultation here.

Note: If you are involved in a lawsuit, or if you plan to be involved in a lawsuit, related to the original trauma, please contact your lawyer to determine whether it is advisable to keep your triggers intact until the legal issue is resolved.

How to celebrate Father’s Day when your father is undeserving

With Father's Day right around the corner, here is a repost of blog on how to manage the holiday with a, shall we say, less than loving father. Celebrating YOU!

~ Robin

We all have less than perfect parents. We, ourselves, are less than perfect parents. Maybe we are involved in our children’s education and attend all school and sporting events. We also get frustrated, exasperated, and act out. We yell too often, expect too much, or are inconsistent with rules and our child’s behavior. Less than perfect is good enough. Well-respected developmental theorist Donald Winnicott states that within a secure relationship, being a good enough mother (later changed to include fathers and other caregivers), one who is less than perfect, actually facilitates children’s learning independence, forgiveness, self-reliance, and an understanding of the dependability of love. Less than perfect does not equal undeserving of the title. In my mind, undeserving covers parents who rape or sexually assault their children, subject them to horror or horrific neglect or abuse, sell or give their (the children’s) bodies to others. I’m not talking about a parent who makes a mistake. I’m referring to parents who take pleasure in harming their children’s minds, souls, and bodies.

Father’s Day is coming and, as with many holidays, we are asked to celebrate someone, to thank them, to acknowledge their gifts of love, time, and care we received from them. We are enculturated to believe family is family, the bond is unbreakable, and we’re always there for one another. We grow up hearing we must respect our parents – they raised us after all. We owe them. However, the truth is some families don’t fit the description of a loving bonded unit. In some families the children aren’t or weren’t protected, loved, or cared for. What then? You’ve survived your childhood; must you now celebrate those whom you survived in spite of?

The short answer is NO. There are other, greatly deserving, loving people you can celebrate. There are other ways to get through days of obligatory adoration of individuals who are not present or ought not be celebrated. The first thing to do is make a plan. Make choices. Consciously choose. Otherwise, you may find yourself saddened, disappointed, and isolating. A better way is to make a plan.

• Choose who to celebrate The father in Father’s Day need not be your father. Is there a father figure you love, maybe an uncle or family friend who nurtured you? If you have children, their father can be celebrated. Do you have a father-in-law who treats you well? A brother with children? A friend’s father? What about you? As a mother, are you also the de facto father to your children? Are you a parent of a pet?

• Choose to honor yourself It’s also alright to simply honor yourself, your growth, and your existence in the world today. Honor the child you, growing into the woman you. Honor your strength, resiliency, and sassiness. Honor your grief, what wasn’t, what should have been. Sit with you, and the sadness that was or is, and the spark of hope that can be. But mostly honor you.

• Choose how to celebrate There are many ways to celebrate. Sending a card or flowers, having a meal together, or throwing a party are just a few. Spending time in nature, or a picnic on the living room floor, in the park, or at the beach. For those without young children, an evening of dinner and a movie or a club might be fun. It doesn’t matter what you do, so long as you plan to do something. If you are alone, that something can be a sappy movie and a big bowl of popcorn laying on your bed. The most important thing is to have a plan.

• Choose to revel and reflect that you celebrated in a way that is meaningful for you Try to spend some time praising your creativity and resourcefulness at managing a difficult holiday. Meditate on your survival abilities and inner spunk that got you where you are today. Find joy in something, anything that nurtures your spirit today. You made it! You’re the you you are today, because you made it. You are deserving of all that is good. And if you don’t believe it, and can’t possibly tell yourself that truth, find someone who believes it enough for both of you. A friend, sibling, or partner. Or seek out a therapist, to help you believe in you and find your joy.

And as always, I'm here. You can reach me in Issaquah at Balance InSight, 206-790-7270.

Thanks for reading, and be well. ~ Robin

Want to find the real you? The you before your trauma?

"We are affected by our past, but we are not prisoners of our pasts."   ~Robin Custer, MSW, LICSWA When we have trauma, whether from violence, car crashes, phobias, a death, relocation, foster families, alcoholism, loving parents who were just absent, we can feel stuck, mentally, at the age the trauma first occurred. While we can't go back and redo our childhoods, we CAN use tools help get unstuck. One simple technique you can do at home is to write with your right (or dominant) hand on one side of an open notebook. Write to your early you. Maybe you want to ask your young you what they needed but didn't get. Other examples are:

• Who helped you when you needed it at 4, or 5 or 6?

• What did you play with and where did you go that you wished you could do / go again?

• What did you need that I (your older you) can give you?

• Would it help if I held you close and took care of you now?

Then, using your left (or nondominant hand) let your thoughts flow freely onto the other page in the notebook. Let your little you answer back. You might get responses like:

• Auntie Jane tried to help me. I always loved Auntie Jane.

• I played cars in the back yard, far away from the sounds of fighting.

You get the idea. It's simple but perhaps not easy. Try this and let me know what you come up with robin@balanceinsight.com